Mental Hardcore Health Newsletter #2

Mental Hardcore Health Newsletter #2

Today's topic: "There is no sex in Hardcore, or: Hardcore on the streets, zero action in the sheets"

Part 1

It's time to tackle one of the biggest taboos in the "Hardcore scene".
Which is: there is no sex in Hardcore. Or rather: there is very little sex in Hardcore. Or rather:
Many, many people in the Hardcore scene only rarely have sex, or no sex at all.

There might be various reasons for this:

1. Many people in the "scene" live socially isolated lives, alone, or "in their parents' basement", or in a similar situation, with few or zero friends, don't go out, don't go to parties, so it's hard to meet someone.

2. Many people in the scene have heavy mental health problems such as agoraphobia or social phobias, which makes it difficult, too, or they might even have mental health issues that makes it 100% impossible for them to be in a relationship, or to have sex.

3. When you listen to extreme Hardcore Techno, "normal society" usually assumes you're a evil twisted psychopath, sick and deranged. Which does not really "attract" people. If you live in a big urban modern metropolis, maybe you can get by, but if you are outside "western civilization" or in a rural area, being a hardcore head might make you a social outcast (and loner) forever.

4. Asexuality. I don't really like these terms, but obviously a lot of people in the scene are on the so-called asexual spectrum.
Asexuality is a bit more complicated than other "identities". For example, there are asexuals who are crazy for pornography and *fantasize* about 'sexual intercourse' but would never be interested to do 'the act' in reality.
These terms and "sex theories" aside, there are simply lots of people in the scene that are just "not that interested" in sex.

5. Which brings us to this part. Some people just have different or higher priorities than sex.
They might be interested in sex, and would do it, but it's just not very high on their priority list.
Just as some inventors or business-people in the past refrained from having sex in order to be able to fully focus on their tasks and goals, people might want to focus on hardcore and music first - instead of romancing, dating etc.

6. Hardcore appears to incorporate some anti-sex elements. I know some people that are into a promiscuous, fetish, kink lifestyle, with "lots of sex", who told me they rarely had "encounters" or "opportunities" within the hardcore scene or with hardcore people.
It seems that hardcore itself is blocking out sex.

7. And this leads to the final point. Hardcore music itself can be a kind of orgasmic experience that releases sexual energy. And that can be enough for some people.
At least that's been hinted at by a few individuals.

There are of course many more possible explanations, or a combination of these. I just wanted to list some of them.

Part 2

Now let's get more into the "mental health aspect".
Society is kind of torn right now, between some people who are very sex crazy on the one hand (no problem with that) and "incels" and other type of people who "lack" sex, are full of hate, blame women, "minorities", and so on (lots of problems with that!).
This often generates very heated debates (pun intended) and blots out a meaningful discourse.

So let's sober up a bit and talk more sensible about it.

Part 3

And here is the good message (and the message is clear).

It's okay if you don't have a lot of sex. It's okay if you're asexual. It's okay if you are not very much interested in having sex. It's also okay if you would like to have sex but are prevented from it for whatever reason (for example by mental health issues).

You are not a loser because of this, and should not feel like one.
"Sex is nice" but it doesn't define a complete person.
You are just like you are, and this is okay, and you should live like you want to, regardless of what other people think.

All these things mentioned here are still very big societal taboos, and it's time people talk about it more openly.

---End of newsletter

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lAibyrinth - new project regarding AI, music, techno, and more

Announcing the start of a new project.


Researching and exploring the world of AI, and it's limitless possibilities, especially relating to music, fiction, poetry, and other forms of media.

For example, you can find AI-generated Cyberpunk short stories here, Hardcore Techno poetry, prompts to run a Twin Peaks inspired interactive fiction game, and much, much more.

Associated with the The Hardcore Overdogs e-zine and Omnicore Records.

Maybe don't hate me (part 2 - missed parties)

Sooo... a while ago I made a post out of curiousity, inquiring whether anyone liked my music, becsuse I did not think so, and about some other issues (you can read it here).
I had some very positive replies and lots of support in response (which you can read here).
I want to thank everyone for that.
Times have been weird for me, because all of that is hard to sink in, and it takes time for it to sink in.

For example, there is one thing:
In the last 19 years, I had around 300-400 booking offers. By small parties, medium sized parties, even big parties! Parties in Germany, parties in Europe, parties North America (they would've even bought me a plane ticket to New York!), and other places in the world.
I declined all of these.
Partly because of my mental health problems, but partly (or mostly) because I could not imagine that anyone *really* would be interested in coming to a party or hearing my music.
I thought there must be surely some misunderstanding going on there. Maybe they had a lineup completed, then one of the DJs dropped out, and they were looking for a replacement, and a quick google search led them to me and they thought: "who is that guy?" and then "ah well, we have no choice, the line-up needs to be complete, let's just book him". Or they wanted to do a Doomcore party, and not many people do Doomcore, so google led them to me again, and they thought "ah, damn, well, let's just book him".
Or another possibility, there was a time when I posted a lot on social media, and maybe someone saw this, and didn't realize that I made these posts myself, and thought "hey, people talk a lot about him on social media, let's book him".
In all three cases without knowing me or my music.

I had other thoughts how such "confusion" , that led to people trying to book me, happened.
But anyway, I assumed that once I was there, and got on stage, after 10-15 minutes they would realize they made a mistake, grind their teeth, and be happy when I'm gone.
While they crowd would disappear once I started playing. 
And similar things.
I never assumed that people would *really* want to book me, or that anyone at any party would be interested in my music, or even enjoy it! No use to take the ticket to New York then.

Okay, once again, I am pondering too much on my own music situation, and on my own music.
But to think that I might have missed 300 parties, some of which might have been really, really good, just because I was misinterpreting what was going on - would be a major bummer.

Sonic Anarchy

I never was interested in "just" creating tracks.
The 20th century was the era of sonic exploration, even at the beginning of the century.
Old ideas were challenged or thrown overboard. Composers and musician tried new methods and concepts, and they tried to get away from the old. Almost every "accepted theory" in music was questioned - and rejected.

I was inspired by that "avantgarde tradition". And I tried to experiment with, and explore, music as much as I could. To check out other artists who did the same. To read as much on it as I could find.

But there was also something. Not just rebellion and drift.
I wanted to get to the bottom of music. Try to find out if there is some hidden, important truth, that can be found deep within my favorite tracks and the sonic avantgarde.
I sometimes strayed from that path - but I always got back on it for some reason.

I'm also an anarchist. I often had the idea there is much, much more to anarchism than those who are against it realize. That it's not "just" about ultimate freedom, liberty, uprising, self-organisation and so on (even if these are already very high goals!). Something that is *felt* by most actual anarchists.
Was there a hidden, pure truth - hidden inside anarchy, too?

Over the years, over the decades, something began to dawn on me. I'm not saying that what I communicate is the "ultimate truth" - not even for me. Yet, for me, maybe not for you, it is something that comes very, very close.

So here is what I want to say:

Think about it: What is anarchism? What does anarchy mean?
A lot of people would say anarchism ultimately leads to the concept of "do what you want, as long as it harms no other" - or a similar wording.
I agree. But I think this concept goes beyond, transcends, the mere political, economic, social realm. It extends to the cultural, philosophical, epistemological, "cosmic" realm - and even far beyond that.

"Do what you want, as long as it harms no other"

But not only on a social level. Treat *philosophical truths* in the same way, for example. Discard Plato, Aristotle, Socrates, if you want to. Create your own truth, and walk along with it. As long as you mean no harm.

And this holds true for the sonic realm, too.
Do whatever you want in music. Play the notes you want, use the rhythms you want, sequence everything like you want to. You decide what's right or wrong, what sounds good or bad. You are free, you make the "rules" and "laws" in music, and should free feel to shape them in any way you see fit.

And, I think only if an artist starts this ultimate rebellion and revolution - against any "rule" in music that comes from someone else - something truly epic and important can be created.

Do not let anyone tell you how music *should* sound, how your music should sound, what "rules" there are regarding music production, and which concepts to follow.

This is my little message to you. Become a sonic anarchist. It will be rewarding.


Note: The ideas here are very condensed and may even sound a bit "harmless". But if I had to, and could, write down every thought connected to them, that are not expressed here right now, this would be a massive output. In my opinion, this notion here goes way deeper than it first appears.
I don't claim ownership, of course, or pride - I just wanted to share it.

All the wisdom in one sentence

Over time, I've read various stories and accounts of people (in various cultures, at various points of history) who set upon themselves the task to compress "all the wisdom in the universe (and beyond)" into a single page of text, sentence, a letter, or even just a colon.
I liked this idea, and over time, I 'collected' some short sentences (or a small number of short sentences) that I found at various places, that, to me, explain everything, the universe, the meaning of life, and so on (or at least most of it).
This doesn't imply *I* know everything, or even the meaning of life - just that, to me, these collected sentences represent the things I mentioned.

This list will probably be amended over time.
But here we go:

"Well… There’s a vast network, right? An ocean of possibilities. I like dogs. I used to raise rabbits. I’ve always loved animals. Their nature. How they think. I have seen dogs reason their way out of problems. Watched them think through the trickiest situations." - Freddie Howard, Inland Empire (actually by David Lynch)

"Purity died with the angels of passion" - Gary Numan, Prophecy

"One cold damp evening, the world stood still" - The Chameleons, Second Skin

"You can heal yourself by embracing your own sickness" - Low Entropy

"You can be anything you want to be
Just turn yourself into anything you think that you could ever be
Be free with your tempo, be free, be free
Surrender your ego, be free, be free to yourself" - Queen, Innuendo

"Like every city needs a distance, every sky demands a moon
Every winter needs a snowfall, every summer wants a June
Money's just a piece of paper, gold is blinding, don't you see?
Fame is just our own illusion of what life is meant to be
But I don't need a perfect mirror, I don't care for queens and kings
We are free and we are perfect when Lady Stardust sings" - Lisa Miskovsky, Lady Stardust

"The sky is still blue
The clouds come and go
Yet something is different
Are we falling in love?" - Julee Cruise, Falling

"It's strange what love does" - David Lynch, Ghost of Love

"No better you than the you that you are
No better life than the life we're living" - Alessia Cara, Scars to Your Beautiful

you are perfect or: how to walk to the meaning of life

part 1

all my life, i read a lot of books, texts, information, about such things as philosophy, religion, politics, and more, and tried to explore the topics expressed in these as much as i can.
and also tried to put these things "into action" and did a lot of stuff and experiments in the "real world", too.
and, in my opinion, i came across some interesting things then, and actually ran across some interesting - let's call it "information" instead of truths. (i don't say this to "flatter" myself - but to give a bit of a background to this text)
now, i don't claim to know or understand the meaning of life. or have some knowledge that explains "everything at the end of all things".

but, i can tell you about a concept that might be interesting to you, and i'm certain that it would allow you to attain many of the things you want to attain, and to understand many of the things that you want to understand.
and, maybe, to find your own meaning of life, too.

this idea, concept, "truth" is a bit hard to explain and to write down, though.
so, in order to explain it, i will use some words that i just heard in a movie i watched recently. it actually came off as a bit of a cheap movie, but, in my opinion, the words are useful nonetheless. (i could have used other words to a similar effect, but i chose these ones).

the statement is "our biggest weaknesses are actually our biggest strengths".

and this is very true and right and correct!

everything you consider a weakness about yourself is actually one of your biggest strengths.
everything you consider weak, bad, ugly, unlikable, detestable, rejectable is actually beautiful, wonderful, powerful, bold, glorious and brilliant.

everything you want to get rid of about yourself might save you one day.
everything you want to "fix" about yourself is something that might heal you one day.

you are not broken. you are not flawed. you are not wrong.
you are perfect, beautiful, and one hundred percent right and true the way you are, right here, in this moment.
you don't need to change anything about yourself. you are perfect. you just may not see this in this moment.

embrace your weakness, embrace your flaws.

do you consider yourself ugly, chubby, unattractive? embrace it!
do you consider yourself sad, anxious, depressed? embrace it!

and if you do this, if you embrace and love yourself, one hundred percent, with everything you considered bad and flawed, with everything you considered to be a weakness - you might break out of the prison you confined yourself to.
and you might discover some very interesting things. attain some very interesting goals. and find happiness, joy, ecstasy, of the type that is out of the ordinary.

how would this work out, and why? well, that is a bit harder to explain. but for now, have some good faith and try it. you might be surprised by the result.
and remember: you are beautiful, extraordinary, and perfect. every part of you is.

part 2

what i originally wrote might be a bit "hard to believe" without a real, good explanation. but, these matters are complicated, it's hard to explain, thus i will give no explanation right here. but i will offer some proof, and hope that this "proof" might convince you a bit.

the claim was: your "flaws", "weaknesses", are actually something wonderful and perfect.

"how could this be? it can't be true." you might say. and add "it's irrational and against logic, no one would believe this".
well, are you so sure about that?
let's look at society, history, culture. let's start with crime stories. the great detectives.
how about sherlock holmes?
one of the most brilliant minds ever. goes out of this way to apprehend dangerous criminals, and saved many a life of their innocent victims. is neither motivated by fame nor money.
a shiny, moral hero, right?
but, if you read the books: also an arrogant prick. a weirdo eccentric. narcissist. addicted to cocaine and maybe other substances. borders on sociopath without empathy. puts his life, that of Watson and others at risk. at times uses crime, burglary, blackmail, and other "dark" methods to foil his enemies.
so, what do we make of this? is he actually unlikable because of this?
no. it's actually these "flaws" that made this fictional character such a legend, that made his readers idolize him.
you don't believe this? well, every good writer knew about this concept, or at least emotionally grasped it, and made sure to add major "flaws" to their own fictional crime investigators:
hercule poirot with his inflated ego, and also borderline eccentry, his unhealthy appetite for sweet food and such.
"detective colombo" is a man who runs around in dirty clothes, could need both a shave and a haircut, and ruins his own health with his smoking habits - and is a "major asshole" with the conversation techniques he uses on his suspects (and others) - the whole "just one more thing" schtick and all.
and this is what makes readers and viewers adore these fictional personality.
if it happens that in a book, or movie, a fighter for truth and justice is introduced, who is indeed to close to perfection, without major flaws - always on duty, always moral, always disciplined, always "good" - the audience will inevitably scream: 'unbearable, dull, bland - we hate it'.

and please be sure that this is not some random observation, but a major truth is hidden here - that your own "flaws" are the strongest and most important parts of your personality, too!

you can also look at things in "real life", outside of books, movies and other fiction. 
pop stars, rock stars, actors, celebrities, and other "heroes" of our culture and society had major flaws, dysfunctions, a vital lack of a "normal" personality and behavior. (note: i'm not talking about celebrities here that dabbled in sexism, racism, homophobia. and such things. this is a wholly different matter and and this things should be truly rejected, detested, and punished).

and this is what people love about them! this is what people adore about them. we want no clean, perfect cultural heroes that border on fascism and authoritarianism.
just think of your own favorite music idols (or those you had in your teens) and their flaws, and how much you *adored* these flaws. was your idol shy? a social misfit? maybe they had a scar? whatever flaw they had, i know that this was one of the things you worshiped most about them.

i'll  give you more examples:
being a shy nerd can be considered a flaw. no one likes nerds, right?
now imagine, a new scifi blockbuster is made. and one of the main characters is a shy and nerdy young adult of whatever gender. now, do you supposed that people will go and say, "could have been a great movie. but there was a shy and nerdy person in it".
no, people will flock to the movie and love that character - because, that what is usually considered a weakness, is actually a great strength.

i could continue this list of examples on and on, but i think, by now you get the point.
just ask yourself that questions: if you read books, comics, or watched movies with characters that have such "flaws" such as being shy, being overweight, ugly, anxious, awkward, depressed, being misfits, and you loved them either way, and you loved them *because they had these flaws* - why shouldn't you love yourself too, even if you have similar flaws - why do you not love yourself *because of the 'flaws' you have*?
well. you should!

part 3

now that i provided "proof", i will actually do an attempt at an explanation. a fragmented, prototype explanation.

the idea is that everybody is perfect, infinitely beautiful, good, true, and right.
and, with the knowledge of this, able to attain the most extraordinary things, and to attain feelings of pleasure and serenity beyond one's own imagination.

but, now, there arise social, political, cultural, religious authorities.
and they say: "no no no. people are not perfect. to the contrary, they're all evil, they are all sinners, they're damned to hell."

so, a major religion might say: humans have sensual desires, and this is evil, and they're sinners when they have sensual thought, and they need to fix this and to overcome this in order to be saved!
but, the truth is that sensuality can be a wonderful thing, a pure and beautiful thing. it's not a flaw to have sensual desires, because these sensual desires can be a key to paradise!
so, this human "weakness" is actually a strength.

a political authority might say:
"some humans are not willing to fight in our wars. they're cowards and anxious and betray our patriotism and nationalism! if these people do not change, they will remain flawed, and become social filth."
now, the truth is that war is cruel, unjust and pure hell, and to refuse to go to a foreign country and slay innocent people and their children, that have done you no wrong, does not mean you are a coward. it means you are a hero.

or a cultural authority (like the press, celebrities...) might say:
"humans can only be considered beautiful when the fit to our cultural medial concept of beauty, that is attained by surgery, excessive make up, imagine manipulation, and a self-destructive diet and work out regiment. people who do not look like this and are maybe chubby, have scars, "bad" skin, small breasts, large noses, crooked teeth, are not beautiful, they are flawed and should be societally rejected"
the actual truth is that every human is inherently beautiful, and there is a true beauty to human bodies that are just like human bodies are, without strange surgeries and manipulation, and the media doesn't recognize this.
so, "these ugly flaws" are beautiful strengths, again!

i can give more examples like that. political authorities might say, people are lazy, because they do not want to "work their ass off" to secure the wealth of the rich. or a social authority might say that people should behave "bold and strong" and hide their emotions and not cry or act "weak".
or society, culture and politics as a whole might say that individualism is very dangerous, and every one should fit in to "their group".
all these are "flaws" that are considered dangerous by various authorities. but actually, these are not flaws at all.
they are powerful strengths.

in the whole history of mankind, the various authorities, no matter if of religious, social, political, or other origins, always liked to spread the "idea" that humans are dangerously flawed, and have parts of them that are flawed, broken, damnable.
because then they would need to be fixed. and who is providing the "fix"? the authorities of course! they will say "do you have 'sensual thoughts'? run to your church and confess and pray, and maybe they will go away! and always follow the rules of the church and its leaders."
or they say "is your body 'flawed'? come to us! we offer a lot of products and fixes. they are very expensive and dangerous to your health, but do not worry, because we will take all your flaws away if you follow us!"

that's the whole "selling idea" of authority! 'humans are flawed and evil, and only authority could "fix" people or at least keep their flaws in check, so people should follow and obey authority!'
variations of this "theme" have been repeated by religions, cultures, political organisation through all human history.
but do not believe them. defy authority!

part 4

this was a little attempt at an explanation.
but you might say, that this leaves some of the original claims open to answers:
claims such as that one could get closer to "the meaning of life" by doing this. that one can find interesting insights because of this. and achieve wondrous things because of this.

yes, i indeed think a lot of good things will happen if you follow this way.
because, essentially, if you think you are "flawed", if you worry about your weaknesses, and especially, if you constantly try hard to "fix" and change yourself, you are constantly and permanently blocking all your creativity, abilities, strength, energy - you are blocking yourself, your true self. you are are standing in your own way, cant move forward, and can't move anywhere.
and this forever keeps you from unleashing your true potential, and from doing and achieving the marvelous things you can achieve, and from feeling the emotions and joy that you can potentially feel.
do not do this!

you keep yourself busy by trying to block or get rid of your flaws, but you can't, because no matter how hard you fight, they always come back. since they are "hardwired" to you and your personality, because they should not go away, since they are actually - pure strength.
and by fighting this fight, you are wasting all your energy, can't do anything meaningful anymore, and end up feeling miserable.

and you not only throw all your energy away. you are blocking things which you consider "flaws" that in true reality are strengths, talents, abilities, intuition, untapped resources of meaning, brilliance and creativity.
so your true talent and potential never comes through.

it's more complex than that - all parts and things i mentioned here are way more complex than that, and these ideas could fill whole libraries, in my opinion. but we will leave it this way for now. i hope these sentences, however fragmentary and "shortened" they are, inspired you in some way; and feel free to explore these themes further. and i hope you can accept yourself as you are, and see how beautiful you truly are, in every aspect of yourself, your mind, your body, and everything else about you.

so, to come to a summary to all of this:

my idea is that the meaning of life more or less is to *just be who you are*. do not try to fix yourself. you are not broken.
and if you be who you are, your own, real, beautiful true self, then everything else will follow. very wonderful things will follow. i truly believe that. 

Hate Me

I always assumed that everyone hates me. Well, not for personal reasons, not "specifically" me, but because humans generally hate humans (just look at the news - they constantly fight and kill each other), and because humans especially hate people with "artistic inspirations" (as they usually got locked up, burned at the stake, etc. throughout human history).
And, yes, also for personal reasons, and specifically me, because even as a child I seemed to aggravate a lot of people, and it only went worse as I got older.
Now, this generates a kind of paradox situation, because, I'm a musician, and now and then it appears as if some people actually *do* like my music.
I always have a good explanation for that, for example: "people seemed to like my speedcore music back in the day, *but* the real reason was: at that time there were lots and lots of people who were hungry for speedcore, but only very few producers who actually did speedcore; so people had to listen to what was available, and my tracks were available, so they listened to them. but they didn't like *my* music, they just wanted to listen to something with a fast beat."
Or "people seem to like my doomcore stuff. But the reason for this that there are few producers who still do doomcore with oldschool-type percussion, beats, etc. So, among other things, they listen to my stuff, but only because there is few other stuff available".
But now, as we live in strange times, with strange thoughts all around, I began to ponder about a lot of things, in the last years.
And one of those thoughts was: "what if someone genuinely liked one of those tracks I did?"
Now you might say: "dude, stop pondering about these things. you'll get lost in your thoughts".
Yeah, maybe you're right. But, the thing is, this would have quite drastic implications on my music and my life.
For example: as I mentioned somewhere already, I don't perform or DJ at parties because of some (mental) health issues. But another reason why I don't appear at parties is: I assume noone would be interested to hear me play anyway, or I would get quickly booed or chased "off stage" or something like that.

Now, if it turns out this is "not true", and that I sat alone at home for all these years and missed many good parties, just because of a "false assumption", then I'd probably eat up my shirt in frustration.

Also, one of the main motors for me to produce and upload music is out of spite; "I won't let other people's hate silence me, I will go on, damn the consequences", etc.
Without thinking that anyone would like the tracks that I produce, or any other "positive" consequence coming from producing music.
And, over the years, doing this can lead to a very nihilist and self-destructive attitude, that spills over into other areas of life, and gets very problematic at times.
But, if some tracks were actually liked by some people... 
I wonder how that'd change my production and general attitude towards music.

But, I know what you'll say: "you're on a complete ego-trip here. talking about 'your music' and whether anyone 'likes it' it. who the fuck cares about this? Do you think you and your 'sound' are anything special? Eat shit and die!"

And yeah, you're probably right. In the end it would likely not change anything. But it's tempting to ponder about these things - even if pondering is pointless. And it's better not to get too lost in one's own thoughts, true.
But this is my little confession here. Of some of these own thoughts.