29.08.2020
I dreamt that, similar to Dante's Divine Comedy, a guide was showing me the various levels of hell and heaven. As I reached the "uppermost heaven" and the area of "god", I was told there was actually another secret level above it, the level that contains "the secret of pure love". As I went there, it was a dome with a butterfly (with red, purple and other colors) at the center of it. As I looked at the butterfly, it began to transform. Then I woke up.
Analogue Equipment, Trackers, Modern DAWs, Hardcore
Did the switch to modern DAWs kill Hardcore? Was the sound better on analogue equipment and old tracker software? A while ago I listened to some Hardcore from the turn of the millenium, I period where I didn't like most releases very much; and I noted that in concept and structure, the tracks were not so much different from 1993 or 1994... but the sounds! The kicks gave me nothing, and the rest of the sounds didn't push me either... I also remembered a VERY veteran producer, who said with old analogue equipment you almost instantly had a good sound, while that's much harder to pull off with a new DAW... obviously there are s lot of producers with modern DAWs whose output I adore... but maybe that's the point, you need to work really hard with these DAWs to get something good out if, while it was much easier on old equipment.
Total Anxiety
I've been suffering from anxiety since my childhood. Now, most people who have anxiety will say the same thing: when they have a panic attack, they feel the fear coming, and they feel it rising, until it becomes unbearable, but then they will also be afraid that the fear keeps on rising and rising until it becomes nearly infinite, and be afraid that they then lose control and lose their mind because of the fear.
I had similar experiences with panic attacks. But when I was a teenager, influenced by my new found nihilism via Hardcore Techno, and my natural curiousity, I had a new idea: what would actually happen *if* my anxiety goes to "infinite"? How would that feel like? How does it feel to lose control and to lose one's mind? What is there to be found - beyond "sanity"? What kind of mental state is it?
Eventually, my curiousity got the better of me. So the next time I had a panic attack, I completely surrendered to my anxiety and let the fear totally sweep over me, and just let it rise and rise. Do you want to know what happened then?
Well - I won't tell you, because if I did, you'd think I'm "batshit insane" (which I am). Let's just say these experiences are the foundation for every track I produced since then.
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