My Doomcore Project Winter 2011-2013

the first part of my doomcore project is over. i call the music i do now "post-doomcore" or other terms, even though it might still be considered doomcore. but this is another thing. the point is that there is something that has a definite quality to this first part of my doomcore projects. most of my life i've been struggling against a tendency inside of myself. this is, to just say "fuck it", to everything. i mean, not any concrete, real sense - not to go to live in the woods or anything similiar. but just to give up hope to any ideal, utopia, believe in a sense to society, to think that there is any thing that could give one rest and peace in this world.
as, i said, i was struggling against it. related to my real life, that means i always wanted to give up doing music. what was the point to it? could i really change the world? had the music really a deep impact on anyones life? i thought - no. of course, just "getting known" or "getting gigs" was never a point to my music. i'd have done pop music if i wanted these aims. so, even in a time when my music landed on vinyls and i had plenty of booking, i was always on the verge of calling it all quits and never create music again. or rather, especially during this time. but, i was struggling. over the years, though, i realised that this feeling, this tendency, stayed with me. and i realised, that if it stayed, it must have been a part of me, or at least somehow related to a part of me. as you can never fight yourself, or any part of yourself, i knew, and was sure, that i finally had to give in, let myself get dragged in this dark deep whirlpool of water. to lose all hope, all ideals, all pleasure, that went beyond the "everyday experience" of TV shows or a hot coffee or whatever. any belief in something higher, higher joy. i decided that my music was to be a journal to this downward journey. just in case, be remained that this was a wholly, what some might say, "philosophical" journey. i never intended to let any of this darkness spread to my real life or surroundings or social life etc. as music was never part of my real life.
so i wrote tracks, and tried to put these feelings of despair and desperation into them.
and, what should i say, it was worth it. at the end of it, i was refreshed with more energy and hope and pleasure in small and big things than before. now, the doomcore tracks of that period of my life are still there. i don't think i can continue with them, and have made more joyful music lately. in fact, listening to them and be reminded of the despair, frightens me a little. but really, in the end all in life is a fun trip, so maybe someone else can find pleasure in them. maybe this detour was not necessary, or maybe i couldn't make the music i do now with this past experience. now i want to try to make something different.