A common saying in our Western world is that we are constantly "oversexed and underfucked". In many, many movies, TV series, other media, life in Western society is portrayed in such a way that everyone is all the time promiscuous and there are opportunities for sex everywhere and everyone just wants to get it on all the time. This creates a sex image of life, and a lot of people believe in it. But it is not the truth. I think a more realistic way to look at it is this: 10% of people live that "crazy sex life" with lots of encounters and activities. 30% live a more average and meagre life, with month- or yearlong pauses, but on the other hand also some sex and relationships. They more or less "get by" sexually. And 60% have a close to nothing (or even nothing) sex life and only get sex or a relationship in the rarest of occasions. And this way of looking at things is much closer to the truth than the world the media seems to transmit and generate.
There are also some factors which decide if you are likely to get sex or not. If you're rich, or pretty, or in the best case both, you will have it easy. If you are poor and "not pretty", it will become very hard. Also as a male, if you're a social misfit, outcast, nerd, rebel, anarchist, or another type of freak, usually girls won't touch you with a ten-feet pole.
Why do I write this? Because this fake media created image of "sex" and a sexual life needs to be deconstructed. And the reality, which is often not as nice and shiny and exciting like the things we see on TV or at the movies, needs to be acknowledged.
Otherwise there will be a lot of frustration, as people will feel they're wrong or worthless because they are not part of the "big sex craze" the media projects, but which doesn't really exist. Especially since it is communicated that everyone can have a fulfilling sex life if one just does the right thing and changes one's personality. No, a lot of males, and women too, simply can't.
It's important to admit reality, to face reality, and not live in a fake world the media created and tries to pull over our heads.
Just say "no!" to the "sex craze".
My Progression In Music
When I started doing music in 1997, I was interested in Experimental Hardcore, as it was done on labels such as Fischkopf, Praxis, or some releases on Digital Hardcore Recordings (especially Ec8or). I was also interested in two styles that just began to emerge: Speedcore and Breakcore. So the first tracks I produced were in these styles. A very early track by me - Adrenaline Junkie - was an 800 BPM Speedcore track that was later the first track by me that which released on vinyl (on the Biophilia Allstars LP in 1998, when tracks with such speed were still very rare). So this was my first phase of doing music, and tracks from that era for example ended up on my Blut EP or the Widerstand LP.
My conception of music thoroughly changed when Somatic Responses send me a copy of one of their demo cassettes in late 1998. That kind of music just blew me away. What I noted was that there was not only a focus on noise and distortion, but also on intricate melodies. So I decided to leave the pure "bang bang" Speedcore and noise-centered Breakcore behind, and create music with attention to melodies and atmosphere too. I called this type of music "Soundscape" - the idea that there is music that makes you imagine a futuristic, alien or dystopic landscape in your mind while you were listening to the ambience and mood of the tracks. This was my main focus for a while, and results of this can be listened to on my Praxis EP or the "c8.com demo CD-R" that has been re-released digitally a while ago.
I had left Speedcore behind for a few years, partly because I didn't like the direction the German Speedcore scene had taken. But somewhen after the year 2000 I noticed that things had changed again. People were embracing the noisy, french label (Anticore, Sans Pitie...) inspired Speedcore I was loving (and producing) 5 years ago. So I decided to go on the Speedcore road was once more and produced a lot of tracks in that vein again. This also led to me being booked for a lot of parties in Germany, and a lot of tracks were produced with a live-setting in mind. Because I was more focused on playing gigs than getting my tracks released on a label, stuff from that period was at first not released, but I did so later digitally (on my bandcamp) and some tracks actually found their way to vinyl around 10 years later (Acid 8, Kick... check discogs for them). Around the same time that I started getting back to Speedcore, I also began to become very interested in Techno, Acid and Oldschool sounds - a style I had rejected during my "Experimental Hardcore" years, as I saw it as music "of the past" - but it was now becoming the future again. This led to the creation of tracks like Urban Uprising or Back To The Oldschool, released on the Acid Massacre EP. I was also becoming more and more interested in Doomcore and Doomtechno (a style that, unlike Oldschool etc, I had loved the years before too), especially the stuff that was done on labels like PCP and Things To Come. My own productions in a Doomcore style were first released on the Emerald Planet EP in 2005. There was a slight detour in 2004, when I did a "Soundscape Breakcore" album for Praxis that was planned to be released on Vinyl and CD, but, due to some complicated releases (on my part), was first released in 2018, digitally (the "Malfunction" album).
Then came my long break from the Hardcore scene (and producing music) which lasted until 2008. When I got back, I was very interested in Techno once more, especially Detroit type Techno, but also generally Acid, Techno and House sounds from the late 80s to the early 90s. Also my interest in Doomcore was growing once more. So from now on I mostly produced Doomcore with a focus on a Techno "groove" or theme. The results of this phase of doing music was released on many netlabels around the world. At the same time I was also doing Speedcore now and then, usually with an "Oldschool Speedcore" flavor.
My Techno love didn't wane, but I was also becoming very much infatuated with New Wave sounds, Post-Punk, Goth, Indie Rock... I was especially loving the focus on melody these genres have, with very special, emotional, bittersweet melodies and harmonies (music with focus on "melody" was, after all, a heavy influence during my "Soundscape" era already).
My production then shifted once more to melody and mood as the central theme of my tracks; the Techno influence didn't go away but it now had to play together with the melodic aspects of the track. These tracks, again, were released on a lot of netlabels.
So this was (is) my progression in music. I'm not sure where the journey will lead to next. Lately I've become more interested in Experimental sounds once more... so things become a bit like a circle, maybe? We will see where the road leads to.
My conception of music thoroughly changed when Somatic Responses send me a copy of one of their demo cassettes in late 1998. That kind of music just blew me away. What I noted was that there was not only a focus on noise and distortion, but also on intricate melodies. So I decided to leave the pure "bang bang" Speedcore and noise-centered Breakcore behind, and create music with attention to melodies and atmosphere too. I called this type of music "Soundscape" - the idea that there is music that makes you imagine a futuristic, alien or dystopic landscape in your mind while you were listening to the ambience and mood of the tracks. This was my main focus for a while, and results of this can be listened to on my Praxis EP or the "c8.com demo CD-R" that has been re-released digitally a while ago.
I had left Speedcore behind for a few years, partly because I didn't like the direction the German Speedcore scene had taken. But somewhen after the year 2000 I noticed that things had changed again. People were embracing the noisy, french label (Anticore, Sans Pitie...) inspired Speedcore I was loving (and producing) 5 years ago. So I decided to go on the Speedcore road was once more and produced a lot of tracks in that vein again. This also led to me being booked for a lot of parties in Germany, and a lot of tracks were produced with a live-setting in mind. Because I was more focused on playing gigs than getting my tracks released on a label, stuff from that period was at first not released, but I did so later digitally (on my bandcamp) and some tracks actually found their way to vinyl around 10 years later (Acid 8, Kick... check discogs for them). Around the same time that I started getting back to Speedcore, I also began to become very interested in Techno, Acid and Oldschool sounds - a style I had rejected during my "Experimental Hardcore" years, as I saw it as music "of the past" - but it was now becoming the future again. This led to the creation of tracks like Urban Uprising or Back To The Oldschool, released on the Acid Massacre EP. I was also becoming more and more interested in Doomcore and Doomtechno (a style that, unlike Oldschool etc, I had loved the years before too), especially the stuff that was done on labels like PCP and Things To Come. My own productions in a Doomcore style were first released on the Emerald Planet EP in 2005. There was a slight detour in 2004, when I did a "Soundscape Breakcore" album for Praxis that was planned to be released on Vinyl and CD, but, due to some complicated releases (on my part), was first released in 2018, digitally (the "Malfunction" album).
Then came my long break from the Hardcore scene (and producing music) which lasted until 2008. When I got back, I was very interested in Techno once more, especially Detroit type Techno, but also generally Acid, Techno and House sounds from the late 80s to the early 90s. Also my interest in Doomcore was growing once more. So from now on I mostly produced Doomcore with a focus on a Techno "groove" or theme. The results of this phase of doing music was released on many netlabels around the world. At the same time I was also doing Speedcore now and then, usually with an "Oldschool Speedcore" flavor.
My Techno love didn't wane, but I was also becoming very much infatuated with New Wave sounds, Post-Punk, Goth, Indie Rock... I was especially loving the focus on melody these genres have, with very special, emotional, bittersweet melodies and harmonies (music with focus on "melody" was, after all, a heavy influence during my "Soundscape" era already).
My production then shifted once more to melody and mood as the central theme of my tracks; the Techno influence didn't go away but it now had to play together with the melodic aspects of the track. These tracks, again, were released on a lot of netlabels.
So this was (is) my progression in music. I'm not sure where the journey will lead to next. Lately I've become more interested in Experimental sounds once more... so things become a bit like a circle, maybe? We will see where the road leads to.
#Gabber EFnet IRC
Another trip down memory lane. In the 90s, there was no Whatsapp or Facebook Messenger. If you wanted to chat online, you would likely use Internet Relay Chat, or IRC. IRC was organized in chatroom channels that ran on servers, that then were connected in huge networks. One of these networks was Efnet, and it had a channel called #gabber, run by DJ Skinner of Black Monolith Recordings. We were a dozen and a half users on there, including Acid Enema, Eye-D from The Outside Agency, Maurice from Rotterdam Terminator Source and lots of others (Satronica, Knifehandchop, Interrupt Vector etc.). It was good times, lots of networking happened, and the beginning of Black Monolith Recordings was laid in that chatroom, and it was also how I got into contact with that label when I sent an early demo of "Urban Uprising" to Skinner - the rest is history. Memories!
Biophilia Allstars
In the 90s, there were not so many ways for artists to connect on the internet. One of these ways were mailing lists; you were added to a list, and then you could send emails to this list, and all other members too, and everyone would get forwarded anyone else's mails. A quite rudimentary way of communication. One of these lists was the Biophilia list, run by Multipara. Before discogs.com, there were also not so many ways to find a discography of your favorite label online. Multipara catered to that need too. He had a website which listed records on such labels as Fischkopf, Mono Tone, Mille Plateaux... I got into contact with him to ask some questions about Fischkopf and later also supplied information myself, as I was "at the source" in Hamburg where the label was run. Eventually he invited me to the Biophilia list too. This mailing list orignally was intended as a list for people who liked the music of Martin Damm, also known as Speedfreak or Biochip C. and other aliases - hence the name of the list, but it then became more a list for "underground" electronic sounds, including Experimental Hardcore, Early Breakcore and similar outings. Members included Thaddi from the Sonic Subjunkies, Joel from kool.pop / ex-DHR, Andy from Irritant and I think DJ Entox and John from the Somatic Responses, was on there too, as well as many other artists or enthuasists of strange electronic music.
As so many artists were on the list, Multipara got the idea to do a compilation with the very artists of this list, and it happened.
The styles of this release are very varied and definitely show the varying interests of the members of this mailing list; from Chiptune and Ambient to Detroit type Techno to Breakcore and Speedcore everything is here.
My own contribution was the first thing that ever was released by me, Adrenaline Junkie, a 800 BPM Speedcore affair that was 1998 amongst the fastest tracks out there on vinyl.
It was really a special time and community, and this double vinyl was a special result out of it and it makes a nice memory to the mailing list, this rather "primitive" form of internet communicaton.
https://www.discogs.com/Various-Biophilia-Allstars/release/47142
As so many artists were on the list, Multipara got the idea to do a compilation with the very artists of this list, and it happened.
The styles of this release are very varied and definitely show the varying interests of the members of this mailing list; from Chiptune and Ambient to Detroit type Techno to Breakcore and Speedcore everything is here.
My own contribution was the first thing that ever was released by me, Adrenaline Junkie, a 800 BPM Speedcore affair that was 1998 amongst the fastest tracks out there on vinyl.
It was really a special time and community, and this double vinyl was a special result out of it and it makes a nice memory to the mailing list, this rather "primitive" form of internet communicaton.
https://www.discogs.com/Various-Biophilia-Allstars/release/47142
Ideal, Techno, And Revolution
In 1996 I thought Hardcore Techno could kickstart a social revolution; then, 5 years laters it seemed as if this idea was false, and the scene, world, society would, could not lead to a revolution, were not structured in a way to give room for such revolution.
But it took me around 10 years to realise that I was mistaken; that the idea of social revolution was right and real, and most importantly, true, and the things that seemingly happened in the scene, in society, its content and structures, were the thing that was wrong, of no importance, in all meaning - a false "fact". Revolution is still true and possible.
But it took me around 10 years to realise that I was mistaken; that the idea of social revolution was right and real, and most importantly, true, and the things that seemingly happened in the scene, in society, its content and structures, were the thing that was wrong, of no importance, in all meaning - a false "fact". Revolution is still true and possible.
Naturally High
Friends used to call me "naturdrauf", german for "naturally high", and it's true, from my childhood on I would go to states of trance / altered states of consciousness "on my own" without taking drugs. These "states" include feelings as if falling out of the universe / into infinity, loss of self, feelings of loss of control, brain going on "cruise control" with shutdown of reflecting / thinking qualities, feelings of going "out of of body" and / or feeling as if dying, states of extreme euphoria and / or fear.
These happened within very shades of intensity; often mild, but sometimes extreme (usually in states of stress or "too much" action).
Therapists never could help me with these feelings, and It has been the "great work" of my life to learn to live with these feelings.
When I tried to fight them they could be very unpleasurable and negative, when I accepted them and "went with the flow" they became very benevolent and positive and pleasurable
These happened within very shades of intensity; often mild, but sometimes extreme (usually in states of stress or "too much" action).
Therapists never could help me with these feelings, and It has been the "great work" of my life to learn to live with these feelings.
When I tried to fight them they could be very unpleasurable and negative, when I accepted them and "went with the flow" they became very benevolent and positive and pleasurable
Idealist
It's tough being an anarchist in a scene that is so full of reactionaries and conservatism as the Hardcore scene - but it's even worse to be an idealist when the scene is composed of "Hardcore materialists". I believe in the existence of absolute, unchanging truth, true, eternal love and pure, honest good (the philosophy of idealism) (and to avoid accusations of narcissism and ego - I don't believe these things necessarily fill me up - as a meek human I have my "sinful" parts too) - but the ideology of (philosophical) materialism is against these simple but important facts... even mentioning them accounts to blasphemy to the materialist worldview... and everyone I meet tries to talk me out of it, instead advertising fake pluralism and fake nihilism ("everyone has his own truth", "we don't really know anything for certain" and similar silly statements). Really a never-ending struggle.
Gas Bill
Most money I ever got for a gig was 50 Euro when I played Tresor. The promoter later said "Nice to have you hear for that price" so maybe I could have demanded more. But the usual thing was you got no money at all, and played for gas money; and often the party didn't raise enough money to pay for the artists gas bill (as rarely more than 20 paying people attented Hardcore parties), so essentially you had to pay money to be able to play at a party. But we were not in to gain money, anyway :)
Science Fiction Stories
Some people think Science Fiction and Fantasy stories are just a symbolism and metaphor for the structure of current society, politics, culture, everyday reality.
I on the other hand assume that current society, politics, culture and everyday reality just mimic, follow and are subordinate to the epic events and concepts of Science Fiction and Fantasy stories.
I on the other hand assume that current society, politics, culture and everyday reality just mimic, follow and are subordinate to the epic events and concepts of Science Fiction and Fantasy stories.
The Human Individual Singularity
When I was a kid I always had ideas that I thought were great. Such as possibilities to build a "perpetuum mobile". Later I learned that these ideas were already expressed by other people, and often were already refuted. When I got older I still had ideas I considered profound, only to learn once more they were expressed in the past, and better than I did. I learned to not be disappointed by this, but rather see it as a way of a kind of connection, that some ideas are part of culture and maybe civilization, and get expressed time and time anew.
Of all thoughts I had there way only one that, later in life, I never found expressed in any book, encyclopedia or other media. Needless to say, all my life is based on this one thought. It was something that occurred to me when I was 16 or 17 years old. I call it the "human individual singularity". What is the "human individual singularity? The (non-human) "singularity" is, apart from other things, a concept in computer science and artificial intelligence. I haven't read much about it, so what I know about it might be wrong, but, for this text, it doesn't have to be exact, because in this text only my interpretation of it is needed to illustrate a point that will follow.
The singularity, as I understand it, is the point when an computer programmed artificial intelligence (AI) reaches the point that it can make itself smarter or design programs that are smarter than itself; and these programs then design programs even smarter, or the AI becomes smarter once more, setting off a chain reaction that enables AIs to become infinitely smart.
Now what is the human individual singularity?
For it you need to realise the following things:
1. As humans, we have sapience, intellect, reasoning: we are smart.
2. It is of (huge) advantage to be smart.
3. We can raise our intellect, knowledge, mind by several methods such as education, contemplation, reflection.
4. We can use these methods to think up even better methods of raising our intellect and reasoning abilities.
Thus:
5. If we educate ourselves, if we learn about things, If we use our intellect to improve our intellect, our rationality to improve our rationality, we will get on a path to almost infinite intelligence; at least we will always get higher and higher with our mind and reasoning capabilities.
So how does one improve one's intellect? The easiest way is education, learning about topics, reading science books and so on. But on its own it's also the least fruitful. Better is contemplation, reasoning and pondering on the things you learned. Also reflecting on things. The more abstract and rational your approach is, the farther you get; this brings us to
6. The best way is to reflect on reflecting; to contemplate and ponder on the ability to reason and think itself; reaching a type of "meta-intelligence"
Thus:
7. Coming to the realization its best to use reason and intelligence not just on common "intellectual" topics but on everything you encounter in life; reflecting on everything and pondering about it all day, and every day of the week.
This is the idea of the human individual singularity. It's your decision if you want to walk on this path.
Of all thoughts I had there way only one that, later in life, I never found expressed in any book, encyclopedia or other media. Needless to say, all my life is based on this one thought. It was something that occurred to me when I was 16 or 17 years old. I call it the "human individual singularity". What is the "human individual singularity? The (non-human) "singularity" is, apart from other things, a concept in computer science and artificial intelligence. I haven't read much about it, so what I know about it might be wrong, but, for this text, it doesn't have to be exact, because in this text only my interpretation of it is needed to illustrate a point that will follow.
The singularity, as I understand it, is the point when an computer programmed artificial intelligence (AI) reaches the point that it can make itself smarter or design programs that are smarter than itself; and these programs then design programs even smarter, or the AI becomes smarter once more, setting off a chain reaction that enables AIs to become infinitely smart.
Now what is the human individual singularity?
For it you need to realise the following things:
1. As humans, we have sapience, intellect, reasoning: we are smart.
2. It is of (huge) advantage to be smart.
3. We can raise our intellect, knowledge, mind by several methods such as education, contemplation, reflection.
4. We can use these methods to think up even better methods of raising our intellect and reasoning abilities.
Thus:
5. If we educate ourselves, if we learn about things, If we use our intellect to improve our intellect, our rationality to improve our rationality, we will get on a path to almost infinite intelligence; at least we will always get higher and higher with our mind and reasoning capabilities.
So how does one improve one's intellect? The easiest way is education, learning about topics, reading science books and so on. But on its own it's also the least fruitful. Better is contemplation, reasoning and pondering on the things you learned. Also reflecting on things. The more abstract and rational your approach is, the farther you get; this brings us to
6. The best way is to reflect on reflecting; to contemplate and ponder on the ability to reason and think itself; reaching a type of "meta-intelligence"
Thus:
7. Coming to the realization its best to use reason and intelligence not just on common "intellectual" topics but on everything you encounter in life; reflecting on everything and pondering about it all day, and every day of the week.
This is the idea of the human individual singularity. It's your decision if you want to walk on this path.
Idle Time
How did I write so many tracks? Easy: I gave up the idea of idle time. I do spend a lot of my free time on working on music; and there is free time left; but I don't - or very rarely - idle. I know I can't work on music using all my free time without burning out (or rather, burning out more than usual 😉) so in order to balance this a bit I plan to have free time to watch a movie or read a book, but it's all planned. For examples, two hours working on tracks then two hours watching a movie. My days unfold according to a specific order. I rarely arrive at a point where I have nothing planned or don't know what to do. Because that was the major time eater until recently. For example, in the evening I would chat a bit and listen to music and do this and that, just getting dragged along by activities and just losing minute after minute, even hour after hour. Stopping this "lazy behavior" gave me time to properly work on music.
In the past I used to really work on music all weekend basically, but nowadays I'm more balanced and often the "planned recreation time" outdoes the art activity time.
But idleness has been banned to most part and my activities are more ordered now, with, I think, a better output.
Why did I do all this? Well, if you want to start a revolution by art, you gotta show some dedication. :)
In the past I used to really work on music all weekend basically, but nowadays I'm more balanced and often the "planned recreation time" outdoes the art activity time.
But idleness has been banned to most part and my activities are more ordered now, with, I think, a better output.
Why did I do all this? Well, if you want to start a revolution by art, you gotta show some dedication. :)
Do Away With The Modern World
When one is voicing any revolutionary intent, this often gets quickly subverted by the "agents of order", whoever they might be. For example, you say you want to abolish Capitalism. They will say: "...but some people profit from Capitalism, and not only the ruling class. Also, people in medieval times, even in the stone age, showed Capitalist behavior, so there is no escape from Capitalism. And what exactly is Capitalism anyway? And is Socialism any better?" and so on.
But there is one point, one goal, that cannot be easily "put aside" this way. And this is:
The modern world needs to be destroyed.
There can be no arguing about it, no second thoughts, no games of definitions and sidestepping, no fake pluralism about it. Is is a pure, total ideal and thought, one hundred percent the truth, a goal, a way, an ambition. You cannot talk and debate it away or your way out of it.
It also defines that the source of the misery the world is in right now is "modernism". It's not all of humanity that is the problem, not even all of the world - it's just its modern(ist) aspects.
Now lets get further on to this, our enemy, modernism. It's not just the obvious aspects of modernity - modern technology etc. - even though a lot of modern technology, such as social networks and smartphones and so on are very much part of the problem. It's the modern mindset that we should fight againt.
Technology in itself is not necessarily modern, ancient people used technology too, and as a good example: Techno music resurrected tribal and traditional drum and percussion focused music by *using technology* and was in this way, in the end, a lot more traditional than 19th century classical compositions - even though it used "modern equipment"!
Is terrorism the way, like the Unabomber etc. did? No, because as I said, we are fighting a mindset, and you can't blow up a mindset with bombs.
We need to employ art, theory, ideology, debates, poems, books, to fight the modern world.
So, this is our cry: do away with the modern world, and this is the path we should follow, and the ideal we aspire to.
But there is one point, one goal, that cannot be easily "put aside" this way. And this is:
The modern world needs to be destroyed.
There can be no arguing about it, no second thoughts, no games of definitions and sidestepping, no fake pluralism about it. Is is a pure, total ideal and thought, one hundred percent the truth, a goal, a way, an ambition. You cannot talk and debate it away or your way out of it.
It also defines that the source of the misery the world is in right now is "modernism". It's not all of humanity that is the problem, not even all of the world - it's just its modern(ist) aspects.
Now lets get further on to this, our enemy, modernism. It's not just the obvious aspects of modernity - modern technology etc. - even though a lot of modern technology, such as social networks and smartphones and so on are very much part of the problem. It's the modern mindset that we should fight againt.
Technology in itself is not necessarily modern, ancient people used technology too, and as a good example: Techno music resurrected tribal and traditional drum and percussion focused music by *using technology* and was in this way, in the end, a lot more traditional than 19th century classical compositions - even though it used "modern equipment"!
Is terrorism the way, like the Unabomber etc. did? No, because as I said, we are fighting a mindset, and you can't blow up a mindset with bombs.
We need to employ art, theory, ideology, debates, poems, books, to fight the modern world.
So, this is our cry: do away with the modern world, and this is the path we should follow, and the ideal we aspire to.
Truth
It's strange that people are trying so hard to look for the big answers, or worse, are entirely convinced they could never be found, when the same eternal, unchanging truths are always right in front of you, being spread in this world by millions of movies, songs, books. Truths such as: good will always win against evil, if you follow your dream it will come true for you, if you believe in yourself you can overcome every obstacle; and much, much more.
Now, some might say, these are mere fairytales, made up things, illusions, that only fools and dreamers still believe in these; well, then we should prefer to remain amongst the fools and dreamers.
Now, some might say, these are mere fairytales, made up things, illusions, that only fools and dreamers still believe in these; well, then we should prefer to remain amongst the fools and dreamers.
Modern Defect
Contemporary Breakcore, Industrial Techno, partying at Berghain are examples of things that have the same defect as Postmodernism, Psychoanalysis and many similar things: they re-introduce "traditionalist" and "archaic" concepts, ideas and themes into the modern world - the same concepts this very modern world tried to wipe out for several centuries now. But they do so in a warped, fragmented, crooked and ultimately dangerous way. The result is that these things have an extreme appeal to people who do not like the modern world very much; but instead of freeing them from the chains of this modern world, they only lead them down a road of misery and decay.
Anti-Intellectual
When I came into contact with "anarchist" anti-intellectualism, by the likes of Hakim Bey, John Zerzan, Bob Black... I became an anti-intellectual myself and was so from age 16 to 33. I thoroughly hated everything that had to do with reason, intellect, abstraction, logic, symbolism, language, philosophy, academia... and so on. When I finally grew out of it, I was very glad that my "rational capabilities" where at least still somewhat intact.
The only thing I couldn't agree on with the anti-intellectuals was the hostility towards "art"; I kept following and clinging to art, even in those years.
The only thing I couldn't agree on with the anti-intellectuals was the hostility towards "art"; I kept following and clinging to art, even in those years.
Isolation
I lived 20 years of my life in near total social isolation (minus the internet), with my family and some "assorted persons" more or less being my only close real world contacts.
Subculture And Vision
John Lilly wrote that the entire point of the developement of "psych-meds", something he witnessed first hand, was to find and create substances that would have the effects that drugs have on humans, but without putting them "on a trip". To make people feel happy or relax them, or make them feel more energetic, or more relieved, just like users of Speed, Coke, Heroin and all the other drugs - but not make them "really" high, make them have "hallucinations", visions, make them go off into "inner space", find deep and meaningful insights...
This is a very deep concept and it goes to the very foundation of western society. Generally speaking, everything is designed to make you high - but not to get you too far, onto a real trip. This just not happens in the development of "meds" but also is the very base of the subcultural struggle, of the fight of the originators of cultural movements against those that capitalise on them or otherwise take them over and suck them dry.
For example, Punk originally moved you far, made you challenge society, the government, rules, morals... decades later, "Pop-Punk" was devoid of that effect and just put money in the pockets of those major label executives that sold it. The same happened to Rap, to 60s Rock, virtually every music genre... at first, it is something novel, dangerous, challenging, that changed peoples mind and pushed them far... then years later the same genre still has remains of this very first euphoric buzz, but now it's safe, pre-defined, enclosed... not really make you break all the boundaries.
With Techno and Hardcore it must be said that the modern clubber who dances to Techno or Core all night and takes drugs likely will go on a "trip", and hallucinate, and so on, unlike the users of the aforementioned meds... but it won't be a trip that really gets you somewhere, that leads you to the final anwers, that makes you change your life on a profound and euphoric and positive level (it might change your life in various negative ways though)... this trip stays safe and pre-regulated... it's not a trip that really puts you into the far away dangerous zones beyond all limits... a limited, castrated trip.
90s Hardcore still had that power to push people's minds into the forbidden zone, the majority of Core does not have it now... Techno neither... but there is a new generation of producers that took up this mission again and sent you into surreal ecstacy and the feral realm. The fight goes on... so beware of things that have the trace of euphoria, but that in the end don't feed your head.
This is a very deep concept and it goes to the very foundation of western society. Generally speaking, everything is designed to make you high - but not to get you too far, onto a real trip. This just not happens in the development of "meds" but also is the very base of the subcultural struggle, of the fight of the originators of cultural movements against those that capitalise on them or otherwise take them over and suck them dry.
For example, Punk originally moved you far, made you challenge society, the government, rules, morals... decades later, "Pop-Punk" was devoid of that effect and just put money in the pockets of those major label executives that sold it. The same happened to Rap, to 60s Rock, virtually every music genre... at first, it is something novel, dangerous, challenging, that changed peoples mind and pushed them far... then years later the same genre still has remains of this very first euphoric buzz, but now it's safe, pre-defined, enclosed... not really make you break all the boundaries.
With Techno and Hardcore it must be said that the modern clubber who dances to Techno or Core all night and takes drugs likely will go on a "trip", and hallucinate, and so on, unlike the users of the aforementioned meds... but it won't be a trip that really gets you somewhere, that leads you to the final anwers, that makes you change your life on a profound and euphoric and positive level (it might change your life in various negative ways though)... this trip stays safe and pre-regulated... it's not a trip that really puts you into the far away dangerous zones beyond all limits... a limited, castrated trip.
90s Hardcore still had that power to push people's minds into the forbidden zone, the majority of Core does not have it now... Techno neither... but there is a new generation of producers that took up this mission again and sent you into surreal ecstacy and the feral realm. The fight goes on... so beware of things that have the trace of euphoria, but that in the end don't feed your head.
My Looks
I put a lot of dedication and effort into how I look, and am very deliberate about which pics of me I post and which not. How I look now is more or less the result of life-long dedication. The reason for this is that I hate, hate the "beauty standard" and try to look uninteresting / uninspiring, nerdy / bookwormish, freaky / outcastish. I want to be liked for my "inner values", not some outward appearance.
Now some would say "Ha ha, you look ugly and would look ugly even if you tried to change that", but I could live more healthy and different, go to the gym, loose weight, shave my head to make "bald spots" less prominent, eat less sugary food, don't be sleep deprived all the time and live without the blinds closed all days, and look maybe somewhat better / more healthy / more alive, but I couldn't care less about that.
The second reason is that I like the concept of American comics, being not shiny in real life with a secret life in which one does better; which for me translates into being a nobody in real life and putting some effort and getting some results in the world of music at the same time, and while I maybe didn't succeed with the latter, I did with the former.
On My Music: Psychedelic Effect And Reach
My music is known to some people, but there are a lot of musicians in our realms of sound that came after me, or before, or started at the same time, that are much more known. Maybe it's better that some music stays more "secret", or my music is just not that interesting. But the truth is that I also always took great pains and effort to keep my music from becoming to widely known to people. For example, while I indeed released on some "larger" labels, I generally keep away from "large" labels, to this day. Or for some years I didn't properly master my tracks (for example adding a lot of hard master clipping - even on pads) and this kept a lot of people away from music. I let a of chances to become "more known" pass me by, on purpose.
Why did I do this?
One reason is I'm not particularly interested in "fame", "success", "career". But there is also another reason that is more important to me. It's that I produce, and always produced psychedelic music. And this music can have a psychedelic effect on people. Isn't this a lot of responsibility for a person? How I can be sure of the consequences and effects of this music production?
Wouldn't spreading psychedelic music to a lot of people be like the plans of some 60s hippies to put LSD in the water supply to get everyone to an "altered state if consciousness" - with its horrible consequences?
To this day I have no answers to these questions.
That's why I rather keep it "under the cover". I assume that people who listen to the specific brand of Doomcore or Speedcore I make are mostly "psychonauts" who have experience with mind altering drugs or trance through meditation etc. and therefore are able to handle psychedelic music well, and positively, and responsible.
Oh you might add that I indeed spread my music outside my circles in the last years. This is true, I have become more bold and sure of myself in that regard. But I try my best to not - spread it to "too many".
Why did I do this?
One reason is I'm not particularly interested in "fame", "success", "career". But there is also another reason that is more important to me. It's that I produce, and always produced psychedelic music. And this music can have a psychedelic effect on people. Isn't this a lot of responsibility for a person? How I can be sure of the consequences and effects of this music production?
Wouldn't spreading psychedelic music to a lot of people be like the plans of some 60s hippies to put LSD in the water supply to get everyone to an "altered state if consciousness" - with its horrible consequences?
To this day I have no answers to these questions.
That's why I rather keep it "under the cover". I assume that people who listen to the specific brand of Doomcore or Speedcore I make are mostly "psychonauts" who have experience with mind altering drugs or trance through meditation etc. and therefore are able to handle psychedelic music well, and positively, and responsible.
Oh you might add that I indeed spread my music outside my circles in the last years. This is true, I have become more bold and sure of myself in that regard. But I try my best to not - spread it to "too many".
Five Phases Of Doing Music
There are / were 5 phases of doing music for me. When I started, I tried to make "Experimental Hardcore", i.e. using Speedcore, Breakcore stuff with avant-garde ideas and art in general. That stuff ended up on my Blut and Widerstand 12"s.
The second part was when I was influenced by the likes of Somatic Responses, Senical, The Joker... what I aimed at was basically trying to do a movie-score like sound with a big focus on ambiance and feelings... while still using Hardcore beats and methods. Turned out non-4/4 beats felt best for this approach. These tracks ended up on my Praxis 12" and the digital album in 2018. The third phase was me getting addicted to Techno, Rave, Oldschool sounds and I tried music for the dancefloor with a rhythmic groove and sounds, but still "Hardcore". That music ended up on my Black Monolith 12"s. After a 4 year break in producing I picked up right there and got even more into Techno and forward-pushing, hypnotic music, and this influenced my own tracks even more. This stuff ended up on Zuur and many other labels.
Then came the phase when I got really into New Wave, Gothic, Post-Punk and other music that focuses heavily on melodies and dark harmonies. I tried to make melody-centered music then and these sounds are on the releases I made in the last years. And right now I'm in my fifth phase, where I don't really have any such "beacons" to navigate by and just focus on the sound and the ideas, while trying to combine ideas from the previous phases into something new. This sound is for example on my Doomcore Initiative and Blackened Hardware releases.
The second part was when I was influenced by the likes of Somatic Responses, Senical, The Joker... what I aimed at was basically trying to do a movie-score like sound with a big focus on ambiance and feelings... while still using Hardcore beats and methods. Turned out non-4/4 beats felt best for this approach. These tracks ended up on my Praxis 12" and the digital album in 2018. The third phase was me getting addicted to Techno, Rave, Oldschool sounds and I tried music for the dancefloor with a rhythmic groove and sounds, but still "Hardcore". That music ended up on my Black Monolith 12"s. After a 4 year break in producing I picked up right there and got even more into Techno and forward-pushing, hypnotic music, and this influenced my own tracks even more. This stuff ended up on Zuur and many other labels.
Then came the phase when I got really into New Wave, Gothic, Post-Punk and other music that focuses heavily on melodies and dark harmonies. I tried to make melody-centered music then and these sounds are on the releases I made in the last years. And right now I'm in my fifth phase, where I don't really have any such "beacons" to navigate by and just focus on the sound and the ideas, while trying to combine ideas from the previous phases into something new. This sound is for example on my Doomcore Initiative and Blackened Hardware releases.
On Beatmatching
I sometimes beatmatch my mixes, but most of the times I do not. There are multiple reasons for this. For one, I love multi-genre mixes. Mix some Black Metal, Gabber, Dark Ambient, Techno, whatever floats you boat, and be happy. Nonsense to attempt at beatmatching in that situation. I must admit my own mixes rarely were "that" multi-genre. But for example I like to mix Speedcore with Techno, Breakcore, maybe a bit of Acid, and slower break ("Industrial") tracks. The variation of speed again makes it rather pointless to go for beatmatching in that case.
Second, Techno is defined by perfect sync and rhythm. And I always considered this to be a blessing and a curse at the same time. On the one hand, it mimics endless droning and pounding to a shamanic dance ritual until you go into trance. But it also mimics the marching beat of Fascism and the machine-perfect sound of a Capitalist factory. What is the solution to this dilemma? My answer would be: have it both ways. Use sync-perfect rhythm elements, but also off-sync chaos in your tracks. When producing my own tracks I like to include elements that in some way subvert the straight 4/4 rhythm of the tracks.
When mixing, I welcome moments that break out of the Techno rigidness, when Bassdrums of two speeds clash with each other or there is a sudden speed change, or a disorderly crossfade.
To be honest, the idea of a beatmatched rhythm is totally averse to me, I listened to some mixes I done in the past, and I thought back then that I did beatmatch them well, only to hear they were very far from exact with the ears I have today. Of course I could use some auto-sync program or function to solve this for future mixes maybe, but I don't like that idea at all.
To be honest I always liked the idea of doing mixes in which two or more tracks run at different speeds next to each other for several minutes, creating a complex polyrhythm. Still on my to do list.
So, yeah, the idea of doing beatmatched mixes is something I'm not so keen on, and I prefer to use a different method.
Second, Techno is defined by perfect sync and rhythm. And I always considered this to be a blessing and a curse at the same time. On the one hand, it mimics endless droning and pounding to a shamanic dance ritual until you go into trance. But it also mimics the marching beat of Fascism and the machine-perfect sound of a Capitalist factory. What is the solution to this dilemma? My answer would be: have it both ways. Use sync-perfect rhythm elements, but also off-sync chaos in your tracks. When producing my own tracks I like to include elements that in some way subvert the straight 4/4 rhythm of the tracks.
When mixing, I welcome moments that break out of the Techno rigidness, when Bassdrums of two speeds clash with each other or there is a sudden speed change, or a disorderly crossfade.
To be honest, the idea of a beatmatched rhythm is totally averse to me, I listened to some mixes I done in the past, and I thought back then that I did beatmatch them well, only to hear they were very far from exact with the ears I have today. Of course I could use some auto-sync program or function to solve this for future mixes maybe, but I don't like that idea at all.
To be honest I always liked the idea of doing mixes in which two or more tracks run at different speeds next to each other for several minutes, creating a complex polyrhythm. Still on my to do list.
So, yeah, the idea of doing beatmatched mixes is something I'm not so keen on, and I prefer to use a different method.
School Is Hell
"Because hell, hell is for children
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess" - Pat Benetar
"Hey, Teachers, leave them kids alone" - Pink Floyd
I hate nothing more than when there is a movie like this: a "troubled" kid has lots of problems in life and his social surrounding, then some teacher at school "believes" in him and takes care of him, and finally he can reach something good in his life and goes from a lower class to a middle (or even upper) class future.
Real school is nothing like that.
School is the place where kids get raped by their teachers (and other kids). School is the place where kids get killed or crippled by their bullies. School is the place that mentally fucks you up for the rest of your life.
and if there is one thing that school is not: a place for "social mobility".
School sent lower class kids to a lower class future, middle class kids to a middle class future and upper class kids to the upper class.
At my school, the kids of "poor" parents were always blamed for everything negative and bad that happened; and the teachers always gave them the vibe: "you're from poor parents, you'll never amount to anything in life anyway, so why should we waste our time on you."
While there was a middle class kid that had teachers as parents, and when he got into fights etc, he was never held responsible for it, "of course the other kids must have started the fight", "he is innocent", etc. It was always token care he would go for a middle class position later in life.
If there is some social mobility in schools, it's downwards: even middle or upper class kids *may* be sent to the lower class if they bring a rebel streak to school.
Same goes for all those teenage dramedy series, where school life is portrayed as being cozy and the only worry you have is about your first love etc; all the violence inherent in the public school system is completely blanked out in these shows.
School is hell.
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess" - Pat Benetar
"Hey, Teachers, leave them kids alone" - Pink Floyd
I hate nothing more than when there is a movie like this: a "troubled" kid has lots of problems in life and his social surrounding, then some teacher at school "believes" in him and takes care of him, and finally he can reach something good in his life and goes from a lower class to a middle (or even upper) class future.
Real school is nothing like that.
School is the place where kids get raped by their teachers (and other kids). School is the place where kids get killed or crippled by their bullies. School is the place that mentally fucks you up for the rest of your life.
and if there is one thing that school is not: a place for "social mobility".
School sent lower class kids to a lower class future, middle class kids to a middle class future and upper class kids to the upper class.
At my school, the kids of "poor" parents were always blamed for everything negative and bad that happened; and the teachers always gave them the vibe: "you're from poor parents, you'll never amount to anything in life anyway, so why should we waste our time on you."
While there was a middle class kid that had teachers as parents, and when he got into fights etc, he was never held responsible for it, "of course the other kids must have started the fight", "he is innocent", etc. It was always token care he would go for a middle class position later in life.
If there is some social mobility in schools, it's downwards: even middle or upper class kids *may* be sent to the lower class if they bring a rebel streak to school.
Same goes for all those teenage dramedy series, where school life is portrayed as being cozy and the only worry you have is about your first love etc; all the violence inherent in the public school system is completely blanked out in these shows.
School is hell.
The War On Symbols - Years later
A few years ago, I called for a "War On Symbols" in a traditional Post-Situationist way. The idea was to attack authority and big business not on a rational way, for example by Marxist critique, but on a sub-conscious, emotional, symbolic, instinct driven, *specifically anti-rational* way.
The results were *very* interesting to me.
Let's look at a progressive cause, let's say feminism.
There is something to be observed how this unwinds on social media.
If someone makes a rational post *for* feminism, there will likely arguments exchanged pro and con, and maybe a few angry posts. Similar, if someone makes a "rational" post against it.
If someone makes a rational post that also uses symbolism, something subliminal, subconscious, there will be rational discourse and lots of anger. Similar with an anti-feminist post of the same level, but the anger will likely be less.
Now if someone makes an anti-feminist post on a symbolic level *that is non-rational*, there will be lots of arguing and fighting, and less rational discourse. But if someone makes a symbolic post *for* feminism that is anti-rational, all hell will brake loose and there will likely be a shit storm and worse.
I'm giving the average reactions here; of course there were already shit storms for anti-feminist symbolic posts if they reach a large enough audience, and so on, and other examples that differed from it. But I'm talking about the average outcome.
What do we learn from this?
First, the right wing is already "tight in the saddle". On average social media, pro-right wing posts will generate much less confrontational reactions than anti-right wing ones. On many topics the right wing opinion is the "accepted one".
Second, so what about the options of anti-rational and symbolic activism?
I thought the hostile reactions implied that the rational way is indeed the better way to walk. Because people react better to rational discourse than to "attacks" aimed at the sublime and subconscious.
But then I read a comment by Jodorowsky that Symbolism makes people angry and afraid, because they are used to fend off rational criticism to their beliefs; but they are defenseless against the use of symbolism, and that's why they freak out, because they can not really protect themselves against it.
So, the use of anti-rational and subliminal tactics might prove very worthwhile in political and social activism. If you are willing to endure going through some shit storms.
The results were *very* interesting to me.
Let's look at a progressive cause, let's say feminism.
There is something to be observed how this unwinds on social media.
If someone makes a rational post *for* feminism, there will likely arguments exchanged pro and con, and maybe a few angry posts. Similar, if someone makes a "rational" post against it.
If someone makes a rational post that also uses symbolism, something subliminal, subconscious, there will be rational discourse and lots of anger. Similar with an anti-feminist post of the same level, but the anger will likely be less.
Now if someone makes an anti-feminist post on a symbolic level *that is non-rational*, there will be lots of arguing and fighting, and less rational discourse. But if someone makes a symbolic post *for* feminism that is anti-rational, all hell will brake loose and there will likely be a shit storm and worse.
I'm giving the average reactions here; of course there were already shit storms for anti-feminist symbolic posts if they reach a large enough audience, and so on, and other examples that differed from it. But I'm talking about the average outcome.
What do we learn from this?
First, the right wing is already "tight in the saddle". On average social media, pro-right wing posts will generate much less confrontational reactions than anti-right wing ones. On many topics the right wing opinion is the "accepted one".
Second, so what about the options of anti-rational and symbolic activism?
I thought the hostile reactions implied that the rational way is indeed the better way to walk. Because people react better to rational discourse than to "attacks" aimed at the sublime and subconscious.
But then I read a comment by Jodorowsky that Symbolism makes people angry and afraid, because they are used to fend off rational criticism to their beliefs; but they are defenseless against the use of symbolism, and that's why they freak out, because they can not really protect themselves against it.
So, the use of anti-rational and subliminal tactics might prove very worthwhile in political and social activism. If you are willing to endure going through some shit storms.
The Next Hardcore Revolution
A lot of people in the 90s thought Hardcore Techno, Breakcore or "Digital Hardcore" would lead to a political revolution; others might have not had such "high goals" mind but nevertheless thought Hardcore would take the world by storm, and Gabber and Hardcore would make a big impact and especially life would continue to be just a "big party"; others had even lesser objects of desire but at least thought they somehow could live inside the "hardcore world" as a DJ and producer etc. for the rest of their life and would not have to worry about such issues like having a job or caring much about money; living the "artist life" for good.
Nearly all of these people I knew eventually defected from these goals when they got older; and very much joined the boring "everyday world" they did despise so much when they were young.
I too thought all these concepts and ideas failed by the time around the millennium; and thought these things would be impossible to attain by now.
But when I got older, I realized this was not a rational response at all. It's like a scientist who designs a new plane, or train, or rocket. The first unmanned prototype blows up. A setback, yes, even a big setback. But does that mean he or she has to give up? Does it mean the project of designing a new rocket *has* to fail? No, in most cases the scientist will continue to work on it, and if the second prototype doesn't work, maybe the third or the fifth. The history of science is full of examples of technologies and people that failed at first, but the scientific idea turned right in the end (think of the failed attempts at "flying" before the first plane took of for good").
And this is very true for us too. The Hardcore Revolution didn't happen in 1999. But that does not mean it can not happen now, or in the future. We failed - once. So let's get up and try again. Return to our ideals and make sure they come true this time.
Nearly all of these people I knew eventually defected from these goals when they got older; and very much joined the boring "everyday world" they did despise so much when they were young.
I too thought all these concepts and ideas failed by the time around the millennium; and thought these things would be impossible to attain by now.
But when I got older, I realized this was not a rational response at all. It's like a scientist who designs a new plane, or train, or rocket. The first unmanned prototype blows up. A setback, yes, even a big setback. But does that mean he or she has to give up? Does it mean the project of designing a new rocket *has* to fail? No, in most cases the scientist will continue to work on it, and if the second prototype doesn't work, maybe the third or the fifth. The history of science is full of examples of technologies and people that failed at first, but the scientific idea turned right in the end (think of the failed attempts at "flying" before the first plane took of for good").
And this is very true for us too. The Hardcore Revolution didn't happen in 1999. But that does not mean it can not happen now, or in the future. We failed - once. So let's get up and try again. Return to our ideals and make sure they come true this time.
Fear Of Death
I used to be very afraid of death. When I was a young kid, I suddenly realized that I eventually will die at some point later in my life. This thought scared me so much that I had to vomit. It took me over a year to cope with this thought. Then later, the bullying started and my bullies threatened to kill me. This changed everything. Death and dying were no longer an abstract thing very far away. But something very near and real. I could've really died at my school. And I could not cope with it. The fear grew beyond control and I could not handle it. And I did not know what to do.
Until I encountered Hardcore Techno. The nihilism of Hardcore showed me that everything is meaningless, without purpose and importance - including dying. "It doesn't matter if I'm dead next week" was my credo as a teenager, and I lived by it. And it made me the happiest person in the world. What should you be afraid of anymore, if you are not afraid of death? I could do what I wanted and as I pleased - as I would not have to worry for any consequences of a future. Death became my best friend. And this was the mood, the inspiration for all my early tracks. The soundtrack to a joyful nihilism.
As I got older, I learned to value life a bit more and today I very much like to stay alive, and these death thoughts, to this extreme, remain closed and left behind. But it was something that has shaped me.
Until I encountered Hardcore Techno. The nihilism of Hardcore showed me that everything is meaningless, without purpose and importance - including dying. "It doesn't matter if I'm dead next week" was my credo as a teenager, and I lived by it. And it made me the happiest person in the world. What should you be afraid of anymore, if you are not afraid of death? I could do what I wanted and as I pleased - as I would not have to worry for any consequences of a future. Death became my best friend. And this was the mood, the inspiration for all my early tracks. The soundtrack to a joyful nihilism.
As I got older, I learned to value life a bit more and today I very much like to stay alive, and these death thoughts, to this extreme, remain closed and left behind. But it was something that has shaped me.
My Music: Internet
My music activity is "internet only" for circumstances beyond my control that I've already talked a lot about in the past. But I must say I don't think this limitation is entirely bad. When I started being involved in the music scene I was influenced a lot by Hakim Bey. He was very anti-technology and especially anti-internet, and this influenced my activities. I was involved in the Hamburg Hardcore for the very reason at this point terrestrial radio was already an outdated technology, and that radio was not the internet. Same goes the All-Out Demolition! parties - parties in the real world where real people can meet and are not mediated on a computer network. Or the Auditivsex fanzine; real paper, real listeners, something you can touch and is not just ones and zeros.
In the end in that period I used the internet a lot too, though, but I always tried to focus on the real world, meeting real people, eye to eye, real world locations, etc.
This concept turned around for me in 2014. I suddenly saw the possibilites of the internet and realised it is much better to do something on the internet than in the "real world". Because the internet is abstract, information, aimed at the mind; not something tangible and in the flesh, aimed at the senses and the physical body.
So I realized that computer and internet activity is superior to real world events; and finally saw the possibilites and opportunities in this area.
And I did not regret it since ;)
In the end in that period I used the internet a lot too, though, but I always tried to focus on the real world, meeting real people, eye to eye, real world locations, etc.
This concept turned around for me in 2014. I suddenly saw the possibilites of the internet and realised it is much better to do something on the internet than in the "real world". Because the internet is abstract, information, aimed at the mind; not something tangible and in the flesh, aimed at the senses and the physical body.
So I realized that computer and internet activity is superior to real world events; and finally saw the possibilites and opportunities in this area.
And I did not regret it since ;)
My Music: Satanism
I haven't seriously dabbeld with Satanism for a decade and a half. But I must say, "success" came very easy with it. I went from playing 2 gigs a year to 2 gigs a month. From playing in front of literally 5 people to playing in front of 1000 people. And all that within a matter of months. I've been wondering since then if there is any in his way "successful" artist who isn't involved in Satanism, occultism, Thelema, spirituality etc. in some way.
Love Your Self
There is only one thing you need to do in your life. But you need to do it. If you don't do it, everything you do will lead to failure, even if you seemingly succeed; at a career, for example, or at "family life".
If you do it, you can succeed at everything you want. Being a rockstar? A millionaire? It's easy.
Now you might say it's unfair, that you need to do this thing, out of all million things. How could you know it's this one? How could you find it?
Well, every human is constantly pulled towards it, and it is obvious, right in front of your face, more or less. If man would stop acting and live a passive life, he would quickly be pulled to and achieve this thing.
But the very essence of human life for 99% of people is to fight it. This is their main task in life, what they define as "life"; this fight against it.
So what is this thing? Very easy:
Love your self.
Not in a narcissistic way; although that can't hurt either; but realize that your self is the most beautiful, most special, most powerful, most wonderful thing ever.
That its brilliance and perfection outshines everything that exists; that it is simply the one and only thing worth worshipping, worth loving, worth caring for.
Now that doesn't mean you should think of your self as higher as other people's selves; they are just as beautiful as your self. Everyone has a shining self.
But only you can love your self in your own special way; only you are made to love your self as you do; it's up to other people to love their selves too, it's not your duty.
Actually, there is something to be amended to this; if you love your self, you will be on a way where you can love others and in the end everyone's self too; but first things first; you can only truly love another person if you have learned to love your self. But first things first; we might talk about it later.
Why am I saying you are constantly pulled towards your self? Because every day, week and year is a struggle, where your self gets noisy and demanding for love, and people decide to fight it instead.
For example you have an okay job with free time and easy life. But you have the chance to get a better job with more money and fame and success. Your self *screams*; let me continue the good life, the a bit lazy, but okay life, the humble life. But you force yourself to get more money and fame and go up the career ladder; chasing after illusionary things such as "money" instead of listening to your self.
Or you are on the chubby side. But society pressures you to fit to the beauty standard, so you get on a painful diet and annoying sports and so on, while your self screams, just let me have my sweets and chocolate.
I could give a thousand more example for this. People are constantly denying their self, going against it, hating it; when they could love their selves instead.
And this is the very basic of almost every outward religion or school of philosophy; deny your self to gain the kingdom of Heaven. Fight your self to meet Buddha. No, this is the very wrong way. Embrace your self. Support your self. Accept your self.
Now let's get back to the narcissism a bit. Narcissistic love for your self would be, "oh I'm so intelligent, therefore I'm so great", or "because I'm so beautiful, or so seemingly strong" etc.
This is not true love for your self. Because it it based on conditions. Only when you unconditionally love your self then you really love your self. Regardless of your IQ or your money or your looks. When you realize, from every perspective there is so much wrong with you, or not really a thing without possible criticism about you, and you're not free from imperfection and weakness - from a societal point of view, a rational, a real, or a human point of view; but still you love your self, your weak, humble, small, tiny, crooked, false, but oh-so-beautiful and radiant self. Then you truly have love for your self.
Then you can rise above every limit society imposed on you; any limit the world imposed; and you can reach your goals and dreams and ideals - with ease.
Such is the way. Love your self. Never forget about this.
If you do it, you can succeed at everything you want. Being a rockstar? A millionaire? It's easy.
Now you might say it's unfair, that you need to do this thing, out of all million things. How could you know it's this one? How could you find it?
Well, every human is constantly pulled towards it, and it is obvious, right in front of your face, more or less. If man would stop acting and live a passive life, he would quickly be pulled to and achieve this thing.
But the very essence of human life for 99% of people is to fight it. This is their main task in life, what they define as "life"; this fight against it.
So what is this thing? Very easy:
Love your self.
Not in a narcissistic way; although that can't hurt either; but realize that your self is the most beautiful, most special, most powerful, most wonderful thing ever.
That its brilliance and perfection outshines everything that exists; that it is simply the one and only thing worth worshipping, worth loving, worth caring for.
Now that doesn't mean you should think of your self as higher as other people's selves; they are just as beautiful as your self. Everyone has a shining self.
But only you can love your self in your own special way; only you are made to love your self as you do; it's up to other people to love their selves too, it's not your duty.
Actually, there is something to be amended to this; if you love your self, you will be on a way where you can love others and in the end everyone's self too; but first things first; you can only truly love another person if you have learned to love your self. But first things first; we might talk about it later.
Why am I saying you are constantly pulled towards your self? Because every day, week and year is a struggle, where your self gets noisy and demanding for love, and people decide to fight it instead.
For example you have an okay job with free time and easy life. But you have the chance to get a better job with more money and fame and success. Your self *screams*; let me continue the good life, the a bit lazy, but okay life, the humble life. But you force yourself to get more money and fame and go up the career ladder; chasing after illusionary things such as "money" instead of listening to your self.
Or you are on the chubby side. But society pressures you to fit to the beauty standard, so you get on a painful diet and annoying sports and so on, while your self screams, just let me have my sweets and chocolate.
I could give a thousand more example for this. People are constantly denying their self, going against it, hating it; when they could love their selves instead.
And this is the very basic of almost every outward religion or school of philosophy; deny your self to gain the kingdom of Heaven. Fight your self to meet Buddha. No, this is the very wrong way. Embrace your self. Support your self. Accept your self.
Now let's get back to the narcissism a bit. Narcissistic love for your self would be, "oh I'm so intelligent, therefore I'm so great", or "because I'm so beautiful, or so seemingly strong" etc.
This is not true love for your self. Because it it based on conditions. Only when you unconditionally love your self then you really love your self. Regardless of your IQ or your money or your looks. When you realize, from every perspective there is so much wrong with you, or not really a thing without possible criticism about you, and you're not free from imperfection and weakness - from a societal point of view, a rational, a real, or a human point of view; but still you love your self, your weak, humble, small, tiny, crooked, false, but oh-so-beautiful and radiant self. Then you truly have love for your self.
Then you can rise above every limit society imposed on you; any limit the world imposed; and you can reach your goals and dreams and ideals - with ease.
Such is the way. Love your self. Never forget about this.
Goodbye To Friendship
I already mentioned I'm a Christian Cult and Exorcism survivor. One of the first thing I had to do during this "Exorcism" was to cut off all contact with my friends. Of course the guy from the cult didn't word it this way. I just had to avoid being in contact with people that would send "Satanic" pulses and vibrations to me. It then turned out that basically everyone was a Satanist according to the cult. For example people who listened to Metal or Rock music, or generally music with dark and aggressive overtones, or people who worked in media, or it could be people with dark or "negative" moods, virtually everyone was included in these categories. And in the end they really did say almost every human was associated with "Satan"; because in their cosmology, mankind was created out of the "body of Satan" and yes, even the cult members saw themselves as essentially "children of Satan", with the difference that by the "wisdom" of prophet Jakob Lorber, they were different and could easily be saved and could turn into true children of god and angels. And everyone who followed the cult could easily do the same; but one needed to put blind trust into the cult and the "teachings of Lorber", to the point of being willing to lose one's life for "Christ". So I had to isolate myself from my friends. And this was just one part of the very twisted ideology and content of this bizarre cult and the "exorcism" I went through.
Sonic Messages
How can you spread your ideas? You can write them down and share them. But you could also use symbolism, that's already an abstract way to communicate a concept. Sound without visuals is even more abstract, and it is possible to spread ideas of anarchism, love and resistance, and other ideas, using just sound and music. Of course those who don't believe such very direct content (not something that is 'down to all interpretations') could be spread by sonic means are those who will be the most vulnerable to these 'hidden in plain sight' messages.
Exorcism Survivor
I collected my texts about being a Christian cult and exorcism survivor, as well as being the victim to severe bullying as a kid, and how these experiences tie in to my work as an artist, in an e-book. You can access it here: https://exorcismsurvivor.blogspot.com/
Malfunction
On my album "Malfunction" on Praxis once more.
I already mentioned that I had a severe mental health crisis in 2004, which led me to get in contact with a Christian cult (the Lorberians - based on Jakob Lorber) which led to an "exorcism" which nearly led to my death.
Because of this, I couldn't finalize my second release for Praxis, which was planned on 12" and CD.
Now, people asked me, why wasn't it released *after* these events - and instead 14 years later?
The thing was, there were many issues that led to my crisis. But one thing was that I had promised to deliver the album in 2002; it was 2 years later and it was not finished. I was way behind schedule, so to say. At the same time I was studying for a type of exam that was very important. So I decided to spent some weeks doing only studying half the day and working on music the other half. I stopped meeting with friends, going to parties, doing my radio show etc. I did not stop all free time. I watched TV some time and other things. But it was not much.
These were weeks of intense mental strain; and shortly after I finished the work, the crisis came into full effect.
It seemed to me as if I had blown my mind on working for the album and the exam. And this might be true.
But there was also another issue. As I wrote before, the crisis didn't start that year. I had many troubles before and got into spirituality, conspiracy theories, Christianity, Satanism and related things. When working on that album, I had the concept of writing an esoteric spiritual album. I tried to channel "astral energies", "angel energies" and stuff like that into the tracks. Yeah, I was pretty delusional and fucked up at that point. When I finished I thought to myself that I didn't write any tracks by myself but that an "astral entity" had possessed me during the production sessions. The first album title I had in mind was "Tales From The Astral Plane". How insane!
So this twofold dive into madness was the reason I kept the tracks all to myself all those years. I wondered if I should really release them given the circumstances.
But eventually I got around to thinking the tracks sounded pretty good despite the things that happened. And also a lot of work was done, especially the planning phase, in a saner state of mind.
So this is my story and the story of this release. Hope you can enjoy the music regardless.
I already mentioned that I had a severe mental health crisis in 2004, which led me to get in contact with a Christian cult (the Lorberians - based on Jakob Lorber) which led to an "exorcism" which nearly led to my death.
Because of this, I couldn't finalize my second release for Praxis, which was planned on 12" and CD.
Now, people asked me, why wasn't it released *after* these events - and instead 14 years later?
The thing was, there were many issues that led to my crisis. But one thing was that I had promised to deliver the album in 2002; it was 2 years later and it was not finished. I was way behind schedule, so to say. At the same time I was studying for a type of exam that was very important. So I decided to spent some weeks doing only studying half the day and working on music the other half. I stopped meeting with friends, going to parties, doing my radio show etc. I did not stop all free time. I watched TV some time and other things. But it was not much.
These were weeks of intense mental strain; and shortly after I finished the work, the crisis came into full effect.
It seemed to me as if I had blown my mind on working for the album and the exam. And this might be true.
But there was also another issue. As I wrote before, the crisis didn't start that year. I had many troubles before and got into spirituality, conspiracy theories, Christianity, Satanism and related things. When working on that album, I had the concept of writing an esoteric spiritual album. I tried to channel "astral energies", "angel energies" and stuff like that into the tracks. Yeah, I was pretty delusional and fucked up at that point. When I finished I thought to myself that I didn't write any tracks by myself but that an "astral entity" had possessed me during the production sessions. The first album title I had in mind was "Tales From The Astral Plane". How insane!
So this twofold dive into madness was the reason I kept the tracks all to myself all those years. I wondered if I should really release them given the circumstances.
But eventually I got around to thinking the tracks sounded pretty good despite the things that happened. And also a lot of work was done, especially the planning phase, in a saner state of mind.
So this is my story and the story of this release. Hope you can enjoy the music regardless.
Depths And Heights
I posted about some "dark" parts of my life recently. There were many reasons for it. First, I don't think "mental health" should be a taboo topic, and people should be more open about it (only if they can and want too, of course). But secondly, it's a matter of balance. There is always light and dark, pleasure and pain, success and failure. I went to some deep depths in my life, but I also went to the highest of heights (not talking about drugs). The question is: could I have had the one without the other? Likely not. It's just part of the human experience. My depths forced me to learn and grow, and reach better things. Light led to dark and dark led to light. Both are part of life. And both are part of the work as an artist. For example, I've been told by some people that tracks of me that dealt with dark feelings helped them to cope with, handle similar experiences. Is that then not a positive outcome? (Not to boast about this; just to give an example of how something dark let to something good. A lot of other artists can tell you the same.)
So it's all a matter of balance. Don't shut out one thing and only look at the other.
So it's all a matter of balance. Don't shut out one thing and only look at the other.
Psychonauts
I think most of us are psychonauts on here, i.e. explorers of inner space and altered states. I have gone to altered states "naturally" since my childhood, others use drugs to go there.
I recently read some literature by for example Timothy Leary or John Lilly on these things, and I noticed how "innocently-optimistic" they were in those days on these topics. 'Use LSD or Ketamine? Loose contact to your surroundings and "trip" for hours without being responsive? No danger. Just do it.'
While of course today we know of many "casualties" regarding psychedelic drug use.
So, the question for me is; is there a danger or a negative side to being a psychonaut or going to the altered? For example, I always shied away from those altered states where you lose control of yourself, or your body. On the other hand I had experiences where I completely snapped for a second; losing control, self and consciousness ("Ego-Death") and those were the most rewarding experiences I had in my life. Or on a lesser note, that thing at parties, when the music and strobes gets you "high" and you lose control of your body and it starts to move and dance by itself and you are just "watching by" and are enjoying the show - very pleasurable.
The problem is, if there is a danger to being a psychonaut; the danger would be hard to calculate as this a very complex and chaotic thing, unpredictable. For example a minor altered states can turn into a massive one within a moment; and if there would be a danger in a massive one, it might be better to not go to the altered at all, as these things can happen all the time.
"Organized" religions, from Sufism to Thelema, of course always stressed *there* is always danger, so you have rules to follow when doing these things, or even better, put all your faith in and give up your independence to a guru. But the danger here is of course that the altered is very hostile to rules and likes to bend them or turn them on you, and also your state of mind defines how the altered goes: if you go to the altered with the belief that you depend on rules, very likely something bad will happen when you come to a situation where these rules don't work anymore (and this is very likely because of the unpredictable nature of the altered). And blind faith in a guru has its downsides too.
The problem is also that, as we say in Germany, the genie can't get in the bottle anymore once it's out, so you can't really stop being a psychonaut, so it might be better to hope it's good and without danger as you can't really avoid it, at least if you have a natural inclination to be this way. All my attempts to not naturally go into altered states anymore were huge failures and put me in a lot of danger, and this is even an understatement.
So, it might be better to stay with the "innocent-optimistic" approach and enjoy the "trip" while it lasts. And it is a trip!
I recently read some literature by for example Timothy Leary or John Lilly on these things, and I noticed how "innocently-optimistic" they were in those days on these topics. 'Use LSD or Ketamine? Loose contact to your surroundings and "trip" for hours without being responsive? No danger. Just do it.'
While of course today we know of many "casualties" regarding psychedelic drug use.
So, the question for me is; is there a danger or a negative side to being a psychonaut or going to the altered? For example, I always shied away from those altered states where you lose control of yourself, or your body. On the other hand I had experiences where I completely snapped for a second; losing control, self and consciousness ("Ego-Death") and those were the most rewarding experiences I had in my life. Or on a lesser note, that thing at parties, when the music and strobes gets you "high" and you lose control of your body and it starts to move and dance by itself and you are just "watching by" and are enjoying the show - very pleasurable.
The problem is, if there is a danger to being a psychonaut; the danger would be hard to calculate as this a very complex and chaotic thing, unpredictable. For example a minor altered states can turn into a massive one within a moment; and if there would be a danger in a massive one, it might be better to not go to the altered at all, as these things can happen all the time.
"Organized" religions, from Sufism to Thelema, of course always stressed *there* is always danger, so you have rules to follow when doing these things, or even better, put all your faith in and give up your independence to a guru. But the danger here is of course that the altered is very hostile to rules and likes to bend them or turn them on you, and also your state of mind defines how the altered goes: if you go to the altered with the belief that you depend on rules, very likely something bad will happen when you come to a situation where these rules don't work anymore (and this is very likely because of the unpredictable nature of the altered). And blind faith in a guru has its downsides too.
The problem is also that, as we say in Germany, the genie can't get in the bottle anymore once it's out, so you can't really stop being a psychonaut, so it might be better to hope it's good and without danger as you can't really avoid it, at least if you have a natural inclination to be this way. All my attempts to not naturally go into altered states anymore were huge failures and put me in a lot of danger, and this is even an understatement.
So, it might be better to stay with the "innocent-optimistic" approach and enjoy the "trip" while it lasts. And it is a trip!
The End Of Times
I talked a lot about the end of the world and the apocalypse. This is of course meant only symbolically. It's a metaphor for losing all connection to worldly affairs. Many people are tied up in things such as society, work, hunt for money and fame, consumer attitude, family, friends, etc. And you can get nowhere if your mind is stuck too much in these things. This of course doesn't mean you should quit your job and live like a hermit (but feel free to do it if that's what you want). It's about losing attachment to the world on a mental, not on a physical, real level. This complex relationship between attachment, detachment, mind and reality could fill a series of books alone and it's hard to explain. I think something that Max Stirner said describes it the best: there is no "salvation" in worldly matters. Your job might give you money to pay your bills. It might even satisfy you. But it will never lead you to any truly meaningful or profound state of mind. And this goes for all other worldly affairs too. A little bit of fame might feel nice - but it won't give you peace of mind in the end.
If you loosen your attachment to the world bit by bit, eventually you will reach a point where it feels like you lose all of the world. And this is the metaphor I mean when I talk about the end of the world.
To explain this metaphor a bit more. The well known and cult science fiction author William Gibson grew up as an orphan. He once said that when his parents died, he not only felt like he lost his parents, but he felt like he lost the whole world. He was in a completely unprepared, strange, new situation that felt dangerous and incomprehensible. But this was the prerequisite for him to become a great author. He really lost the world - on a symbolical level - but he gained a new life.
Everyone who has accomplished something truly meaningful and profound has experienced this very own "end of the world" at least once in his life. Even most people who attained something out of the ordinary, but something of lesser acclaim (because it's material), such as becoming a billionaire or a rockstar experienced this.
You just have to go through this and you have to face this - unless you want to be stuck in a boring life for all time.
So do not be afraid of the "end times".
If you loosen your attachment to the world bit by bit, eventually you will reach a point where it feels like you lose all of the world. And this is the metaphor I mean when I talk about the end of the world.
To explain this metaphor a bit more. The well known and cult science fiction author William Gibson grew up as an orphan. He once said that when his parents died, he not only felt like he lost his parents, but he felt like he lost the whole world. He was in a completely unprepared, strange, new situation that felt dangerous and incomprehensible. But this was the prerequisite for him to become a great author. He really lost the world - on a symbolical level - but he gained a new life.
Everyone who has accomplished something truly meaningful and profound has experienced this very own "end of the world" at least once in his life. Even most people who attained something out of the ordinary, but something of lesser acclaim (because it's material), such as becoming a billionaire or a rockstar experienced this.
You just have to go through this and you have to face this - unless you want to be stuck in a boring life for all time.
So do not be afraid of the "end times".
Producing Durations
How long does it take me to work on a track?
Well, when doing tracks, there are two phases for me. First, the planning phase. Before working on a track, I make a detailed and often complete blueprint for the track in my head. The general idea and concept of the track, what synths to use, what kind of drums, samples, down to the percussion and the structure and patterns of that track. This often builds on an idea for a track i have suddenly, for example while taking a walk or cooking or watching a movie or anything else. I usually have the "complete" track in my head within seconds. In other cases, I have an idea for a track (usually a more "general" idea) and keep it, and only add more detailed layers to it later.
This then can span a long amount of time, I often add on ideas of tracks I had 1, 2, 5, or 20 years ago. Sometimes I have a track in my head for a decade before putting it down to actual creation. As I got older I got to diving faster into the past, and have made tracks that built on ideas I had in my early childhood for example.
So, there is a lot of work and especially a lot of time involved in creating tracks for me.
I have the track planned in my head. What now? Actually creating it. What happens then is between two extremes. Sometimes I create the track just as it is in my head - even though it of course sounds different when actually doing the melodies and patterns and structures, which sometimes has interesting results. But most often, when producing the track I get new ideas, and change the track then according to them. It's a matter of "going with the flow". I arrived at the point where I don't follow any notion of how the track "has to be" anymore - it can sound any way it can while producing it. Sometimes the end result is the complete opposite of how I intended the track to be (for example planning a Speedcore track and ending up with producing a Slowcore track). This "producing" part is usually very quick and fast and if I have planned the tracks thoroughly in my head already, I for example can produce a lot of tracks in just one weekend or even one night.
That the tracks change while producing doesn't mean I "discard" the ideas and planning then. It's more a marriage of sonic idea and actual production. A dualism that is complex and can be hard to navigate but it's what I focus on by now.
Well, when doing tracks, there are two phases for me. First, the planning phase. Before working on a track, I make a detailed and often complete blueprint for the track in my head. The general idea and concept of the track, what synths to use, what kind of drums, samples, down to the percussion and the structure and patterns of that track. This often builds on an idea for a track i have suddenly, for example while taking a walk or cooking or watching a movie or anything else. I usually have the "complete" track in my head within seconds. In other cases, I have an idea for a track (usually a more "general" idea) and keep it, and only add more detailed layers to it later.
This then can span a long amount of time, I often add on ideas of tracks I had 1, 2, 5, or 20 years ago. Sometimes I have a track in my head for a decade before putting it down to actual creation. As I got older I got to diving faster into the past, and have made tracks that built on ideas I had in my early childhood for example.
So, there is a lot of work and especially a lot of time involved in creating tracks for me.
I have the track planned in my head. What now? Actually creating it. What happens then is between two extremes. Sometimes I create the track just as it is in my head - even though it of course sounds different when actually doing the melodies and patterns and structures, which sometimes has interesting results. But most often, when producing the track I get new ideas, and change the track then according to them. It's a matter of "going with the flow". I arrived at the point where I don't follow any notion of how the track "has to be" anymore - it can sound any way it can while producing it. Sometimes the end result is the complete opposite of how I intended the track to be (for example planning a Speedcore track and ending up with producing a Slowcore track). This "producing" part is usually very quick and fast and if I have planned the tracks thoroughly in my head already, I for example can produce a lot of tracks in just one weekend or even one night.
That the tracks change while producing doesn't mean I "discard" the ideas and planning then. It's more a marriage of sonic idea and actual production. A dualism that is complex and can be hard to navigate but it's what I focus on by now.
Personal Anarchy
Personal issues and politics should maybe not mix. But I must admit I have a very strong personal interest in anarchism - it's not just a "selfless cause", so to say.
What happened?
When my bullies at school threatened to kill me with a knife and the other kids of my class cheered for them and encouraged them, with the addition of similar incidents before and after, I realized the members of the society I live in hated me so much that they were willing to kill me. I assumed that even if I would survive my teenage years, I'd probably be stuck at the lowest ranks of society for the rest of my life, or become homeless, an inmate or a person in a lunatic asylum.
And I did not know what to do about this. This all changed when I encountered anarchism and began to dive into anarchist theory.
There was a thought special (but not limited) to 90s anarchism, the concept that you can play the role of a somewhat adapted-to-society, conforming person and society will not see through this and take no action against you even if you're a rebel or outcast in secret. This gave me hope I could move freely in society.
Another thing was that anarchism inspired me to not silently suffer through all this bullshit but to stick up for myself and fight for my rights.
And, thirdly, the believe in revolution and societal change and a better world with freedom gave me personal strength and courage.
This lead to a lot of positive changes in my life, like helping me to handle my anxiety problems or to get a school degree finally, after I had dropped out of school due to the bullying, or to get along better on a social level with other people.
Years later, after many, many disappointments with the organized "anarchist" movements and personal setbacks, I thought anarchy and revolution were no longer possible - partly due to human nature, partly to the hopeless behavior of many people who call themselves "anarchist".
The result of this disillusion that my life came to a grinding halt and a cascade of events were set in motion that nearly led to my death in 2004.
I struggled for years until my heart found anarchy again - and then my personal life improved step by step too. Things were steadily getting better again.
So I know the clichéd statement "anarchy is nice in theory but doesn't work in reality" is not true. Anarchy worked in reality for me on a personal level. It's not just a "nice idea". It is something very deep and profound.
And it could work for everyone else too. For the whole of society.
What happened?
When my bullies at school threatened to kill me with a knife and the other kids of my class cheered for them and encouraged them, with the addition of similar incidents before and after, I realized the members of the society I live in hated me so much that they were willing to kill me. I assumed that even if I would survive my teenage years, I'd probably be stuck at the lowest ranks of society for the rest of my life, or become homeless, an inmate or a person in a lunatic asylum.
And I did not know what to do about this. This all changed when I encountered anarchism and began to dive into anarchist theory.
There was a thought special (but not limited) to 90s anarchism, the concept that you can play the role of a somewhat adapted-to-society, conforming person and society will not see through this and take no action against you even if you're a rebel or outcast in secret. This gave me hope I could move freely in society.
Another thing was that anarchism inspired me to not silently suffer through all this bullshit but to stick up for myself and fight for my rights.
And, thirdly, the believe in revolution and societal change and a better world with freedom gave me personal strength and courage.
This lead to a lot of positive changes in my life, like helping me to handle my anxiety problems or to get a school degree finally, after I had dropped out of school due to the bullying, or to get along better on a social level with other people.
Years later, after many, many disappointments with the organized "anarchist" movements and personal setbacks, I thought anarchy and revolution were no longer possible - partly due to human nature, partly to the hopeless behavior of many people who call themselves "anarchist".
The result of this disillusion that my life came to a grinding halt and a cascade of events were set in motion that nearly led to my death in 2004.
I struggled for years until my heart found anarchy again - and then my personal life improved step by step too. Things were steadily getting better again.
So I know the clichéd statement "anarchy is nice in theory but doesn't work in reality" is not true. Anarchy worked in reality for me on a personal level. It's not just a "nice idea". It is something very deep and profound.
And it could work for everyone else too. For the whole of society.
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