I talked about my mental health problems that made me temporarily quit Hardcore before. But I want to get into more detail.
When the Experimental Hardcore scene collapsed somewhen after the year 2000, I fell into a deep hole of depression. The thing that I spent most of my energy, creativity, thoughts on was no longer there. And I felt no hope or chance to escape this hole. At the same time I discovered the writings of Wilhelm Reich. He talked about the futility of the human world and how it's impossible for humans to attain something true and meaningful because of their "nature". I felt connected to that. Wasn't this the very reason the Experimental and political Hardcore scene collapsed? Maybe, if I got more into the teachings of Reich, I could find a solution after all... That's what I thought. But Reich also had esoteric, spiritual, occult ideas. At first I rejected them. I was always a rationalist after all. But eventually they started to grow on me. Remember that I was in a depressed and pretty desperate state of mind. These ideas at least provided some (false) truth and solace... That's what I felt. Eventually I became a convert to Reich. I started to believe in the esoteric and occult. I started to read more and about related topics. Satanism interested me. I put the 13 statements of Satanist faith of the Satanic Bible on the wall of my bedroom. I tried to conjure up demons.
In his later life, Reich claimed he invented a "Cloudbuster" that would communicate with atmospheric energy. I got to know there was a movement related to this, that claimed they would fight "Chemtrails" with Reichian "Chembusters". It's strange to look back at it, but I really believed that back then. Remember my frail state of mind in that time. So I joined this group and built a "Chembuster" and set up Chembusters for friends too. This was the time my mind deteriorated way more, and I felt myself threatened by negative forces and demons. I was doing "astral projection" where you imagine yourself to travel out of your body, and in one of these imagined sequences a creature ripped me out of my body and sent me straight to hell, where I was burned by black fire. Now I know this was just imagined but in that moment I believed it to be real! I never was so scared in my life. The problem with the feeling of being followed got out of hand. This was fucked up, but actually just a tiny part of the disaster that followed.
I searched for help online - but not for therapists, but spiritual help. I eventually got into contact with a Christian sect that called itself the Lorberians - after their prophet, Jakob Lorber. The guy I was in contact with tried to convince me what was happening with me was not just my imagination but very real and that I was going straight to hell - unless I did an exorcism they he and apparently Jakob Lorber had laid out. He told me about a book he had written which was exactly for "cases" like mine. Basically it was about doing strange ritualistic prayers all day and all week, and staying away from anything "satanic" which to him included most music, TV, books and other media. It's strange to write that I really followed this, but, as I said, I was "out of mind". I prayed and prayed and did what I was told. In the beginning, I indeed felt better - but then much worse. I started to neglect all other things in life to focus on "my exorcism". This got to the point where I even neglected eating, drinking and sleeping. I started to lose weight, and the situation slowly became life-threatening. This was when my family intervened and saved me, and I finally got into therapy.
It is indeed weird to write all this down. That I believed all these strange things. The only explanation I might provide is that I was in a fragile situation where I was open to such ideas - and that it at first happened "step by step" before I really got pulled in.
This is what happened to me. It wrecked up my life for good, and I still struggle to live a "normal" life. But I hope one day I can say that I left all this behind.
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