There are many reasons why I don't play live gigs in the moment. One is the following. When I discovered Hardcore in 1996 until 2000, I went to the record stores, parties, parades, I produced music on my own. But I was not really part of the scene. I didn't organise parties. I didn't play live or as a DJ. Me and very few friends heard the music I produced on my own every weekend night. It was not put out on vinyl EPs or LPs.
Then, in 2000, I ventured straight into the scene. The first 12" was released, I played gigs, did a radio show, zine, tapes, CD-R label, I played Nordcore, and Tresor and and and... and I can't deny this gave me great pleasure - the happiest I've been in my life. But it also destroyed me. It ate me up from the inside. Was pulling on my heart, soul and mind. The truth is my life was better when I was still "alone".
The years when I discovered Hardcore, before I ventured out into the scene, everything in my life was going uphill. Afterwards, everything went downhill. And it nearly destroyed me for good and for real and almost ended my life - I wrote about that chain of events in other posts already.
So, for my own protection, I need to draw the line somewhere, to cut things off a bit. And this is why I don't play at parties physically in the moment.
Of course, I realise I can't hide forever. Eventually I have to venture out into the "real world" with my music again... maybe sometime soon...
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