lately, other artists have posted about their mental or personal problems and their past, so i thought i should do it to.
hardcore literally saved my life.
when i was a kid, i was subjected to bullying. there was a group of other kids that brought knives and other weapons to school. one of their favorite things was to stage "fake executions" with me. for example, they would corner me, and then approach with the knife and make a motion as if they would stab me, and just stop short of my body.
they also beat me, kicked me and strangled me. when they didn't have any weapon, they threatened to just beat my to death or beat me to a cripple.
of course, i was aware that this might as well be hollow threats, trying to impress their peers with that kind of talk and behavior. but to me, they were psycho enough to actually do these things. also they encouraged each other when doing these kind of things, and i feared one of them would snap and turn that threat into reality. and there could just be an accident; the kid wants to fake stab me, but accidentally stabs me for real.
now, i was not very tough as a kid. i was more a nerdy person. so this was really a problem for me. i developed mortal fear and anxiety. and the anxiety started to spill into other areas of life too, not just school.
and i didn't know what to do or how to solve that situation. this is when hardcore entered my life. when listening to tracks like Extreme Terror and other speedcore, it seemed to me that music had that same sensation of "mortal terror" that i experienced at school, but in a lesser degree.
it allowed me to get into a controlled situation regarding that fear. i could listen to hardcore and get used to these feeling and just stop it at will by turning off the CD player. this way, i slowly got used to my anxiety problem and and learned to deal with it, and learned to handle it.
hardcore generally toughened me and got me more self-esteem and control and slowly taught me to take on these problems.
so, in the end, i owe a lot to hardcore.
Anarchism And Change
there was almost a decade where i didn't believe in anarchism and radical change; it only came fully back in 2014. i used to be ashamed of this period, as of course others were still fighting and being active, and i considered it to be kinda egoistical, maybe bourgeous, that i did not see any merit in this for that time. after all, who am i to decide what is right or wrong.
but in the i think for me it was a necessary transition; because there was a huge flaw in anarchism and anarchist theory as it existed in the 20th and 19th century; which is that it is materialist and not idealist. only idealist anarchism can lead to truly positive change.
anyone who follows down the road of materialist anarchism is in the danger of facing disaster.
to get back to my story, it was the right choice for me to break with materialism and join idealism.
and i can only appeal to others who seek radical change to turn to idealism too.
but in the i think for me it was a necessary transition; because there was a huge flaw in anarchism and anarchist theory as it existed in the 20th and 19th century; which is that it is materialist and not idealist. only idealist anarchism can lead to truly positive change.
anyone who follows down the road of materialist anarchism is in the danger of facing disaster.
to get back to my story, it was the right choice for me to break with materialism and join idealism.
and i can only appeal to others who seek radical change to turn to idealism too.
The World And Ideals
when one starts to question the world, one objects to very specific things at the beginning usually; maybe the government; or big business; or organized religion.
then, as one goes on, one realizes it's more complicated than that.
the workers are oppressed, yes; but they often don't come across as being the heroic fighters that people like marx painted them; when giving the chance to join a complacent bourgeois life, with luxury and comfort, and money, they're eager to give up the struggle quickly.
or the anarchist groups you admired are not as idealistic as you first thought; ridden by in-fighting and failure and narcissism.
this is when things get complicated quickly, as you realize there are more and more things in the world you should object.
this is when people usually give up. they think, if you go on, you can't see anymore what or against you are fighting for as everything seems to connected to bad things and this evil spreads through all of society.
so they stop the fighting and join in to normal life with less lofty and far-stretched goals.
because, it would be a fallacy, to try to fight a problem as large as this one, wouldn't it be?
but that is wrong. they stop just before realizing an important truth. it is indeed not just the government or big business that is evil. and it's not almost the whole of society. it's the whole of society. it's the whole of the world that is evil.
let me further define this here. it's not that there is some evil that for some reason extends to the whole of the world. the evil is not "in" the world. the evil *is* the world. the world is rotten to the core. there is something in the very nature of the world that is corrupted, corruption, and corrupting everything.
let me give an example. we all know the anarchists, or the hippies, or the punks, had revolutionary ideas, ideas of a better world and justice and peace and equality. and they tried to put these ideals out into the world and change the world.
and in a sense they all failed. this is why people think: there must be something wrong with these ideals and thoughts and theories they had. because they didn't work in the real world.
but this is wrong! the ideals, the theories, were all correct, pure, just and beautiful. but by putting these ideas into the 'real world', by trying to 'realize these theories and ideals' they ended up corrupting everything and themselves, because the world corrupts everything that gets put in it.
the ideas stayed grand and correct and right and true; just the world stayed corrupt because it will always stay corrupt.
so is there no solution? there is one. become an idealist, stay an idealist. leave the world aside. further your ideals and great thoughts and poetry and dreams. don't let yourself be corrupted by the world. keep your focus on the ideals.
then, as one goes on, one realizes it's more complicated than that.
the workers are oppressed, yes; but they often don't come across as being the heroic fighters that people like marx painted them; when giving the chance to join a complacent bourgeois life, with luxury and comfort, and money, they're eager to give up the struggle quickly.
or the anarchist groups you admired are not as idealistic as you first thought; ridden by in-fighting and failure and narcissism.
this is when things get complicated quickly, as you realize there are more and more things in the world you should object.
this is when people usually give up. they think, if you go on, you can't see anymore what or against you are fighting for as everything seems to connected to bad things and this evil spreads through all of society.
so they stop the fighting and join in to normal life with less lofty and far-stretched goals.
because, it would be a fallacy, to try to fight a problem as large as this one, wouldn't it be?
but that is wrong. they stop just before realizing an important truth. it is indeed not just the government or big business that is evil. and it's not almost the whole of society. it's the whole of society. it's the whole of the world that is evil.
let me further define this here. it's not that there is some evil that for some reason extends to the whole of the world. the evil is not "in" the world. the evil *is* the world. the world is rotten to the core. there is something in the very nature of the world that is corrupted, corruption, and corrupting everything.
let me give an example. we all know the anarchists, or the hippies, or the punks, had revolutionary ideas, ideas of a better world and justice and peace and equality. and they tried to put these ideals out into the world and change the world.
and in a sense they all failed. this is why people think: there must be something wrong with these ideals and thoughts and theories they had. because they didn't work in the real world.
but this is wrong! the ideals, the theories, were all correct, pure, just and beautiful. but by putting these ideas into the 'real world', by trying to 'realize these theories and ideals' they ended up corrupting everything and themselves, because the world corrupts everything that gets put in it.
the ideas stayed grand and correct and right and true; just the world stayed corrupt because it will always stay corrupt.
so is there no solution? there is one. become an idealist, stay an idealist. leave the world aside. further your ideals and great thoughts and poetry and dreams. don't let yourself be corrupted by the world. keep your focus on the ideals.
Interpretation Of The First Three Stanzas Of "Ode" By Arthur O'Shaughnessy
'We are the music makers,'
there is a literal meaning to it; as the text is about artists, those who create music - musicians - are included too. but i think there is also a second meaning. remember sayings like "the music stopped for him". not literal music, but the music that gets and keeps things going. and this is what artists, poets also create.
'And we are the dreamers of dreams,'
i see three meanings here. poets and artists do dream a lot and dreams are a source for their art. but they also create dreams in and by their works; they are the ones who are 'doing it'; they dream those dreams.
but there is also a kind of super aspect. *the* dreamers of dreams. dreams of dreams. not just ordinary dreamers but those who are the source of dreams, the creators of the stuff the populace dreams about then.
'Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
And sitting by desolate streams;—'
that's where you find poets and artist.
'World-losers and world-forsakers,
On whom the pale moon gleams:'
some have turned to art because they lost the world; they lost their families their social standing or economic positions. others have chosen to reject these by choice and became artists. but whatever way they walked, they are not part of the world, of everyday life anymore.
'Yet we are the movers and shakers
Of the world for ever, it seems.'
but even though that as persons they are not part of the world, the poets and artists are the ones that keep the world turning and changing.
'With wonderful deathless ditties
We build up the world's great cities,
And out of a fabulous story
We fashion an empire's glory:
One man with a dream, at pleasure,
Shall go forth and conquer a crown;'
cities, empires, cultures, civilizations were not built by economists or rulers or kings and princes; they were fashioned after an ideal, a dream, a vision a belief; and it's the poets and artists that create these ideas and beliefs.
'And three with a new song's measure
Can trample a kingdom down.'
and it's also the artists who can take the idea away again, and the empires will be bound to sink below again.
'We, in the ages lying
In the buried past of the earth,
Built Nineveh with our sighing,
And Babel itself in our mirth;
And o'erthrew them with prophesying
To the old of the new world's worth;'
a repetition of the abovementioned idea. the artists fashion ideals after which empires rise; but when that ideal wanes; new ones will be created and a new empire will come to life on the ashes of the old.
'For each age is a dream that is dying,
Or one that is coming to birth.'
again, an age, a civilization, a period, is not shaped on an economical basis or on societal power or on money or military or the ruling glass; it follows an ideal, first written down by poets and artists; and when the understanding of this ideal becomes imperfect, a civilization falls; and a new ideal can rise.
the artists are the ones that write down the dreams; the dreams that the world follows.
there is a literal meaning to it; as the text is about artists, those who create music - musicians - are included too. but i think there is also a second meaning. remember sayings like "the music stopped for him". not literal music, but the music that gets and keeps things going. and this is what artists, poets also create.
'And we are the dreamers of dreams,'
i see three meanings here. poets and artists do dream a lot and dreams are a source for their art. but they also create dreams in and by their works; they are the ones who are 'doing it'; they dream those dreams.
but there is also a kind of super aspect. *the* dreamers of dreams. dreams of dreams. not just ordinary dreamers but those who are the source of dreams, the creators of the stuff the populace dreams about then.
'Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
And sitting by desolate streams;—'
that's where you find poets and artist.
'World-losers and world-forsakers,
On whom the pale moon gleams:'
some have turned to art because they lost the world; they lost their families their social standing or economic positions. others have chosen to reject these by choice and became artists. but whatever way they walked, they are not part of the world, of everyday life anymore.
'Yet we are the movers and shakers
Of the world for ever, it seems.'
but even though that as persons they are not part of the world, the poets and artists are the ones that keep the world turning and changing.
'With wonderful deathless ditties
We build up the world's great cities,
And out of a fabulous story
We fashion an empire's glory:
One man with a dream, at pleasure,
Shall go forth and conquer a crown;'
cities, empires, cultures, civilizations were not built by economists or rulers or kings and princes; they were fashioned after an ideal, a dream, a vision a belief; and it's the poets and artists that create these ideas and beliefs.
'And three with a new song's measure
Can trample a kingdom down.'
and it's also the artists who can take the idea away again, and the empires will be bound to sink below again.
'We, in the ages lying
In the buried past of the earth,
Built Nineveh with our sighing,
And Babel itself in our mirth;
And o'erthrew them with prophesying
To the old of the new world's worth;'
a repetition of the abovementioned idea. the artists fashion ideals after which empires rise; but when that ideal wanes; new ones will be created and a new empire will come to life on the ashes of the old.
'For each age is a dream that is dying,
Or one that is coming to birth.'
again, an age, a civilization, a period, is not shaped on an economical basis or on societal power or on money or military or the ruling glass; it follows an ideal, first written down by poets and artists; and when the understanding of this ideal becomes imperfect, a civilization falls; and a new ideal can rise.
the artists are the ones that write down the dreams; the dreams that the world follows.
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