NYE Message - change the world, change your lives!

So here's my little message for you, to reign in the new year.
I know a lot of you out there go through a lot of pain right now. I know this, because you have told me - in mails, on messengers, and elsewhere.
Not just having a crisis, but that you are essentially getting emotionally choked to death in this moment. Into the deepest pain and the deepest void imaginable.

Let me tell you, this goes beyond the personal, individual level. The whole world is in a lot of pain right now. It feels like everything is going insane.

Now let me offer you at least a fragment of explanation for these feelings.
The world is changing. On a deep level. And life is, too.
But, people are still fighting this change. And this creates this feeling of pain.
Because people are desperately clinging to things that they are not able to hold on to. And wasting their energy and emotions beyond the point of exhaustion.
Let's give some examples.

People feel depressed and anxious at their workplace. And, indeed, the whole concept of work, attitude related to work etc. is changing right now.
Yet they still walk to their same shitty job every shitty day even though they know it's pointless, their job might disappear in a few years anyway, together with their saving money.
But they still wake themselves up each morning and get out of and bed and walk to a job that's killing them on the inside. For no reason at all.

Or they are stuck in a venomous relationship. They tear each other up, or get torn up. They know nothing changes, and it won't get better. But they still desperately stick to their relationship even though they know it will kill them.

Or they're in a subculture that was lively and exciting in the past, but is populated by numbed zombies and fuckheads now. Still, they don't leave, and change nothing.

Why do people do this? They are afraid of change. They are afraid of something new.
"Better the devil you know", "A new situation could be even worse", and more bullshit sayings like that.

But most importantly, people generally are unable to let go of things. Because, yes, it's true - it's very difficult to let go. It's very hard to start something new. To face a completely new situation.

And finally: Yes, you all are right! What you say is true. When you change something, when you change your life, it could indeed be worse than before. You could fail! You can fail horribly.

But that is not a reason to not at least *try* to change something.

You never have a guarantee for a good outcome in life.
But you should still dive head-first into the unknown.

If you hate your job. Quit it, and try something else.
If you hate your relationship. Quit it, and try something else.
If you hate your subculture. Don't accept it, change it.

That's the only way you will be able to free yourself from the choke-hold.
And this goes for every other area of life as well.

Because, believe me. Things won't get better and easier by themselves.

Remember how hard life already was in 2019?
The pain we went through in 2023 made 2019 pale in comparison, right?
Who can fathom how hard 2024 will be for us... and the years that follow - if we don't fight all of this!

So don't stick to things that torture you. Don't follow your routine every day, every month, every year, when you despite that routine.
Get out of situations that are harmful to, to your soul, to your mind.
Flee, fight, or change this stuff.

Yes, change is scary. Yes, the "unknown" feels frightening and the "pain that you used to" feeds on your illusion of conformity.
And yes, you might even fuck up - at first.

But then get up again, wipe the sweat and blood away, and on to the next round.

I know you can win. I know *we* can win. It's easier than you think.
And when all this is past, you will realize it was much more difficult, and much more painful, to hold on - instead of letting go and moving ahead.

You are a brave, fierce little fighter. Like everyone is, deep in his heart. 

I'm counting on you. I'm counting on all of us.


And now here is little additional advice.
If you really feel too frightened - or too uncertain - to tackle these big changes.
Then start by changing little things first.
Do *some* things that are a total breakaway from your routine, while still maintaining it.
Start looking online for new jobs, while sticking to your old job for a while.
Talk to others about your relationship problems even if you feel unable to get out of it at first.
Maybe this illusion of a safety net will help you, while these "small" things will show you that change is indeed possible, and waiting for you out there.
Apply this to any other area of life that damages you.

Oh, and please don't get the impression that this text is about some self-help, feel-good kind of stuff.
I'm talking about deep, profound, burning, annihilating changes, that transform your life from the ground up - and the world!

Dream Lovers

Low Entropy's Dream Producer Diary

Dreams about love are always an extraordinary type of dream.
I am especially interested in a certain kind of theme: media, books, movies, songs etc. in which lovers are united in their dreams and share true, pure, eternal love - but have never met in real life!
Songs and tracks (from all genres) that express this theme often end up becoming my favorite songs. And are very influential to my own music production.

Here is a list of some of them. They are directly or indirectly related to this theme.

Desire - Black Latex

"It's Like The Whole World Has Gone Mad
I Saw You In A Dream Again
All Dressed In Blue
Crossing The Tide
Burning Like Fire
It's Just Me & You
You're The Sun
I'm The Moon"

Platronic - Dreams

"And even if we both don't speak
Silence is louder than it seems
Cause we're sharing the same thoughts
And we're bearing the same dreams"

Dynoro & Gigi D’Agostino - In My Mind

"And in my mind, in my head
This is where we all came from
The dreams we have, the love we share
This is what we're waiting for"

David Sylvian - Thoroughly Lost To Logic

"When the crazy one came
She placed her finger on my forehead
And pushed on through
I woke up, face on fire
Spitting out diamonds
Thoroughly lost to logic
Craving her madness"

Superpower - By The Fire

"Come with me
By the fire
Feel the flames
Of our desire

[...]

Born in my mind
Born in my mind"

(Could actually be "Burn in my mind"... but I prefer this interpretation)

Gigi D'Agostino - L'Amour Toujours

"I still believe in your eyes
I just don't care what you have done in your life
Baby, I'll always be here by your side
Don't leave me waiting too long, please come by

I still believe in your eyes
There is no choice, I belong to your life
Because I will live to love you someday
You'll be my baby and we'll fly away

And I'll fly with you, 

Every day and every night
I always dream that you are by my side
Oh baby, every day and every night
Well, I said everything's gonna be alright

And I'll fly with you,"

Alan Walker - Faded

"You were the shadow to my light
Did you feel us?
Another star
You fade away
Afraid our aim is out of sight
Wanna see us
Alight

Where are you now?
Where are you now?
Where are you now?
Was it all in my fantasy?
Where are you now?
Were you only imaginary?"

Alle Farben & ILIRA - Fading

All I ever wanted was to find you
Find a love I never knew
I can feel the pain inside me fading
While I'm fading into you

Julee Cruise - The Nightingale

"The nightingale
It said to me
'There is a love
Meant for me'
The nightingale
It flew to me
And told me
That it found my love

He said one day
'I'll meet you'
Our hearts will fly
With the nightingale
The nightingale
He told me
One day
'You will be with me"

Julee Cruise - Into The Night

"Into the night
I cry out
I cry out your name.
Into the night
I search out
I search out your love.
Night so dark
Where are you?
Come back in my heart
So dark
So dark."

Julee Cruise - Mysteries of Love

"Sometimes a wind blows
And you and I float
In love
And kiss forever
In a darkness
And the mysteries of love
Come clear"

Julee Cruise - The Voice of Love

"When, when all the world falls
And when, when you are here
There's a glow just like the stars
I hear a distant voice, listen, listen

I dream, I dream of starlight
I dream, I dream of you
There's a glow just like the sun
I hear a distant voice, listen, listen"

Rank 1 - Airwave

"I feel you
Over the airwaves"

The Cure - Just Like Heaven

"Spinning on that dizzy edge
Kissed her face and kissed her head
Dreamed of all the different ways
I had to make her glow
"Why are you so far away?", she said
"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you?""

Bram Tchaikovsky - Girl Of My Dreams

"She's the girl of my dreams!"

This list will likely be amended over time.
If you know more songs or tracks like this, please let me know!

The Legend of the Zombie Rave - A Doomcore Techno Horror Story written by an AI

Dive into the darkness of underground hardcore techno with "The Legend of the Zombie Rave." This Halloween, the music takes on a supernatural twist, blurring the lines between the living and the dead. Join us for a journey that combines eerie rituals, supernatural forces, and the indomitable spirit of the underground. It's a tale of music, horror, and the thrill of the unknown. Dance to the rhythm of your own heartbeat in this special Halloween short story of "The Hardcore Overdogs."

Credits:
The text was entirely written by ChatGPT ( https://chat.openai.com/ )
The accompanying images were generated using Leonardo.Ai ( https://app.leonardo.ai/ ).
The introduction was also written by ChatGPT ;-)

https://thehardcoreoverdogs.blogspot.com/2023/10/the-legend-of-zombie-rave-doomcore.html



Dream Producer Diary


Low Entropy's Dream Producer Diary

I've always been very interested in dreams, and find the whole topic of dreams and all that is connected to it extremely fascinating.
I got into things like lucid dreaming and like to explore hypnagogic states.
It is often suggested that as an explorer of dreams, it is sensible to keep a dream diary; as that helps tracking and understanding dream progress, as well as making one's own dreams more vivid, interesting, and also meaningful.

As a music producer, dreams had a huge influence on me and my music, and I based whole tracks, and even albums, on dreams.
Not only my own, of course, but also famous dreams from history, or dream sequences in movies, books, or simply dreamy music, and so on, 

While my tracks are often influenced by dreams in a more general way, now and then I get a dream that has a quite direct and drastic impact on a track (or even album!) that I'm producing.
Thus I had the idea to write these down - and start my Dream Producer Diary!

And here it is.

So far, I've written the following parts:
(I write not only about the dreams themselves, but also about how dreams connect to my music production generally.)

1. Moon dream (Dream language recording)

https://lowentropyproducer.blogspot.com/2023/10/low-entropys-music-producer-dream-diary.html

2. Rave Track Dream

https://lowentropyproducer.blogspot.com/2023/10/rave-track-dream.html

3. Production Dream

https://lowentropyproducer.blogspot.com/2023/10/production-dream.html

4. Dream of politics

https://lowentropyproducer.blogspot.com/2023/10/dream-diary-political-dream.html

5. Dreams Album

New album: Cosmic Anarchists - Fight Back!



7 tracks about Hardcore, Love, and Anarchy.
Drawing inspiration from Slowcore, Acid, Dark Ambient, EBM, Krautrock, and many other things.

And here are the lyrics of the tracks:

fight back!

we've taken enough of your shit
we've taken enough of your lies
we've taken enough of your orders
we've taken enough of your madness

we will fight back
we will fight back
we will fight back
we will stand up and fight

we are sick of your rule
we are sick of your chokehold
we are sick of your culture
we are sick of you all

we will fight back
we will fight back
we will fight back
we will stand up and fight

fight
fight
fight
fight




we can win

things seem bleak
things seem without purpose
things seem without hope
things seem without end

but we can win
we can get through this
we can win
we can change the world

all is in disorder
all is lost
everything is crumbling
everything is approaching the end

but we can win
we can get through this
we can win
we can change our lives

change the world
change the world
change the world




no rulers

i don't need someone who tells me what to do
i don't need someone who tells me what to think
i don't need someone who tells me what to believe
i don't need someone who tells me how to act

no rulers
no rulers
no rulers
no rules

i don't need someone who tells me what is right
i don't need someone who tells me what is wrong
i don't need someone who tells me what is allowed
and i don't need someone who tells me what is not

no rulers
no rulers
no rulers
no rules




you are perfect

you don't need to be beautiful
you don't need to be without scars
you don't need to be spotless
you don't need to be without flaws

you are perfect the way you are

it doesn't matter if they call you ugly
it doesn't matter if they call you strange
it doesn't matter if they call you a freak
it doesn't matter if they call you weirdo

just because they don't understand what you truly are

you are perfect




because i love you

nothing is more beautiful in the universe than you
nothing is more amazing
nothing is more wonderful
nothing is more fantastic

because i love you

there is nothing else like you
you are unique, perfect, above it all
a light that shines through the darkness
the sweetest thing of it all

because i love you

to be with you is endless joy
to be with you is redemption
salvation and transcendence
to be with you is things not describable in words at all

because i love you
i love you

The Self

The self is perfect. Without flaw. Without faults.
All seemingly "faults" are just an illusion, in your eyes, in the eyes of others. They don't exist.
Because the self is already perfect, it never needs to change; if it desires to change, then purely for its own pleasures.
It needs to achieve nothing, attain nothing, in order to be perfect, and to stay perfect.
It is infinitely beautiful. Wonderful. Marvelous. Adorable. Lovable.
There is nothing evil about the self; because it is perfect, it is entirely good, true, right.

Those religions that claim to acknowledge the self, but say the self would be a kind of "higher self" that first needs to be found, attained, that one can only became part of through hardships and worship, lie.
The perfect, true self is not something that is hidden far above, or far away. It is *your* self. Your ordinary, everyday self that you know, that you are each day and each time, is already perfect, beautiful, and all the things that were mentioned here before.
In this sense, there is no higher self that you need to attain, because you are already this self. With all your flaws and worries and imperfection and mistakes - for these are just an illusion. You already are perfect. You already are true.

Most people try to split themselves into two parts; one part that they like and one part that they hate. For example, they might like their intellectual capabilities or feelings of confidence or similar things, but hate their anxieties, perceived lack of talent, weakness, emotional flaws and so on.
They have a whole part of themselves that they reject, and would like to split off, and essentially they think: ah, if one day I could get rid of this part of me forever, this part that is flawed, I could be a truly happy person.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
All parts of yourself are perfect. All your supposed flaws and seemingly negative aspects are actually wonderful and perfect, too.

If, one day, you follow this, and learn to accept your "negative" side, too, and fully acknowledge it, you will be whole for once. And then you can see how beautiful your own self really is.

This is the way to embrace your self and see its magnificence, and be truly happy.

All questions will be solved then. All answers will be given then.


To address possible criticism: if you assume you have tendencies in your self that might be extensively harmful to yourself and others if you "put these in reality", then this is of course not the way to go.
Putting things into reality is whole different topic. You would not put all your "positive" aspects into reality either (for example, you might be extremely smart, and think you could doctorate in dozens of fields if you wanted to, even if it's theoretically true, it would be very unlikely you would actually do this, since very sensible way to go, to spend all your energies for many years on such a task which might not lead you anywhere).

This is about embracing your self on a mental, emotional, individual level.

Fake media happiness


There's the complaint that today's media sets "unrealistic standards"; by giving people the idea that everyone could be famous, or rich, or gain excessive beauty, or living a luxury life without having to work; and that that's dangerous, because humans become frustrated when they can't attain these things by themselves.
That's likely true, but I think there is something far more dangerous here: that today's media sets seemingly *realistic* standards of life. What I mean is this: no matter if you go on TV, or youtube, or social media, and so on, there are people who smile, and meet with friends, or are eating in a restaurant, or being at a party / concert / festival, or lying in the grass, or on a beach, having a good time. Proposing to their future partners. Or getting pranked by their friends in a funny way. Buying new stuff / clothes / food, and enjoying themselves. And that can give the false impression that this is how life is. That this is what life is about. That people actually live like that. Having lives like that; with their worst worries being that their jobs suck, they get stuck in a traffic jam, or that an annoying relative comes to visit.

But that's not how most people's lives are. That's not reality. That's not normal.
Normal is that people have severe depression. Crippling anxiety. That people are homeless. Without work and below poverty line. That people are disabled. Terminally sick. Obese, scarred, disfigured, anorexic.
Normal is that people live socially isolated lives. That they have no friends. That they don't go to social events.
Normal is that they get thrown out of their homes. Go to prison. Get institutionalized.

I could go on endlessly here.

Normal is that people do not know how to be able to get through the next year. Or the next week. Or the next day.

This is normalcy. The actual reality. The things "the media doesn't want you to see".

Have you ever wondered why the most popular videos on the internet are always completely mundane and simple things (as i mentioned), like unboxing an item, playing pranks, visiting a park, and so on?

Because the majority of people *wishes* they could live lives of simple joys, events, and mundane stuff, where everyone generally is of good cheer, and friendly and - instead of living a life of suffering, like the rest of us.

And this media "trend" is indeed dangerous. Not only because it makes *real* people feel like they are lesser to those who portray these cheerful, fake, virtual lives.

But also because it conceals the real misery and suffering that exists in the world, and in most people's life.
And if you don't acknowledge it - then you can't fight it, and you can't change it.

But that's exactly what you need to do.

Experimental therapeutic hardcore techno for mitigating severe mental health issues

I discovered Hardcore Techno as a teenager with extreme mental health issues. Listening to this music helped me extremely with these problems. 
I eventually started producing Hardcore myself. And the thought quickly came to me that my own productions could help me with my own problems as well. And they did. Tremendously.

To the point that I would probably be homeless, institutionalized, whatever, maybe worse - without being a Hardcore Techno producer.

Now, over the years, through my involvement in the Hardcore scene, I met lots of people, both in the "real world" and online, who also had severe mental health issues, sometimes better, sometimes worse than me.
And now and then, they told me that listening to the tracks I made for my *own* problems, helped them with *their* problems, too! And that "my" music actually helped them tremendously, and changed their lives to the better.

And I don't say this because 'it feeds my ego'. But because, being told this, I came to the thought that I could try to produce tracks in such a way, that it has a potential effect which aids others who are inflicted with these types of problem. To at least *try* to create something that is at least *partially* a cure. (If you don't think that art and music and hardcore *could* have a "therapeutic" effect... well, then I probably can't convince you of this. But I know that art has this power). And this way, I could do something *good* in this world for a change, and not return to the ashes at the end of my life, having wasted my energies.

This then become one of my biggest motifs when producing Hardcore. I wanted to created art that helps others with their mental health issues.

I always assumed this method is not without dangers. "Unleashing" an experimental art therapy... there are lots of things that could go wrong this way. It's one of the main reasons I tried to keep my music "underground", staying away from major labels and major exposure (and often actively sabotaging their efforts to "pull me out of the shadows" and into the public view).

To soothe my conscience, I always hoped that the music itself acts as the "gatekeeper" and lets the right ones in; i.e. that those who have these issues, yet are still drawn to my music, are drawn to it for the very reason that they feel it helps their condition, and does not worsen it!

(Nowadays, my take is that, yeah, what you do does have consequences. There is no 100% safe way in everything. You just gotta have faith, right? And try to do the best you can do.)


By the way, over time, my music attracted quite some wonderful and extreme "lunatics"... but that's another story!


So, here is a selection of tracks I made with the intention to help people with their mental health problems. (The list will be amended over time, so you can came back later to this post, and check it.)
in the list the specific issue to be cured is mentioned (such as depression, anxiety), next to the name of the track (put out on various releases).


So, handle this with care. I can't guarantee there is a help, aid, or cure in *for you*, maybe it will make your condition worse, or things will start to get strange for you quickly.
Let me tell you: I don't assume this would happen, not at all! But I thought a word of warning might be good.

To come to the conclusion of this text.
I hope I can help some people with these tracks on it in some way.
And regardless of this, I wish you the best, and hope you find some good possibilities to deal with your condition(s).

Oh, and if you think that these tracks, or even other music I produced, actually *did* help you, please contact me. Not only would i love this feedback, but it could also make it easier for me to produce similar tracks in the future. and if you had adverse effects, or bother bizarre things happened, you can contact me too, of course.


The list:

anxiety (i'm cracking up)


angst (there is no future)


depression (nothingness)


psychosis (psychotic break)


schizophrenia (unreal slowcore)


depression (the last moon)


depression (help me master)


repressed rage (nihilism)


burn out (burned out)


heartbreak (until the end)


heartbreak (love)

Mental Hardcore Health Newsletter #2

Mental Hardcore Health Newsletter #2

Today's topic: "There is no sex in Hardcore, or: Hardcore on the streets, zero action in the sheets"

Part 1

It's time to tackle one of the biggest taboos in the "Hardcore scene".
Which is: there is no sex in Hardcore. Or rather: there is very little sex in Hardcore. Or rather:
Many, many people in the Hardcore scene only rarely have sex, or no sex at all.

There might be various reasons for this:

1. Many people in the "scene" live socially isolated lives, alone, or "in their parents' basement", or in a similar situation, with few or zero friends, don't go out, don't go to parties, so it's hard to meet someone.

2. Many people in the scene have heavy mental health problems such as agoraphobia or social phobias, which makes it difficult, too, or they might even have mental health issues that makes it 100% impossible for them to be in a relationship, or to have sex.

3. When you listen to extreme Hardcore Techno, "normal society" usually assumes you're a evil twisted psychopath, sick and deranged. Which does not really "attract" people. If you live in a big urban modern metropolis, maybe you can get by, but if you are outside "western civilization" or in a rural area, being a hardcore head might make you a social outcast (and loner) forever.

4. Asexuality. I don't really like these terms, but obviously a lot of people in the scene are on the so-called asexual spectrum.
Asexuality is a bit more complicated than other "identities". For example, there are asexuals who are crazy for pornography and *fantasize* about 'sexual intercourse' but would never be interested to do 'the act' in reality.
These terms and "sex theories" aside, there are simply lots of people in the scene that are just "not that interested" in sex.

5. Which brings us to this part. Some people just have different or higher priorities than sex.
They might be interested in sex, and would do it, but it's just not very high on their priority list.
Just as some inventors or business-people in the past refrained from having sex in order to be able to fully focus on their tasks and goals, people might want to focus on hardcore and music first - instead of romancing, dating etc.

6. Hardcore appears to incorporate some anti-sex elements. I know some people that are into a promiscuous, fetish, kink lifestyle, with "lots of sex", who told me they rarely had "encounters" or "opportunities" within the hardcore scene or with hardcore people.
It seems that hardcore itself is blocking out sex.

7. And this leads to the final point. Hardcore music itself can be a kind of orgasmic experience that releases sexual energy. And that can be enough for some people.
At least that's been hinted at by a few individuals.

There are of course many more possible explanations, or a combination of these. I just wanted to list some of them.

Part 2

Now let's get more into the "mental health aspect".
Society is kind of torn right now, between some people who are very sex crazy on the one hand (no problem with that) and "incels" and other type of people who "lack" sex, are full of hate, blame women, "minorities", and so on (lots of problems with that!).
This often generates very heated debates (pun intended) and blots out a meaningful discourse.

So let's sober up a bit and talk more sensible about it.

Part 3

And here is the good message (and the message is clear).

It's okay if you don't have a lot of sex. It's okay if you're asexual. It's okay if you are not very much interested in having sex. It's also okay if you would like to have sex but are prevented from it for whatever reason (for example by mental health issues).

You are not a loser because of this, and should not feel like one.
"Sex is nice" but it doesn't define a complete person.
You are just like you are, and this is okay, and you should live like you want to, regardless of what other people think.

All these things mentioned here are still very big societal taboos, and it's time people talk about it more openly.

---End of newsletter

Archive:

lAibyrinth - new project regarding AI, music, techno, and more

Announcing the start of a new project.


Researching and exploring the world of AI, and it's limitless possibilities, especially relating to music, fiction, poetry, and other forms of media.

For example, you can find AI-generated Cyberpunk short stories here, Hardcore Techno poetry, prompts to run a Twin Peaks inspired interactive fiction game, and much, much more.

Associated with the The Hardcore Overdogs e-zine and Omnicore Records.

Maybe don't hate me (part 2 - missed parties)

Sooo... a while ago I made a post out of curiousity, inquiring whether anyone liked my music, becsuse I did not think so, and about some other issues (you can read it here).
I had some very positive replies and lots of support in response (which you can read here).
I want to thank everyone for that.
Times have been weird for me, because all of that is hard to sink in, and it takes time for it to sink in.

For example, there is one thing:
In the last 19 years, I had around 300-400 booking offers. By small parties, medium sized parties, even big parties! Parties in Germany, parties in Europe, parties North America (they would've even bought me a plane ticket to New York!), and other places in the world.
I declined all of these.
Partly because of my mental health problems, but partly (or mostly) because I could not imagine that anyone *really* would be interested in coming to a party or hearing my music.
I thought there must be surely some misunderstanding going on there. Maybe they had a lineup completed, then one of the DJs dropped out, and they were looking for a replacement, and a quick google search led them to me and they thought: "who is that guy?" and then "ah well, we have no choice, the line-up needs to be complete, let's just book him". Or they wanted to do a Doomcore party, and not many people do Doomcore, so google led them to me again, and they thought "ah, damn, well, let's just book him".
Or another possibility, there was a time when I posted a lot on social media, and maybe someone saw this, and didn't realize that I made these posts myself, and thought "hey, people talk a lot about him on social media, let's book him".
In all three cases without knowing me or my music.

I had other thoughts how such "confusion" , that led to people trying to book me, happened.
But anyway, I assumed that once I was there, and got on stage, after 10-15 minutes they would realize they made a mistake, grind their teeth, and be happy when I'm gone.
While they crowd would disappear once I started playing. 
And similar things.
I never assumed that people would *really* want to book me, or that anyone at any party would be interested in my music, or even enjoy it! No use to take the ticket to New York then.

Okay, once again, I am pondering too much on my own music situation, and on my own music.
But to think that I might have missed 300 parties, some of which might have been really, really good, just because I was misinterpreting what was going on - would be a major bummer.

Sonic Anarchy

I never was interested in "just" creating tracks.
The 20th century was the era of sonic exploration, even at the beginning of the century.
Old ideas were challenged or thrown overboard. Composers and musician tried new methods and concepts, and they tried to get away from the old. Almost every "accepted theory" in music was questioned - and rejected.

I was inspired by that "avantgarde tradition". And I tried to experiment with, and explore, music as much as I could. To check out other artists who did the same. To read as much on it as I could find.

But there was also something. Not just rebellion and drift.
I wanted to get to the bottom of music. Try to find out if there is some hidden, important truth, that can be found deep within my favorite tracks and the sonic avantgarde.
I sometimes strayed from that path - but I always got back on it for some reason.

I'm also an anarchist. I often had the idea there is much, much more to anarchism than those who are against it realize. That it's not "just" about ultimate freedom, liberty, uprising, self-organisation and so on (even if these are already very high goals!). Something that is *felt* by most actual anarchists.
Was there a hidden, pure truth - hidden inside anarchy, too?

Over the years, over the decades, something began to dawn on me. I'm not saying that what I communicate is the "ultimate truth" - not even for me. Yet, for me, maybe not for you, it is something that comes very, very close.

So here is what I want to say:

Think about it: What is anarchism? What does anarchy mean?
A lot of people would say anarchism ultimately leads to the concept of "do what you want, as long as it harms no other" - or a similar wording.
I agree. But I think this concept goes beyond, transcends, the mere political, economic, social realm. It extends to the cultural, philosophical, epistemological, "cosmic" realm - and even far beyond that.

"Do what you want, as long as it harms no other"

But not only on a social level. Treat *philosophical truths* in the same way, for example. Discard Plato, Aristotle, Socrates, if you want to. Create your own truth, and walk along with it. As long as you mean no harm.

And this holds true for the sonic realm, too.
Do whatever you want in music. Play the notes you want, use the rhythms you want, sequence everything like you want to. You decide what's right or wrong, what sounds good or bad. You are free, you make the "rules" and "laws" in music, and should free feel to shape them in any way you see fit.

And, I think only if an artist starts this ultimate rebellion and revolution - against any "rule" in music that comes from someone else - something truly epic and important can be created.

Do not let anyone tell you how music *should* sound, how your music should sound, what "rules" there are regarding music production, and which concepts to follow.

This is my little message to you. Become a sonic anarchist. It will be rewarding.


Note: The ideas here are very condensed and may even sound a bit "harmless". But if I had to, and could, write down every thought connected to them, that are not expressed here right now, this would be a massive output. In my opinion, this notion here goes way deeper than it first appears.
I don't claim ownership, of course, or pride - I just wanted to share it.

All the wisdom in one sentence

Over time, I've read various stories and accounts of people (in various cultures, at various points of history) who set upon themselves the task to compress "all the wisdom in the universe (and beyond)" into a single page of text, sentence, a letter, or even just a colon.
I liked this idea, and over time, I 'collected' some short sentences (or a small number of short sentences) that I found at various places, that, to me, explain everything, the universe, the meaning of life, and so on (or at least most of it).
This doesn't imply *I* know everything, or even the meaning of life - just that, to me, these collected sentences represent the things I mentioned.

This list will probably be amended over time.
But here we go:

"Well… There’s a vast network, right? An ocean of possibilities. I like dogs. I used to raise rabbits. I’ve always loved animals. Their nature. How they think. I have seen dogs reason their way out of problems. Watched them think through the trickiest situations." - Freddie Howard, Inland Empire (actually by David Lynch)

"Purity died with the angels of passion" - Gary Numan, Prophecy

"One cold damp evening, the world stood still" - The Chameleons, Second Skin

"You can heal yourself by embracing your own sickness" - Low Entropy

"You can be anything you want to be
Just turn yourself into anything you think that you could ever be
Be free with your tempo, be free, be free
Surrender your ego, be free, be free to yourself" - Queen, Innuendo

"Like every city needs a distance, every sky demands a moon
Every winter needs a snowfall, every summer wants a June
Money's just a piece of paper, gold is blinding, don't you see?
Fame is just our own illusion of what life is meant to be
But I don't need a perfect mirror, I don't care for queens and kings
We are free and we are perfect when Lady Stardust sings" - Lisa Miskovsky, Lady Stardust

"The sky is still blue
The clouds come and go
Yet something is different
Are we falling in love?" - Julee Cruise, Falling

"It's strange what love does" - David Lynch, Ghost of Love

"No better you than the you that you are
No better life than the life we're living" - Alessia Cara, Scars to Your Beautiful

you are perfect or: how to walk to the meaning of life

part 1

all my life, i read a lot of books, texts, information, about such things as philosophy, religion, politics, and more, and tried to explore the topics expressed in these as much as i can.
and also tried to put these things "into action" and did a lot of stuff and experiments in the "real world", too.
and, in my opinion, i came across some interesting things then, and actually ran across some interesting - let's call it "information" instead of truths. (i don't say this to "flatter" myself - but to give a bit of a background to this text)
now, i don't claim to know or understand the meaning of life. or have some knowledge that explains "everything at the end of all things".

but, i can tell you about a concept that might be interesting to you, and i'm certain that it would allow you to attain many of the things you want to attain, and to understand many of the things that you want to understand.
and, maybe, to find your own meaning of life, too.

this idea, concept, "truth" is a bit hard to explain and to write down, though.
so, in order to explain it, i will use some words that i just heard in a movie i watched recently. it actually came off as a bit of a cheap movie, but, in my opinion, the words are useful nonetheless. (i could have used other words to a similar effect, but i chose these ones).

the statement is "our biggest weaknesses are actually our biggest strengths".

and this is very true and right and correct!

everything you consider a weakness about yourself is actually one of your biggest strengths.
everything you consider weak, bad, ugly, unlikable, detestable, rejectable is actually beautiful, wonderful, powerful, bold, glorious and brilliant.

everything you want to get rid of about yourself might save you one day.
everything you want to "fix" about yourself is something that might heal you one day.

you are not broken. you are not flawed. you are not wrong.
you are perfect, beautiful, and one hundred percent right and true the way you are, right here, in this moment.
you don't need to change anything about yourself. you are perfect. you just may not see this in this moment.

embrace your weakness, embrace your flaws.

do you consider yourself ugly, chubby, unattractive? embrace it!
do you consider yourself sad, anxious, depressed? embrace it!

and if you do this, if you embrace and love yourself, one hundred percent, with everything you considered bad and flawed, with everything you considered to be a weakness - you might break out of the prison you confined yourself to.
and you might discover some very interesting things. attain some very interesting goals. and find happiness, joy, ecstasy, of the type that is out of the ordinary.

how would this work out, and why? well, that is a bit harder to explain. but for now, have some good faith and try it. you might be surprised by the result.
and remember: you are beautiful, extraordinary, and perfect. every part of you is.

part 2

what i originally wrote might be a bit "hard to believe" without a real, good explanation. but, these matters are complicated, it's hard to explain, thus i will give no explanation right here. but i will offer some proof, and hope that this "proof" might convince you a bit.

the claim was: your "flaws", "weaknesses", are actually something wonderful and perfect.

"how could this be? it can't be true." you might say. and add "it's irrational and against logic, no one would believe this".
well, are you so sure about that?
let's look at society, history, culture. let's start with crime stories. the great detectives.
how about sherlock holmes?
one of the most brilliant minds ever. goes out of this way to apprehend dangerous criminals, and saved many a life of their innocent victims. is neither motivated by fame nor money.
a shiny, moral hero, right?
but, if you read the books: also an arrogant prick. a weirdo eccentric. narcissist. addicted to cocaine and maybe other substances. borders on sociopath without empathy. puts his life, that of Watson and others at risk. at times uses crime, burglary, blackmail, and other "dark" methods to foil his enemies.
so, what do we make of this? is he actually unlikable because of this?
no. it's actually these "flaws" that made this fictional character such a legend, that made his readers idolize him.
you don't believe this? well, every good writer knew about this concept, or at least emotionally grasped it, and made sure to add major "flaws" to their own fictional crime investigators:
hercule poirot with his inflated ego, and also borderline eccentry, his unhealthy appetite for sweet food and such.
"detective colombo" is a man who runs around in dirty clothes, could need both a shave and a haircut, and ruins his own health with his smoking habits - and is a "major asshole" with the conversation techniques he uses on his suspects (and others) - the whole "just one more thing" schtick and all.
and this is what makes readers and viewers adore these fictional personality.
if it happens that in a book, or movie, a fighter for truth and justice is introduced, who is indeed to close to perfection, without major flaws - always on duty, always moral, always disciplined, always "good" - the audience will inevitably scream: 'unbearable, dull, bland - we hate it'.

and please be sure that this is not some random observation, but a major truth is hidden here - that your own "flaws" are the strongest and most important parts of your personality, too!

you can also look at things in "real life", outside of books, movies and other fiction. 
pop stars, rock stars, actors, celebrities, and other "heroes" of our culture and society had major flaws, dysfunctions, a vital lack of a "normal" personality and behavior. (note: i'm not talking about celebrities here that dabbled in sexism, racism, homophobia. and such things. this is a wholly different matter and and this things should be truly rejected, detested, and punished).

and this is what people love about them! this is what people adore about them. we want no clean, perfect cultural heroes that border on fascism and authoritarianism.
just think of your own favorite music idols (or those you had in your teens) and their flaws, and how much you *adored* these flaws. was your idol shy? a social misfit? maybe they had a scar? whatever flaw they had, i know that this was one of the things you worshiped most about them.

i'll  give you more examples:
being a shy nerd can be considered a flaw. no one likes nerds, right?
now imagine, a new scifi blockbuster is made. and one of the main characters is a shy and nerdy young adult of whatever gender. now, do you supposed that people will go and say, "could have been a great movie. but there was a shy and nerdy person in it".
no, people will flock to the movie and love that character - because, that what is usually considered a weakness, is actually a great strength.

i could continue this list of examples on and on, but i think, by now you get the point.
just ask yourself that questions: if you read books, comics, or watched movies with characters that have such "flaws" such as being shy, being overweight, ugly, anxious, awkward, depressed, being misfits, and you loved them either way, and you loved them *because they had these flaws* - why shouldn't you love yourself too, even if you have similar flaws - why do you not love yourself *because of the 'flaws' you have*?
well. you should!

part 3

now that i provided "proof", i will actually do an attempt at an explanation. a fragmented, prototype explanation.

the idea is that everybody is perfect, infinitely beautiful, good, true, and right.
and, with the knowledge of this, able to attain the most extraordinary things, and to attain feelings of pleasure and serenity beyond one's own imagination.

but, now, there arise social, political, cultural, religious authorities.
and they say: "no no no. people are not perfect. to the contrary, they're all evil, they are all sinners, they're damned to hell."

so, a major religion might say: humans have sensual desires, and this is evil, and they're sinners when they have sensual thought, and they need to fix this and to overcome this in order to be saved!
but, the truth is that sensuality can be a wonderful thing, a pure and beautiful thing. it's not a flaw to have sensual desires, because these sensual desires can be a key to paradise!
so, this human "weakness" is actually a strength.

a political authority might say:
"some humans are not willing to fight in our wars. they're cowards and anxious and betray our patriotism and nationalism! if these people do not change, they will remain flawed, and become social filth."
now, the truth is that war is cruel, unjust and pure hell, and to refuse to go to a foreign country and slay innocent people and their children, that have done you no wrong, does not mean you are a coward. it means you are a hero.

or a cultural authority (like the press, celebrities...) might say:
"humans can only be considered beautiful when the fit to our cultural medial concept of beauty, that is attained by surgery, excessive make up, imagine manipulation, and a self-destructive diet and work out regiment. people who do not look like this and are maybe chubby, have scars, "bad" skin, small breasts, large noses, crooked teeth, are not beautiful, they are flawed and should be societally rejected"
the actual truth is that every human is inherently beautiful, and there is a true beauty to human bodies that are just like human bodies are, without strange surgeries and manipulation, and the media doesn't recognize this.
so, "these ugly flaws" are beautiful strengths, again!

i can give more examples like that. political authorities might say, people are lazy, because they do not want to "work their ass off" to secure the wealth of the rich. or a social authority might say that people should behave "bold and strong" and hide their emotions and not cry or act "weak".
or society, culture and politics as a whole might say that individualism is very dangerous, and every one should fit in to "their group".
all these are "flaws" that are considered dangerous by various authorities. but actually, these are not flaws at all.
they are powerful strengths.

in the whole history of mankind, the various authorities, no matter if of religious, social, political, or other origins, always liked to spread the "idea" that humans are dangerously flawed, and have parts of them that are flawed, broken, damnable.
because then they would need to be fixed. and who is providing the "fix"? the authorities of course! they will say "do you have 'sensual thoughts'? run to your church and confess and pray, and maybe they will go away! and always follow the rules of the church and its leaders."
or they say "is your body 'flawed'? come to us! we offer a lot of products and fixes. they are very expensive and dangerous to your health, but do not worry, because we will take all your flaws away if you follow us!"

that's the whole "selling idea" of authority! 'humans are flawed and evil, and only authority could "fix" people or at least keep their flaws in check, so people should follow and obey authority!'
variations of this "theme" have been repeated by religions, cultures, political organisation through all human history.
but do not believe them. defy authority!

part 4

this was a little attempt at an explanation.
but you might say, that this leaves some of the original claims open to answers:
claims such as that one could get closer to "the meaning of life" by doing this. that one can find interesting insights because of this. and achieve wondrous things because of this.

yes, i indeed think a lot of good things will happen if you follow this way.
because, essentially, if you think you are "flawed", if you worry about your weaknesses, and especially, if you constantly try hard to "fix" and change yourself, you are constantly and permanently blocking all your creativity, abilities, strength, energy - you are blocking yourself, your true self. you are are standing in your own way, cant move forward, and can't move anywhere.
and this forever keeps you from unleashing your true potential, and from doing and achieving the marvelous things you can achieve, and from feeling the emotions and joy that you can potentially feel.
do not do this!

you keep yourself busy by trying to block or get rid of your flaws, but you can't, because no matter how hard you fight, they always come back. since they are "hardwired" to you and your personality, because they should not go away, since they are actually - pure strength.
and by fighting this fight, you are wasting all your energy, can't do anything meaningful anymore, and end up feeling miserable.

and you not only throw all your energy away. you are blocking things which you consider "flaws" that in true reality are strengths, talents, abilities, intuition, untapped resources of meaning, brilliance and creativity.
so your true talent and potential never comes through.

it's more complex than that - all parts and things i mentioned here are way more complex than that, and these ideas could fill whole libraries, in my opinion. but we will leave it this way for now. i hope these sentences, however fragmentary and "shortened" they are, inspired you in some way; and feel free to explore these themes further. and i hope you can accept yourself as you are, and see how beautiful you truly are, in every aspect of yourself, your mind, your body, and everything else about you.

so, to come to a summary to all of this:

my idea is that the meaning of life more or less is to *just be who you are*. do not try to fix yourself. you are not broken.
and if you be who you are, your own, real, beautiful true self, then everything else will follow. very wonderful things will follow. i truly believe that. 

Hate Me

I always assumed that everyone hates me. Well, not for personal reasons, not "specifically" me, but because humans generally hate humans (just look at the news - they constantly fight and kill each other), and because humans especially hate people with "artistic inspirations" (as they usually got locked up, burned at the stake, etc. throughout human history).
And, yes, also for personal reasons, and specifically me, because even as a child I seemed to aggravate a lot of people, and it only went worse as I got older.
Now, this generates a kind of paradox situation, because, I'm a musician, and now and then it appears as if some people actually *do* like my music.
I always have a good explanation for that, for example: "people seemed to like my speedcore music back in the day, *but* the real reason was: at that time there were lots and lots of people who were hungry for speedcore, but only very few producers who actually did speedcore; so people had to listen to what was available, and my tracks were available, so they listened to them. but they didn't like *my* music, they just wanted to listen to something with a fast beat."
Or "people seem to like my doomcore stuff. But the reason for this that there are few producers who still do doomcore with oldschool-type percussion, beats, etc. So, among other things, they listen to my stuff, but only because there is few other stuff available".
But now, as we live in strange times, with strange thoughts all around, I began to ponder about a lot of things, in the last years.
And one of those thoughts was: "what if someone genuinely liked one of those tracks I did?"
Now you might say: "dude, stop pondering about these things. you'll get lost in your thoughts".
Yeah, maybe you're right. But, the thing is, this would have quite drastic implications on my music and my life.
For example: as I mentioned somewhere already, I don't perform or DJ at parties because of some (mental) health issues. But another reason why I don't appear at parties is: I assume noone would be interested to hear me play anyway, or I would get quickly booed or chased "off stage" or something like that.

Now, if it turns out this is "not true", and that I sat alone at home for all these years and missed many good parties, just because of a "false assumption", then I'd probably eat up my shirt in frustration.

Also, one of the main motors for me to produce and upload music is out of spite; "I won't let other people's hate silence me, I will go on, damn the consequences", etc.
Without thinking that anyone would like the tracks that I produce, or any other "positive" consequence coming from producing music.
And, over the years, doing this can lead to a very nihilist and self-destructive attitude, that spills over into other areas of life, and gets very problematic at times.
But, if some tracks were actually liked by some people... 
I wonder how that'd change my production and general attitude towards music.

But, I know what you'll say: "you're on a complete ego-trip here. talking about 'your music' and whether anyone 'likes it' it. who the fuck cares about this? Do you think you and your 'sound' are anything special? Eat shit and die!"

And yeah, you're probably right. In the end it would likely not change anything. But it's tempting to ponder about these things - even if pondering is pointless. And it's better not to get too lost in one's own thoughts, true.
But this is my little confession here. Of some of these own thoughts.

Stand Up And Fight - Now!

The state of the world is getting worse and worse, and I know for a lot of you, problems have been piling up in your own life, too.
Maybe money problems, problems related to work, family, relationships, physical health issues, or mental health problems, and much more.
Now this has been going on for some time, and for most people, the solution to this was: to try to cope with it as best as one can, to go to the maximum of one's strength to, for example, keep that job, to keep the family intact, to deal with one's mental health issues, to find some way to still gain enough money to get by, and so on.
In other words: to comply, to adapt, to conform, to deny oneself and one's wishes and desires and one's nature, to obey.
And these people decided not to rebel, not to break away from society, not to start a revolution.

Now, what is becoming more and more obvious, essentially on a weekly basis, is that this path of conformism is a path to certain doom and ruin.

For example, money is getting more and more tight, things get more and more expensive, there are more and more shortages of goods and so on... maybe, until now, by getting a 2nd or 3rd job, and selling a lot of your stuff, or other ways, you managed to still have enough money to buy food and pay rent and maybe some luxuries... but if that trend continues, will you still be able to do so in 1 year, or maybe even 1 month?
As I said, most people are already at maximum strain trying to cope with their multitude of problems, and if the state of the world keeps getting worse and worse, and these people still do not rebel - they will simply perish.
Society and everything is obviously breaking down. So the idea you could just live life "like you used to", with your job, and your comfortable home, your shopping, parties and luxuries and so on, is nonsense, because all this will go away shortly.
Your old life is an illusion of the past and will soon cease to exist.

So what is the solution? What is the other way? What can you do, instead of trying to be obedient?
Well, you need to get up and fight now, because very soon, it might be too late.
We need to overthrow society and fix the things that are wrong, before these very problems will destroy all of us.

Now, there might be two objections:

1. Some people might say: "There is a risk in rebellion, especially in societal rebellion. It might be safer for me in the end if I continue to adapt and conform, because maybe the current crises in the world are just short term things, maybe in 2-3 months everything will be fixed, and then everything will be fine, and I can finally return to my 'old life'"
Well, do you really believe that? That things will not get worse, but instead, by some big blue miracle coming from the sky, everything gets fixed and solved suddenly?
No, we must fix the situation by our own actions, not by hoping for some miraculous deliverance from "above".

2. "Things are going to go to shit anyway, we can neither stop or change it, thus it would be useless to resist and fight".
Well, if you believe that, that our "fate" is already written, and everything is pointless, then why do you even keep going to work or do other things to maintain a normal life? If you believe that "doom is near, and certain", why don't you, for example, withdraw all money from your account and spent your final days with partying or on booze?

Now there might be more objections, but all these are fake in one way or the other, because the real reason people talk and think this way is that they are trained to be obedient, to the point of thinking that obedience must be maintained at any cost, even in the face of disaster, and is always the best mode of action.
This trained behavior can be found in many areas and aspects of life and society. I will give one example from school:
some kids in your class did some shit and were caught, maybe you were involved in it, too, now all hell's breaking loose, and you think, to escape the wrath of the teacher and adults, it is best to stay put, to play being complacent, and maybe they will give you another chance then, and you might just get through this situation - while if you'd act defiant, your problems would multiply.
There are more examples of behavior and thoughts like this from other sectors of society.

But, in the current world situation, being complacent, and just trying to keep on living your own little life and staying away from acts of defiance, will get you nowhere, and lead to your certain death - or a worse fate.

So - what is to be done?
Start to rebel! Stop being an obedient slave to society, to authorities, to norms... resist, get active, stand up. Change your life, change society, change the world!
How is this to be done?
Well, there are probably many problems in your life, and the world, that you are clearly aware of, that you could try to change.
You gotta start somewhere. You don't have to succeed at the first try. You don't have to have the perfect plan everything. Just resist.
"Stray from the course". Do something. The first step leads to other, bigger steps. And things gain momentum, and get more clear, as you go on. It's not as hard as you think. It's not as confusing as you think. Just resist. Start to fight!
Before it is too late.
You have the right to resist. You have the right to demand things, to follow your own self and to stand up for what you believe in.
Because you, me, everyone else - we can win!