In 2012, the Experimental Hardcore scene of the 90s and related sounds had long been gone. What I noticed was that this sound literally had become inaccessible for the new generation and everyone else who was not "part of it" back in the days; the records were long out of print and fetched for extremely high sums on places like the Discogs marketplace; so except for a few collectors (and if you did not get hold of the records in the 90s when they were released), it was just not possible to hear the sound of some Fischkopf, Anticore, etc. releases anymore.
This made the sound of this "scene" unobtainable - as if it had disappeared - forever?
So what to do - to bring this sound back?
The first thing I tried to do was to talk a lot about releases and labels and artists on forums, on chats, in order to at least get the "word out" in some way. But of course, the result was that many people just did not care or were annoyed - it all seemed like old folks going on about some "glory days" that they could not connect to.
A guy I knew from "Internet Relay Chat" began uploading selected Experimental Hardcore records to his blog - but this did not work either, and ofter some complaints from labels, artists, and record stores selling them - those rare ones that were still being sold - he had to take a lot of them down again.
Then I finally had the idea - I could showcase labels and artists from that field of music in a mix!
Therefore, the sounds can be heard again - and those who didn't care would not need to listen to it, and don't be annoyed.
This seemed like a good concept to bring this sound to the new generation, and other people.
So I started with some big artists and labels like Somatic Responses and Fischkopf, and went on from there.
Another issue connected to this was that while sites like Discogs list artists and releases and so on, a lot of the "connections" in between the scene were no longer known or obvious; for example that Phil Klein aka Bass Junkie was connected to the Hardcore scene; or that Breakcore first had its place within the Hardcore scene and was not a scene of its own, and that DJs would play Hardcore, Acidcore, Breakcore and Speedcore in one mix because it was still linked. With the mixes, I could show these connections.
Some people have complained that my mixes are rarely "beatmatched"; but one of the main reasons for that was that I saw myself more as a "radio DJ" who plays tunes (the first mixes I did were actually on a terrestrial radio station back in 2000), not as a DJ at a gig who tries to do a highly technically skilled set. Of course I too wanted to create a pleasurable mix for the listeners; but the most important objective was to get the "sound out"; everything else was secondary.
Now, a few years later, the situation has changed - a lot. There have been plenty of re-releases - both digital and on vinyl - with Hardcore sound from the 90s, for example the Taciturne Archives or The Mover re-releases.
Also, on Youtube there are now a lot of uploads of tracks from "back in the day" that people can listen to.
So the sound is much, much more accessible now then it was those years ago.
That's why I'm trying to focus on more "obscure" sounds and artists in my mixes now, to shine a bit of light on these too.
Mental Health Problems As Alternative States Of Consciousness
There is something that is very obvious, but is rarely being mentioned.
Which is that the symptoms usually associated with "mental illness" mirror the sensations associated with alternative states of consciosuness. And there are some conclusions to draw from that.
Let's take a closer look at this.
Anxiety
Many people suffer from anxiety. The symptoms associated with this are usually an intense feeling of panic, stress, and further feelings such as being afraid to "lose control" or "lose one's mind". Now, therapists usually will say that the latter result from the former; you feel so much fear, and because of that, you think you are gonna lose your mind. This is pretty much - dogma. But is this conclusion so obvious? Could it not rather be that anxious people feel fear AND the feeling of losing one's mind, control etc.? Or maybe even - that the actual main feeling is that strange feeling of the mind, and the fear is actually the result? You feel you lose your mind - of course this feeling makes you panic.
The thing is that all these sensations can also be very typical of experiencing an "alternative of consciousness". The feeling of one's mind changing, of it sort of slipping away and losing control of one or another part of your mind or body, and so on. Also, fear and panic can be typical of an alternative state of consciousness, which in "drug lingo" is then called a "bad trip".
So maybe "anxiety patients" are NOT experiencing mere panic attacks, but experiencing alternative states of consciousness?
John C. Lilly was a neuroscientist who explored alternative states in the 60s and beyond, both in himself - and plenty of others.
He designated the states with numbers such as +24, +12, +6, -24, -12, -6...
The smaller the number, the "higher" the state.
He noted that the higher the state, the more of a loss of "mind", "self", "control" and so on was experienced - which again reminds us of the "mind losing" anxiety experiences.
He used positive and negative numbers to differ between postive and negative experiences (the "bad trips"). +3 was an extremely positive state, +3 an extremely negative one.
What is interesting is that he stated that positive and negative experience are essentially the same: +3 IS -3. They just differ in the way they are experienced and in the way the person reacts.
To simplify things: if someone did not give in, tried to hide from, turned away from a state, it became a negative thing. Lack of "submission" and trust led to -12, -6, -3 etc.
This gives the idea that the "negative" feelings associated with "anxiety" may be caused from people who reach an alternative state (which they falsely call "panic attack"), but try to turn away from it, try to make it go away.
If they just let this "anxiety", or rather, state, happen and let it take itt turn, they could rather enjoy it and maybe learn something from it.
Depression
Depression might be less obviously connected to symptoms of a "state" or "trip" than that flashy, sudden, mind-altering anxiety experience during a "panic attack".
In order to explain this, we need to make a further connection, which many people will disagree with this.
Which is the idea that what is usually called the "religious / mystic experience" is linked to alternative states of consciousness.
Let's face it - when you see a burning bush talking to you, as in one of the stories of the bible, you are clearly "hallucinating".
Through ritual, meditation or other methods mystics reached alternative states of consciousness.
Now let's look at what the mystics wrote down or teached, taken from the feelings / insights experienced during these states.
There is a common theme in religion and mysticism that - "life is suffering", anything in the world is painful and vain, all that exist is a huge nothingness, and so on.
Doesn't that mirror the notions of people who "suffer from depression"?
Could it be that that those that are called "depressed" - rather are experiencing alternative states of consciousness, are in touch with insights associated with alternative states of consciousness?
You might say that "mystics" also have positive things to say while "depression" is purely negative. But that's not the case. Many mystics expressed notions such as that there really is merely "nothingness" and "suffering" in this world. If you looked up the texts of some mystics, you would really find a lot of content that would be considered as being of an "extremely depressed" nature.
But more importantly, remember what John C. Lilly said about +6, -6, etc.
"Depression patients" fight the states and the insights. So it turns sour and negative. If they would let them in an build on them, they indeed could reach those "positive" states too. And the insights labeled as "negative" could be completed with more positive ones.
Psychosis
Psychosis is essentially an "endless bad trip" and I doubt anyone one will deny the similarities of this experience to alternative states of consciousness, so I won't use much words here.
Conclusions
These were three examples. If the idea presented here is true then it would be wrong to assign people with terms such as "suffering from anxiety" or "depression".
What rather is going on is that while many people - even "mystics" - need drugs, meditation, and other methods to attain alternative states of consciousness, some people go into these states regularly "on their own", "by themselves", and this can happen on a train, or at work, or while taking a walk, and is then mislabeled as "anxiety", "depression", and so on.
The problem is then that the treatment is all wrong; because these states are denied and given other terms, and the point of the therapy is usually to get rid of these states. But because these states are not actually "anxiety", "depression" and such, and because these "patients" have a natural inclinination to go into these states, this "therapy" won't help much then.
Regardless of what therapists say, people who got "anxiety" or "depression" usually have it for all of their lives - and what is said above explains why.
Another issue is that handling these states is problematic in itself. Most "mystics" stress you need a guru or a similar person to properly get through these states. During the 60s, when people experimented with these states they usually had a guide who helped them during the experience too (it's interesting that the first "LSD guides" often actually where certified therapists!). Getting into this state on your own can be very frightening, confusing, chaotic. Especially if it happens when you are in public, or attending a meeting at work and so on.
I don't have an easy solution for this problem either; because contemporary society is simply not prepared to deal with alternative states of consciousness, and those that experience them on a regular basis. Maybe the old Sufi statement of having to live "alone in the crowd" is a helpful indicator. And people who deal with this "problem" have to find solutions to it - on their own.
What would be helpful, too, is to remove the "mental health problem" stigma. A person calling people with "anxiety" or "depression" mentally ill is like a cat calling a bird "physically ill" because it is able to fly while the cat has to walk and crawl all of its life. Similary, most people live in "ordinary states of consciousness" and don't understand those who do not, and whose minds "fly off" now and then.
So, there is still a lot of work to be done, and progress to be made. But getting a better understanding of this topic can be a first step.
Which is that the symptoms usually associated with "mental illness" mirror the sensations associated with alternative states of consciosuness. And there are some conclusions to draw from that.
Let's take a closer look at this.
Anxiety
Many people suffer from anxiety. The symptoms associated with this are usually an intense feeling of panic, stress, and further feelings such as being afraid to "lose control" or "lose one's mind". Now, therapists usually will say that the latter result from the former; you feel so much fear, and because of that, you think you are gonna lose your mind. This is pretty much - dogma. But is this conclusion so obvious? Could it not rather be that anxious people feel fear AND the feeling of losing one's mind, control etc.? Or maybe even - that the actual main feeling is that strange feeling of the mind, and the fear is actually the result? You feel you lose your mind - of course this feeling makes you panic.
The thing is that all these sensations can also be very typical of experiencing an "alternative of consciousness". The feeling of one's mind changing, of it sort of slipping away and losing control of one or another part of your mind or body, and so on. Also, fear and panic can be typical of an alternative state of consciousness, which in "drug lingo" is then called a "bad trip".
So maybe "anxiety patients" are NOT experiencing mere panic attacks, but experiencing alternative states of consciousness?
John C. Lilly was a neuroscientist who explored alternative states in the 60s and beyond, both in himself - and plenty of others.
He designated the states with numbers such as +24, +12, +6, -24, -12, -6...
The smaller the number, the "higher" the state.
He noted that the higher the state, the more of a loss of "mind", "self", "control" and so on was experienced - which again reminds us of the "mind losing" anxiety experiences.
He used positive and negative numbers to differ between postive and negative experiences (the "bad trips"). +3 was an extremely positive state, +3 an extremely negative one.
What is interesting is that he stated that positive and negative experience are essentially the same: +3 IS -3. They just differ in the way they are experienced and in the way the person reacts.
To simplify things: if someone did not give in, tried to hide from, turned away from a state, it became a negative thing. Lack of "submission" and trust led to -12, -6, -3 etc.
This gives the idea that the "negative" feelings associated with "anxiety" may be caused from people who reach an alternative state (which they falsely call "panic attack"), but try to turn away from it, try to make it go away.
If they just let this "anxiety", or rather, state, happen and let it take itt turn, they could rather enjoy it and maybe learn something from it.
Depression
Depression might be less obviously connected to symptoms of a "state" or "trip" than that flashy, sudden, mind-altering anxiety experience during a "panic attack".
In order to explain this, we need to make a further connection, which many people will disagree with this.
Which is the idea that what is usually called the "religious / mystic experience" is linked to alternative states of consciousness.
Let's face it - when you see a burning bush talking to you, as in one of the stories of the bible, you are clearly "hallucinating".
Through ritual, meditation or other methods mystics reached alternative states of consciousness.
Now let's look at what the mystics wrote down or teached, taken from the feelings / insights experienced during these states.
There is a common theme in religion and mysticism that - "life is suffering", anything in the world is painful and vain, all that exist is a huge nothingness, and so on.
Doesn't that mirror the notions of people who "suffer from depression"?
Could it be that that those that are called "depressed" - rather are experiencing alternative states of consciousness, are in touch with insights associated with alternative states of consciousness?
You might say that "mystics" also have positive things to say while "depression" is purely negative. But that's not the case. Many mystics expressed notions such as that there really is merely "nothingness" and "suffering" in this world. If you looked up the texts of some mystics, you would really find a lot of content that would be considered as being of an "extremely depressed" nature.
But more importantly, remember what John C. Lilly said about +6, -6, etc.
"Depression patients" fight the states and the insights. So it turns sour and negative. If they would let them in an build on them, they indeed could reach those "positive" states too. And the insights labeled as "negative" could be completed with more positive ones.
Psychosis
Psychosis is essentially an "endless bad trip" and I doubt anyone one will deny the similarities of this experience to alternative states of consciousness, so I won't use much words here.
Conclusions
These were three examples. If the idea presented here is true then it would be wrong to assign people with terms such as "suffering from anxiety" or "depression".
What rather is going on is that while many people - even "mystics" - need drugs, meditation, and other methods to attain alternative states of consciousness, some people go into these states regularly "on their own", "by themselves", and this can happen on a train, or at work, or while taking a walk, and is then mislabeled as "anxiety", "depression", and so on.
The problem is then that the treatment is all wrong; because these states are denied and given other terms, and the point of the therapy is usually to get rid of these states. But because these states are not actually "anxiety", "depression" and such, and because these "patients" have a natural inclinination to go into these states, this "therapy" won't help much then.
Regardless of what therapists say, people who got "anxiety" or "depression" usually have it for all of their lives - and what is said above explains why.
Another issue is that handling these states is problematic in itself. Most "mystics" stress you need a guru or a similar person to properly get through these states. During the 60s, when people experimented with these states they usually had a guide who helped them during the experience too (it's interesting that the first "LSD guides" often actually where certified therapists!). Getting into this state on your own can be very frightening, confusing, chaotic. Especially if it happens when you are in public, or attending a meeting at work and so on.
I don't have an easy solution for this problem either; because contemporary society is simply not prepared to deal with alternative states of consciousness, and those that experience them on a regular basis. Maybe the old Sufi statement of having to live "alone in the crowd" is a helpful indicator. And people who deal with this "problem" have to find solutions to it - on their own.
What would be helpful, too, is to remove the "mental health problem" stigma. A person calling people with "anxiety" or "depression" mentally ill is like a cat calling a bird "physically ill" because it is able to fly while the cat has to walk and crawl all of its life. Similary, most people live in "ordinary states of consciousness" and don't understand those who do not, and whose minds "fly off" now and then.
So, there is still a lot of work to be done, and progress to be made. But getting a better understanding of this topic can be a first step.
Advice
Stirnerian advice: If you got a severe problem in your life, and worrying about it makes you feel bad, tense, etc., then stop worrying about it. Because if nothing matters anyway, you can as well face disaster with a smile.
Social Media As A Revolutionary Tool
Why am I on social media? The question rather is: why was I not on social media?
In the past I subscribed to some neo-luddite, primitivist, "anarchist" strains of thinking that criticized technology, media, and especially the internet, but also political movements in general and the anarchist milieu itself.
The thought was something like this: anarchists and leftists write a lot of manifestos, position papers, essays, release them in magazines or, more often, on the net, and they think, "that's it!", that's already the revolution. But it's just a *symbolic* act. It won't change anything. If you really want to change the world, you need to go out into the *real world*, do some tangible action, organize a strike, set up an anarchist cell with other people, and so on. Now, I have nothing against strikes or "direct action". But the truth is that *symbolic action* works; that technology and media can be used for revolutionary aims.
Writing about anarchism on the internet and on social media will change the world. Because it will make people think, become aware of anarchism, reflect on authority and injustice, and so on; and these new thoughts will move their everyday life experience; eventually change their own behavior and attitude and concepts, thus it flows into the real, "tangible" world, and if enough people are part of this change, the world will change with them.
The word, language is more powerful than any "tangible" form of action. If you spread revolutionary words, you spread the revolution.
Thus the internet, social media is a wonderful, wonderful tool for the revolutionary struggle. Spread ideas, text, symbols on the various forms of media - and you will change the world.
In the past I subscribed to some neo-luddite, primitivist, "anarchist" strains of thinking that criticized technology, media, and especially the internet, but also political movements in general and the anarchist milieu itself.
The thought was something like this: anarchists and leftists write a lot of manifestos, position papers, essays, release them in magazines or, more often, on the net, and they think, "that's it!", that's already the revolution. But it's just a *symbolic* act. It won't change anything. If you really want to change the world, you need to go out into the *real world*, do some tangible action, organize a strike, set up an anarchist cell with other people, and so on. Now, I have nothing against strikes or "direct action". But the truth is that *symbolic action* works; that technology and media can be used for revolutionary aims.
Writing about anarchism on the internet and on social media will change the world. Because it will make people think, become aware of anarchism, reflect on authority and injustice, and so on; and these new thoughts will move their everyday life experience; eventually change their own behavior and attitude and concepts, thus it flows into the real, "tangible" world, and if enough people are part of this change, the world will change with them.
The word, language is more powerful than any "tangible" form of action. If you spread revolutionary words, you spread the revolution.
Thus the internet, social media is a wonderful, wonderful tool for the revolutionary struggle. Spread ideas, text, symbols on the various forms of media - and you will change the world.
In Order To Change The World
As a teen, and later, I ran around in the real world, attending anarchist meetings, visited many squats, met with people in order to win them over politically, tried to form groups and projects, and so on, and what did I - or rather "we" - attain and achieve? Nothing.
Then I realized all you need in order to change the world is a computer and access to the internet.
Then I realized all you need in order to change the world is a computer and access to the internet.
Embracing Your Own Sickness: Inbetween Anxiety And Ecstasy
As a kid, and later as a teen, I was suffering from severe anxiety and panic attacks.
I also knew about "ritual ecstasy": indigenous people would through methods such as relentless dancing reach an ecstatic high.
Then something eventually dawned on me, and I made the connection.
During my anxiety attacks, I would experience symptoms such as my heartbeat rushing, rising temperature, sweating, and, above all, the feeling I would somehow lose my mind and get detached from reality.
Was that not a state that from the description seemed very close to the experience of ritual ecstasy?
So I decided to no longer fight my anxiety, but let it rise to a maximum level and let it take complete control, of me, let it wash over me.
And, did I experience "ecstasy" this way?
Yes I did. I reached states of complete euphoria, bliss and happiness. Some of my happiest moments in life were during these highjacked "anxiety attacks".
It made me a completely satisfied person.
People I encountered later in life often told me I was "naturally high" or appeared bubbly and optimistic most of the time.
Little did they know that in social situations, or for example when playing at parties, I often experienced anxiety, but that I changed it to an ecstatic state with this method, and that this was the reason I came off as being so "joyous".
In these times, I often got to know people who were suffering from mental problems, including anxiety, too. I always told them the same thing; that they should embrace their "states" instead of fighting them. But they usually reacted very negative, and in fact it often seemed to make them very anrgy.
Now, when looking back, I too must admit that it maybe was not "without danger" to do the thing I did. But it helped me much better than any therapy and - was "the best I could do", given the circumstances.
So, when reflecting on this, I think this different method of facing mental illness, is at least something that is interesting and should be, in one way or the other, further explored.
I also knew about "ritual ecstasy": indigenous people would through methods such as relentless dancing reach an ecstatic high.
Then something eventually dawned on me, and I made the connection.
During my anxiety attacks, I would experience symptoms such as my heartbeat rushing, rising temperature, sweating, and, above all, the feeling I would somehow lose my mind and get detached from reality.
Was that not a state that from the description seemed very close to the experience of ritual ecstasy?
So I decided to no longer fight my anxiety, but let it rise to a maximum level and let it take complete control, of me, let it wash over me.
And, did I experience "ecstasy" this way?
Yes I did. I reached states of complete euphoria, bliss and happiness. Some of my happiest moments in life were during these highjacked "anxiety attacks".
It made me a completely satisfied person.
People I encountered later in life often told me I was "naturally high" or appeared bubbly and optimistic most of the time.
Little did they know that in social situations, or for example when playing at parties, I often experienced anxiety, but that I changed it to an ecstatic state with this method, and that this was the reason I came off as being so "joyous".
In these times, I often got to know people who were suffering from mental problems, including anxiety, too. I always told them the same thing; that they should embrace their "states" instead of fighting them. But they usually reacted very negative, and in fact it often seemed to make them very anrgy.
Now, when looking back, I too must admit that it maybe was not "without danger" to do the thing I did. But it helped me much better than any therapy and - was "the best I could do", given the circumstances.
So, when reflecting on this, I think this different method of facing mental illness, is at least something that is interesting and should be, in one way or the other, further explored.
Life Inside Dreams
When I was 21, I realized that my dreams and my reality do not meet, so I gave up my dreams. 12 years later I realized I had made a mistake; so I gave up my reality to be able to live inside my dreams.
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