I used to be very afraid of death. When I was a young kid, I suddenly realized that I eventually will die at some point later in my life. This thought scared me so much that I had to vomit. It took me over a year to cope with this thought. Then later, the bullying started and my bullies threatened to kill me. This changed everything. Death and dying were no longer an abstract thing very far away. But something very near and real. I could've really died at my school. And I could not cope with it. The fear grew beyond control and I could not handle it. And I did not know what to do.
Until I encountered Hardcore Techno. The nihilism of Hardcore showed me that everything is meaningless, without purpose and importance - including dying. "It doesn't matter if I'm dead next week" was my credo as a teenager, and I lived by it. And it made me the happiest person in the world. What should you be afraid of anymore, if you are not afraid of death? I could do what I wanted and as I pleased - as I would not have to worry for any consequences of a future. Death became my best friend. And this was the mood, the inspiration for all my early tracks. The soundtrack to a joyful nihilism.
As I got older, I learned to value life a bit more and today I very much like to stay alive, and these death thoughts, to this extreme, remain closed and left behind. But it was something that has shaped me.
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