There are many reasons why I don't play live gigs in the moment. One is the following. When I discovered Hardcore in 1996 until 2000, I went to the record stores, parties, parades, I produced music on my own. But I was not really part of the scene. I didn't organise parties. I didn't play live or as a DJ. Me and very few friends heard the music I produced on my own every weekend night. It was not put out on vinyl EPs or LPs.
Then, in 2000, I ventured straight into the scene. The first 12" was released, I played gigs, did a radio show, zine, tapes, CD-R label, I played Nordcore, and Tresor and and and... and I can't deny this gave me great pleasure - the happiest I've been in my life. But it also destroyed me. It ate me up from the inside. Was pulling on my heart, soul and mind. The truth is my life was better when I was still "alone".
The years when I discovered Hardcore, before I ventured out into the scene, everything in my life was going uphill. Afterwards, everything went downhill. And it nearly destroyed me for good and for real and almost ended my life - I wrote about that chain of events in other posts already.
So, for my own protection, I need to draw the line somewhere, to cut things off a bit. And this is why I don't play at parties physically in the moment.
Of course, I realise I can't hide forever. Eventually I have to venture out into the "real world" with my music again... maybe sometime soon...
Ideologies
All ideologies of the 19th and 20th century; communism, fascism, capitalism, democracy, liberalism, socialism were based on the same lethal fallacy, that did not exist in this way for example in medievel times or outside western society: that you should realise your ideals, that you should put your theories into reality; that the word "true" has the same meaning as the word "real".
Marx And The Ideal
Marx turned 200 a few days ago. The relationship of us anarchists and Marx is quite complicated; some anarchist thinkers embraced Marx economic analysis of capitalism and rejected his statism; others rejected all of Marx.
With Idealist Anarchism, it is even more extreme: Marx work is a virulent and dangerous form of materialism that leaves not much room for any kind of idealism, and his work influenced and empowered anti-idealist and materialist movements in society often to a high degree.
But there is something to be said about Marx, IN regard of idealism.
Marx' work changed the world in the 19th and 20th century, maybe more than any other person's effort did. He took half the world away from capitalism and half the world followed him.
How did he manage to do this? Not by commandeering an army; not by being a president; or taking up a gun or a bomb or any other form of tangible activity in the real world; but by pickin up a pen and writing a book. This is the effect of doing something rational, intellectual, ideal on the world. The true power of the rational and the idealistic.
It is possible to change the face of the world forever; all you need to do is to sit down and write a book. And we set out to change the world.
With Idealist Anarchism, it is even more extreme: Marx work is a virulent and dangerous form of materialism that leaves not much room for any kind of idealism, and his work influenced and empowered anti-idealist and materialist movements in society often to a high degree.
But there is something to be said about Marx, IN regard of idealism.
Marx' work changed the world in the 19th and 20th century, maybe more than any other person's effort did. He took half the world away from capitalism and half the world followed him.
How did he manage to do this? Not by commandeering an army; not by being a president; or taking up a gun or a bomb or any other form of tangible activity in the real world; but by pickin up a pen and writing a book. This is the effect of doing something rational, intellectual, ideal on the world. The true power of the rational and the idealistic.
It is possible to change the face of the world forever; all you need to do is to sit down and write a book. And we set out to change the world.
Chemtrails, Satan, Exorcism - What Happened To Me
I talked about my mental health problems that made me temporarily quit Hardcore before. But I want to get into more detail.
When the Experimental Hardcore scene collapsed somewhen after the year 2000, I fell into a deep hole of depression. The thing that I spent most of my energy, creativity, thoughts on was no longer there. And I felt no hope or chance to escape this hole. At the same time I discovered the writings of Wilhelm Reich. He talked about the futility of the human world and how it's impossible for humans to attain something true and meaningful because of their "nature". I felt connected to that. Wasn't this the very reason the Experimental and political Hardcore scene collapsed? Maybe, if I got more into the teachings of Reich, I could find a solution after all... That's what I thought. But Reich also had esoteric, spiritual, occult ideas. At first I rejected them. I was always a rationalist after all. But eventually they started to grow on me. Remember that I was in a depressed and pretty desperate state of mind. These ideas at least provided some (false) truth and solace... That's what I felt. Eventually I became a convert to Reich. I started to believe in the esoteric and occult. I started to read more and about related topics. Satanism interested me. I put the 13 statements of Satanist faith of the Satanic Bible on the wall of my bedroom. I tried to conjure up demons.
In his later life, Reich claimed he invented a "Cloudbuster" that would communicate with atmospheric energy. I got to know there was a movement related to this, that claimed they would fight "Chemtrails" with Reichian "Chembusters". It's strange to look back at it, but I really believed that back then. Remember my frail state of mind in that time. So I joined this group and built a "Chembuster" and set up Chembusters for friends too. This was the time my mind deteriorated way more, and I felt myself threatened by negative forces and demons. I was doing "astral projection" where you imagine yourself to travel out of your body, and in one of these imagined sequences a creature ripped me out of my body and sent me straight to hell, where I was burned by black fire. Now I know this was just imagined but in that moment I believed it to be real! I never was so scared in my life. The problem with the feeling of being followed got out of hand. This was fucked up, but actually just a tiny part of the disaster that followed.
I searched for help online - but not for therapists, but spiritual help. I eventually got into contact with a Christian sect that called itself the Lorberians - after their prophet, Jakob Lorber. The guy I was in contact with tried to convince me what was happening with me was not just my imagination but very real and that I was going straight to hell - unless I did an exorcism they he and apparently Jakob Lorber had laid out. He told me about a book he had written which was exactly for "cases" like mine. Basically it was about doing strange ritualistic prayers all day and all week, and staying away from anything "satanic" which to him included most music, TV, books and other media. It's strange to write that I really followed this, but, as I said, I was "out of mind". I prayed and prayed and did what I was told. In the beginning, I indeed felt better - but then much worse. I started to neglect all other things in life to focus on "my exorcism". This got to the point where I even neglected eating, drinking and sleeping. I started to lose weight, and the situation slowly became life-threatening. This was when my family intervened and saved me, and I finally got into therapy.
It is indeed weird to write all this down. That I believed all these strange things. The only explanation I might provide is that I was in a fragile situation where I was open to such ideas - and that it at first happened "step by step" before I really got pulled in.
This is what happened to me. It wrecked up my life for good, and I still struggle to live a "normal" life. But I hope one day I can say that I left all this behind.
When the Experimental Hardcore scene collapsed somewhen after the year 2000, I fell into a deep hole of depression. The thing that I spent most of my energy, creativity, thoughts on was no longer there. And I felt no hope or chance to escape this hole. At the same time I discovered the writings of Wilhelm Reich. He talked about the futility of the human world and how it's impossible for humans to attain something true and meaningful because of their "nature". I felt connected to that. Wasn't this the very reason the Experimental and political Hardcore scene collapsed? Maybe, if I got more into the teachings of Reich, I could find a solution after all... That's what I thought. But Reich also had esoteric, spiritual, occult ideas. At first I rejected them. I was always a rationalist after all. But eventually they started to grow on me. Remember that I was in a depressed and pretty desperate state of mind. These ideas at least provided some (false) truth and solace... That's what I felt. Eventually I became a convert to Reich. I started to believe in the esoteric and occult. I started to read more and about related topics. Satanism interested me. I put the 13 statements of Satanist faith of the Satanic Bible on the wall of my bedroom. I tried to conjure up demons.
In his later life, Reich claimed he invented a "Cloudbuster" that would communicate with atmospheric energy. I got to know there was a movement related to this, that claimed they would fight "Chemtrails" with Reichian "Chembusters". It's strange to look back at it, but I really believed that back then. Remember my frail state of mind in that time. So I joined this group and built a "Chembuster" and set up Chembusters for friends too. This was the time my mind deteriorated way more, and I felt myself threatened by negative forces and demons. I was doing "astral projection" where you imagine yourself to travel out of your body, and in one of these imagined sequences a creature ripped me out of my body and sent me straight to hell, where I was burned by black fire. Now I know this was just imagined but in that moment I believed it to be real! I never was so scared in my life. The problem with the feeling of being followed got out of hand. This was fucked up, but actually just a tiny part of the disaster that followed.
I searched for help online - but not for therapists, but spiritual help. I eventually got into contact with a Christian sect that called itself the Lorberians - after their prophet, Jakob Lorber. The guy I was in contact with tried to convince me what was happening with me was not just my imagination but very real and that I was going straight to hell - unless I did an exorcism they he and apparently Jakob Lorber had laid out. He told me about a book he had written which was exactly for "cases" like mine. Basically it was about doing strange ritualistic prayers all day and all week, and staying away from anything "satanic" which to him included most music, TV, books and other media. It's strange to write that I really followed this, but, as I said, I was "out of mind". I prayed and prayed and did what I was told. In the beginning, I indeed felt better - but then much worse. I started to neglect all other things in life to focus on "my exorcism". This got to the point where I even neglected eating, drinking and sleeping. I started to lose weight, and the situation slowly became life-threatening. This was when my family intervened and saved me, and I finally got into therapy.
It is indeed weird to write all this down. That I believed all these strange things. The only explanation I might provide is that I was in a fragile situation where I was open to such ideas - and that it at first happened "step by step" before I really got pulled in.
This is what happened to me. It wrecked up my life for good, and I still struggle to live a "normal" life. But I hope one day I can say that I left all this behind.
The Death Zone
I talked about how, when I was in school, the other kids would "play" fake executions with me, using knives, or the threat of beating me to death. This gave me anxiety and mortal fear. But there was more to it. I not only experienced the fear of death, in these situations I felt as I was really dying. As I would die and the world around me too, and I was watching what was happening to me from the outside. But yet I was still alive. Think of it a bit like going to the "Upside Down" in Stranger Things without the monsters but with the fear. But yet, I was still breathing and alive and being there. I will call this sensation the "Death Zone" from now on. At first I was only in the Death Zone when these events happened. But eventually it spilled over in other areas of life as well. And believe me, it's hard to do everyday things like going on a train to the inner city and go shopping when you feel as you would die for real. But eventually, I really managed to do so. What helped me was Hardcore Techno. When I first heard this music, the sounds, the screams, the atmosphere felt so familiar - like they would come straight from the Death Zone. This gave me a way to control these feelings; I could listen to Hardcore and when the feelings got too much for me, I could just turn off the sound. Eventually, I mastered these transitions. When I started doing music myself, the direction of transfer was the other way round: I tried to get as many sounds as possible out of this sensation into my tracks. As I said, I always felt that gave my music an edge over some other producers, as it was based on all too real feelings of real terror. When I got to know other people in the Hardcore scene, a lot of them told me they had similar or comparable experiences in their life.
Later in my life I read some psychological studies that birth and death are the most extreme and powerful and 'advanced' states a human can experience. By putting this 'pseudo' death state into music, maybe I really managed to do something powerful and interesting regarding art (or maybe I failed? I'm not to judge). So this is the root of my art. Sometimes I thought that this thing was maybe too negative and twisted, and tried to get into a more positive foundation; but trying so always had very adverse effects. So I got back to it. Maybe one day I will find a different way to this and indeed a more positive way.
Later in my life I read some psychological studies that birth and death are the most extreme and powerful and 'advanced' states a human can experience. By putting this 'pseudo' death state into music, maybe I really managed to do something powerful and interesting regarding art (or maybe I failed? I'm not to judge). So this is the root of my art. Sometimes I thought that this thing was maybe too negative and twisted, and tried to get into a more positive foundation; but trying so always had very adverse effects. So I got back to it. Maybe one day I will find a different way to this and indeed a more positive way.
Hardcore In The 90s And Anarchism - A Critique
I talked about how somewhen after 2000 the Breakcore and Experimental Hardcore scene jettisoned its formerly Anarchist, radical and left-wing politics and eagerly embraced an oldfashioned breed of purist Capitalist politics, best exemplified by artists that yearned for "underground fame" - or even money - instead of starting a social revolution.
It's easy to blame outside forces for this. Maybe it's even more easier to blame ourselves. But the truth is more complex. Which is that the breed of politics we embraced was toxic and poisonous itself; basically, the Capitalist politics that replaced it were evil too, but slightly less evil; so in some twisted circumstances it was to the better that this happened, in some way - maybe.
What was so toxic about our politics? The Anarchism and Communism that fueled the scene was not some old fashioned Anarchism in Style of Kropotkin, or Bakunin, or Proudhon. It was a strain of new anarchism and left-wing ideologies that came into place somewhen in and after the 60s, and was later put forward and intensified by authors like Hakim Bey, John Zerzan, Bob Black. The "Temporary Autonomous Zone" concept by Hakim Bey for example was a major influence on the free party scene, and labels and artists.
What was problematic about this form of anarchism? It had a very anti-intellectual, anti-rational core. This 'movement' was very critical of culture, of civilization, of intellectualism, of ideals, of logic, of rational thinking, symbols, even language and mathematics itself (one of the zines of this movement was actually called "Killing King Abacus" to show its anti-mathematic sentiments). I'll give you one Hakim Bey quote to exemplify this: "The Church’s idea of a list of damnable books probably didn’t go far enough—for in a sense, all books are damned.". Books, language, words, talk, speech; all highly suspicious to them.
I give you another example, the critic of ideals; a traditional Anarchist criticism of the state would be; the state says it protects the common good; but it doesn't; therefore the state is dangerous and should be overcome. Now, these new Anarchists said, the state is only a secondary problem, the problem is the dichotomy of good and evil itself; the state or the church or the philosophers put forth an ideal of "goodness" that no one can reach, and suggests punishment to those that can't reach it; therefore creating perpetual judgment, both by outside institutions and 'the cop inside your head' to all humans, as they can't attain this detached ideal of "goodness". Thus, the idea of good and evil itself should be criticized and possibly dropped.
To get back to Hardcore; of course not everyone embraced this anti-intellectualism, not even those who directly tried to put Hakim Bey's etc. ideas into reality; but this dangerous strain of anti-intellectualism was there and grew more dangerous. The capitalist ideology that replaced it was not very idealistic or intellectual either, but it had at least some last reference to idealism inside; even if just the empty and sickening ideal of "enjoying" money and fame. But this is not a solution either.
Both should be rejected; the anti-intellectual anarchism and the empty, old fashioned capitalism.
So what is to be done? To create anarchism and communism that is intellectual and rational; that embraces logic and thinking and language and culture and ideals... books, art, philosophy, maybe even science...
And to put this into our art, and activities, and communication...
It's the only way to escape this deadlock of nihilistic anti-idealism vs. diseased consumerism.
And this was we can create something truly good; and we can change society; and we can fight for reason and rationality.
It's easy to blame outside forces for this. Maybe it's even more easier to blame ourselves. But the truth is more complex. Which is that the breed of politics we embraced was toxic and poisonous itself; basically, the Capitalist politics that replaced it were evil too, but slightly less evil; so in some twisted circumstances it was to the better that this happened, in some way - maybe.
What was so toxic about our politics? The Anarchism and Communism that fueled the scene was not some old fashioned Anarchism in Style of Kropotkin, or Bakunin, or Proudhon. It was a strain of new anarchism and left-wing ideologies that came into place somewhen in and after the 60s, and was later put forward and intensified by authors like Hakim Bey, John Zerzan, Bob Black. The "Temporary Autonomous Zone" concept by Hakim Bey for example was a major influence on the free party scene, and labels and artists.
What was problematic about this form of anarchism? It had a very anti-intellectual, anti-rational core. This 'movement' was very critical of culture, of civilization, of intellectualism, of ideals, of logic, of rational thinking, symbols, even language and mathematics itself (one of the zines of this movement was actually called "Killing King Abacus" to show its anti-mathematic sentiments). I'll give you one Hakim Bey quote to exemplify this: "The Church’s idea of a list of damnable books probably didn’t go far enough—for in a sense, all books are damned.". Books, language, words, talk, speech; all highly suspicious to them.
I give you another example, the critic of ideals; a traditional Anarchist criticism of the state would be; the state says it protects the common good; but it doesn't; therefore the state is dangerous and should be overcome. Now, these new Anarchists said, the state is only a secondary problem, the problem is the dichotomy of good and evil itself; the state or the church or the philosophers put forth an ideal of "goodness" that no one can reach, and suggests punishment to those that can't reach it; therefore creating perpetual judgment, both by outside institutions and 'the cop inside your head' to all humans, as they can't attain this detached ideal of "goodness". Thus, the idea of good and evil itself should be criticized and possibly dropped.
To get back to Hardcore; of course not everyone embraced this anti-intellectualism, not even those who directly tried to put Hakim Bey's etc. ideas into reality; but this dangerous strain of anti-intellectualism was there and grew more dangerous. The capitalist ideology that replaced it was not very idealistic or intellectual either, but it had at least some last reference to idealism inside; even if just the empty and sickening ideal of "enjoying" money and fame. But this is not a solution either.
Both should be rejected; the anti-intellectual anarchism and the empty, old fashioned capitalism.
So what is to be done? To create anarchism and communism that is intellectual and rational; that embraces logic and thinking and language and culture and ideals... books, art, philosophy, maybe even science...
And to put this into our art, and activities, and communication...
It's the only way to escape this deadlock of nihilistic anti-idealism vs. diseased consumerism.
And this was we can create something truly good; and we can change society; and we can fight for reason and rationality.
On Resistance
In the 90s, we knew how the world was gonna turn out in the next 20-30 years, with fascism, capitalism, censorship, police oppression, violence, surveillance, crisis... but we thought there was also going to be resistance, and we were supposed to be part of this resistance... where is the resistance now?
The truth is, most of us gave up somewhen after 2000... but this was such a nonsensical thing to do. From a rational point of view, you cannot give up the fight against fascism... because when the fascists get in power, they will send you to a camp, regardless if you are fighting or not, so better put up a good fight before that happens...
What we need to do is to get back to resistance, because there is still a chance to do this, and we can change the world... now!
The truth is, most of us gave up somewhen after 2000... but this was such a nonsensical thing to do. From a rational point of view, you cannot give up the fight against fascism... because when the fascists get in power, they will send you to a camp, regardless if you are fighting or not, so better put up a good fight before that happens...
What we need to do is to get back to resistance, because there is still a chance to do this, and we can change the world... now!
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