29.08.2020
I dreamt that, similar to Dante's Divine Comedy, a guide was showing me the various levels of hell and heaven. As I reached the "uppermost heaven" and the area of "god", I was told there was actually another secret level above it, the level that contains "the secret of pure love". As I went there, it was a dome with a butterfly (with red, purple and other colors) at the center of it. As I looked at the butterfly, it began to transform. Then I woke up.
Analogue Equipment, Trackers, Modern DAWs, Hardcore
Did the switch to modern DAWs kill Hardcore? Was the sound better on analogue equipment and old tracker software? A while ago I listened to some Hardcore from the turn of the millenium, I period where I didn't like most releases very much; and I noted that in concept and structure, the tracks were not so much different from 1993 or 1994... but the sounds! The kicks gave me nothing, and the rest of the sounds didn't push me either... I also remembered a VERY veteran producer, who said with old analogue equipment you almost instantly had a good sound, while that's much harder to pull off with a new DAW... obviously there are s lot of producers with modern DAWs whose output I adore... but maybe that's the point, you need to work really hard with these DAWs to get something good out if, while it was much easier on old equipment.
Total Anxiety
I've been suffering from anxiety since my childhood. Now, most people who have anxiety will say the same thing: when they have a panic attack, they feel the fear coming, and they feel it rising, until it becomes unbearable, but then they will also be afraid that the fear keeps on rising and rising until it becomes nearly infinite, and be afraid that they then lose control and lose their mind because of the fear.
I had similar experiences with panic attacks. But when I was a teenager, influenced by my new found nihilism via Hardcore Techno, and my natural curiousity, I had a new idea: what would actually happen *if* my anxiety goes to "infinite"? How would that feel like? How does it feel to lose control and to lose one's mind? What is there to be found - beyond "sanity"? What kind of mental state is it?
Eventually, my curiousity got the better of me. So the next time I had a panic attack, I completely surrendered to my anxiety and let the fear totally sweep over me, and just let it rise and rise. Do you want to know what happened then?
Well - I won't tell you, because if I did, you'd think I'm "batshit insane" (which I am). Let's just say these experiences are the foundation for every track I produced since then.
The Subtle Anti-Sex Sentiment In Hardcore
What I always found interesting is that there is a kind of anti-sex sentiment in Hardcore and Gabber.
It might not be so obvious with the mass amount of "Porno Rap" etc. sampled Hardcore, but it is definitely there.
Take for example the classic Gabber track "Love Really Sucks" by the Stunned Guys with its vocals "Being in love really sucks[...]Babies cost a lot of money, please don't make me fuck you, honey!" - portraying a motion of 'go away with your love, sex, I'm listening to Hardcore, I don't need that crap'. Similarily, a note in the booklet of the first Terrordrome compilation - "He said that he loved me, but after listening to Terrordrome, I told him to get fucked." - again: 'I don't need your love and sex, let me mind my own business".
Apart from these - possibly very subtle - hints, let's face it, a lot people who listen to and produce these sounds "don't get sex very often" - to say the least. Party fueled by the fact that most girls/boys are not very inclined to "date" Psychotic Speedcore Freaks, Bipolar Breakcore Weirdos or Depressed Doomcore Heads. So this anti-sex thing is there. It seems many people in these scenes often are above - "sex".
In my mind, this connects to a line from the very good and surreal movie 'Naked Lunch'. "I'm on 'Bug Powder' - I don't need to come". Bug powder in that movie is a reference to Heroin, and the motion that is transported here is that Heroin is sweeter than sex. As the movie is about a person who did a lot of Heroin, it's likely he speaks from "experience".
Couldn't the line be used and amended for Hardcore?
"We listen to this sound - we have no need for romantic affection."
It might not be so obvious with the mass amount of "Porno Rap" etc. sampled Hardcore, but it is definitely there.
Take for example the classic Gabber track "Love Really Sucks" by the Stunned Guys with its vocals "Being in love really sucks[...]Babies cost a lot of money, please don't make me fuck you, honey!" - portraying a motion of 'go away with your love, sex, I'm listening to Hardcore, I don't need that crap'. Similarily, a note in the booklet of the first Terrordrome compilation - "He said that he loved me, but after listening to Terrordrome, I told him to get fucked." - again: 'I don't need your love and sex, let me mind my own business".
Apart from these - possibly very subtle - hints, let's face it, a lot people who listen to and produce these sounds "don't get sex very often" - to say the least. Party fueled by the fact that most girls/boys are not very inclined to "date" Psychotic Speedcore Freaks, Bipolar Breakcore Weirdos or Depressed Doomcore Heads. So this anti-sex thing is there. It seems many people in these scenes often are above - "sex".
In my mind, this connects to a line from the very good and surreal movie 'Naked Lunch'. "I'm on 'Bug Powder' - I don't need to come". Bug powder in that movie is a reference to Heroin, and the motion that is transported here is that Heroin is sweeter than sex. As the movie is about a person who did a lot of Heroin, it's likely he speaks from "experience".
Couldn't the line be used and amended for Hardcore?
"We listen to this sound - we have no need for romantic affection."
Psychonaut Music Producer
One of my reviewers wrote that "Low Entropy is likely a psychotic cosmonaut in disguise who records the ominous frequencies of subspace and plays them back for our listening pleasure". Close enough. I'm not a psychotic cosmonaut (well, I'm that too), but a psychonaut.
A psychonaut is someone who explores alternative states of consciousness and his own mind. I don't do drugs to reach these states, but for all my life I got into them "on my own", "by myself", starting in childhood and getting more extreme as I got older.
At first these states scared me (a lot) and I didn't know how to handle them; but when I encountered Hardcore as a teen, I found a way to at least gain some control and make sense of my situation with the use of this form of music.
Now, these states, and my own music production, are closely linked; sometimes I hear sounds during these states and generate similar ones when producing; but most of the time, a different thing happens: in these states I have certain sensations, feelings, ideas, and when producing a track, I try to generate sounds that create the very same ideas and feelings. For example, I might have a feeling of enlightenment, or euphoria, or ecstasy, in such a state; I then try to generate a track that has the same feeling of enlightenment or euphoria or ecstasy to me, too. It's more complicated than that in actual cases, but I try to give a rough draft here.
I must say I not only try to reproduce "light" emotions or thoughts; but also sounds that remind me of extreme feelings of anxiety, panic, depression and hopelessness, for example. So when I make a track called "There Is No Future", this not a gimmick, or trying to be dark, but how I felt at that time.
Now, for someone who is not a psychonaut, this might seem bizarre, or ridiculous, or pure nonsense: to get into "alternative states" and reproducing them with sonic means!
But, over the years, by the feedback I got, I formed the opinion it really works; for example one girl described listening to my music as "surfing dimensions and exploring areas of her brain that she didn't know existed".
My music is essentially my sonic psychonaut's diary.
Now, the big question for me has always been: is there a danger to what I do?
Spreading music to thousands of people that might put them into an alternative state of consciousness might not be the best idea in the book; it reminds me a bit of the (stereotypical) hippie plan to put LSD into the water supply of a town to make "everyone high and enlightened" which might have been catastrophic in the real world.
But there is something to say against this: I'm not spreading a substance but music, and music is abstract; there is rationality and intellect involved when processing music, so I assume the "psychedelic" content will just pass over everyone's head if they're not inclined to it anyway. A bit like time-travelling to medieval times and passing blueprints of atomic bombs to the general population; as no one in that time could understand the plans or build something out of them, this "dangerous information" would be no danger at all.
Also, those who flock to Hardcore and Doomcore and Techno, are most likely psychonauts themselves and somewhat used to and professional at "alternative states of consciousness", so a better metaphor would be "spreading LSD at a hippie session", which again is much less dangerous.
And, most of all, in the last years there have been some movies with heavy psychonaut imagery and topics, such as the "Doctor Strange" movie by Marvel, which was literally "consumed" by millions of people, and which apparently has caused not much harm or catastrophy.
But, it's a thought I can't really shake off. So maybe a word of warning is necessary. My music is based on some "extreme psychological states". Handle with care, and on your own responsibility. And for those who do: go on!
A psychonaut is someone who explores alternative states of consciousness and his own mind. I don't do drugs to reach these states, but for all my life I got into them "on my own", "by myself", starting in childhood and getting more extreme as I got older.
At first these states scared me (a lot) and I didn't know how to handle them; but when I encountered Hardcore as a teen, I found a way to at least gain some control and make sense of my situation with the use of this form of music.
Now, these states, and my own music production, are closely linked; sometimes I hear sounds during these states and generate similar ones when producing; but most of the time, a different thing happens: in these states I have certain sensations, feelings, ideas, and when producing a track, I try to generate sounds that create the very same ideas and feelings. For example, I might have a feeling of enlightenment, or euphoria, or ecstasy, in such a state; I then try to generate a track that has the same feeling of enlightenment or euphoria or ecstasy to me, too. It's more complicated than that in actual cases, but I try to give a rough draft here.
I must say I not only try to reproduce "light" emotions or thoughts; but also sounds that remind me of extreme feelings of anxiety, panic, depression and hopelessness, for example. So when I make a track called "There Is No Future", this not a gimmick, or trying to be dark, but how I felt at that time.
Now, for someone who is not a psychonaut, this might seem bizarre, or ridiculous, or pure nonsense: to get into "alternative states" and reproducing them with sonic means!
But, over the years, by the feedback I got, I formed the opinion it really works; for example one girl described listening to my music as "surfing dimensions and exploring areas of her brain that she didn't know existed".
My music is essentially my sonic psychonaut's diary.
Now, the big question for me has always been: is there a danger to what I do?
Spreading music to thousands of people that might put them into an alternative state of consciousness might not be the best idea in the book; it reminds me a bit of the (stereotypical) hippie plan to put LSD into the water supply of a town to make "everyone high and enlightened" which might have been catastrophic in the real world.
But there is something to say against this: I'm not spreading a substance but music, and music is abstract; there is rationality and intellect involved when processing music, so I assume the "psychedelic" content will just pass over everyone's head if they're not inclined to it anyway. A bit like time-travelling to medieval times and passing blueprints of atomic bombs to the general population; as no one in that time could understand the plans or build something out of them, this "dangerous information" would be no danger at all.
Also, those who flock to Hardcore and Doomcore and Techno, are most likely psychonauts themselves and somewhat used to and professional at "alternative states of consciousness", so a better metaphor would be "spreading LSD at a hippie session", which again is much less dangerous.
And, most of all, in the last years there have been some movies with heavy psychonaut imagery and topics, such as the "Doctor Strange" movie by Marvel, which was literally "consumed" by millions of people, and which apparently has caused not much harm or catastrophy.
But, it's a thought I can't really shake off. So maybe a word of warning is necessary. My music is based on some "extreme psychological states". Handle with care, and on your own responsibility. And for those who do: go on!
Music Producer With Social Anxiety
The social anxiety I got since 2005 makes it impossible for me to meet (almost) any person, or to go to parties, or even play at them.
Now, I don't think I'm a "big name" in the Hardcore scene, but let's say my music is now known to "quite some" people.
This was never intended that way, but it ended up being like it is. To get to that point took many years; and it was complicated by the fact I could never meet any person from this field of music in real life, or play at a party. In my first phase of doing music, before I had this problem, the "turning point" in my music activity was exactly when I started to play lots of gigs; this was what spread my music and made it known to others. But this option was no longer possible.
So everything I did and achieve in music in the last years is based solely on the computer and the internet.
Of course, over the years, people wanted to meet me, or to book me for a gig, or invite me to their party. I literally had to reject 100s of booking offers, including some very big and well known parties.
At first I was not very open about my problems; I was just saying I had no time or other things to do; never "big lies", but extended white lies that ended up becoming handy. Then I had the idea to just say I had "health problems", which is the truth; just that it's not physical, but "mental health" problems. But eventually I realized I should be honest, and told people about the actual problem.
In the end I think it alienated me a lot from the German and especially the Hamburg scene, as I assumed people would start to think I'm too arrogant or snobby to come to their party or meet them; but I guess I just have to live with that.
So, yeah, that's the way it ran, and I can't change the past; I sometimes wonder how my "music trajectory" had ended if I had been able to play all these gigs and get my music out in "the real world" and not just the internet; but it might not have been purely positive; when I still played gigs during the early years of my music, I eventually got influenced and somewhat dragged down by the party and social situation; example: I noticed no one was dancing when playing Acidcore, so I played less Acidcore - when I should have just done what I felt was right and stick to my sound. But that's easy to say on the outside, if you are in a social circle, it's quite hard not to be influenced, at least in some way.
So maybe this situation and problem was bad and negative for me, but it could also have been actually positive, or something inbetween, a grey area or a "blue and orange" area.
But, after all, it's safe to say that it led to some music and (extensive) musical output that I would not and could not have done if the situation had been different.
Now, I don't think I'm a "big name" in the Hardcore scene, but let's say my music is now known to "quite some" people.
This was never intended that way, but it ended up being like it is. To get to that point took many years; and it was complicated by the fact I could never meet any person from this field of music in real life, or play at a party. In my first phase of doing music, before I had this problem, the "turning point" in my music activity was exactly when I started to play lots of gigs; this was what spread my music and made it known to others. But this option was no longer possible.
So everything I did and achieve in music in the last years is based solely on the computer and the internet.
Of course, over the years, people wanted to meet me, or to book me for a gig, or invite me to their party. I literally had to reject 100s of booking offers, including some very big and well known parties.
At first I was not very open about my problems; I was just saying I had no time or other things to do; never "big lies", but extended white lies that ended up becoming handy. Then I had the idea to just say I had "health problems", which is the truth; just that it's not physical, but "mental health" problems. But eventually I realized I should be honest, and told people about the actual problem.
In the end I think it alienated me a lot from the German and especially the Hamburg scene, as I assumed people would start to think I'm too arrogant or snobby to come to their party or meet them; but I guess I just have to live with that.
So, yeah, that's the way it ran, and I can't change the past; I sometimes wonder how my "music trajectory" had ended if I had been able to play all these gigs and get my music out in "the real world" and not just the internet; but it might not have been purely positive; when I still played gigs during the early years of my music, I eventually got influenced and somewhat dragged down by the party and social situation; example: I noticed no one was dancing when playing Acidcore, so I played less Acidcore - when I should have just done what I felt was right and stick to my sound. But that's easy to say on the outside, if you are in a social circle, it's quite hard not to be influenced, at least in some way.
So maybe this situation and problem was bad and negative for me, but it could also have been actually positive, or something inbetween, a grey area or a "blue and orange" area.
But, after all, it's safe to say that it led to some music and (extensive) musical output that I would not and could not have done if the situation had been different.
Hardcore And Me
At an early age in my childhood, I became aware of death. There was nothing to my knowledge which happened that triggered this realization. It just suddenly occured to me that people die at the end of their lives, and I will die, too, sometime in the future. This thought shocked me so much that I had to vomit. All my family was needed to calm me down that night. I had a troublesome time from then on, because that fear of death did not leave my mind. It was hard for me to cope with it, but eventually I could handle it better - in some way.
Then when I got older and got to another school, I started to get bullied, and my bullies had knives and other weapons, and they threatened to kill me, and I assumed they were psycho enough to actually kill me (and I still think they could have killed me). This was a big problem for me. Because now death was no longer an abstract thought for me, something that happened far, far away in the future, but something that could really, actually, tangibly happen to me, every day I went to school and met my bullies. And this scared me a lot. To the point that everything went out of control for me and my life became quite the mess. And there was really no solution visibly to me, no way to solve this big problem for me.
Until I encountered Hardcore. The nihilism of Hardcore swept over me and became a part of me. That nihilism showed me that nothing matters in life and everything is pointless and without meaning. "It doesn't matter if I'm dead next week" (which, to me, also signified: "Noone cares if I'm dead next week") was my credo as a teenager, and I lived by it. I was no longer afraid of death, and this enabled me to get control over my life again and put structure and order to it, and solve this mess at least in some way. Hardcore really saved me.
Nowadays I of course try to be more life-affirmative and positive in life and not dwell too much in the darkness of the past, and the bullies are of course long gone. Also, there is of course not only total nihilism in Hardcore, but also positivity, enthusiasm, a force that creates and not only destroys. And I know that things in life must not always be seen as meaningless, but can also be full of meaning and importance and significance.
But I'll always be thankful that Hardcore music helped me in a very problematic phase of my life, and I know that its darkside can really be a strong ally.
Then when I got older and got to another school, I started to get bullied, and my bullies had knives and other weapons, and they threatened to kill me, and I assumed they were psycho enough to actually kill me (and I still think they could have killed me). This was a big problem for me. Because now death was no longer an abstract thought for me, something that happened far, far away in the future, but something that could really, actually, tangibly happen to me, every day I went to school and met my bullies. And this scared me a lot. To the point that everything went out of control for me and my life became quite the mess. And there was really no solution visibly to me, no way to solve this big problem for me.
Until I encountered Hardcore. The nihilism of Hardcore swept over me and became a part of me. That nihilism showed me that nothing matters in life and everything is pointless and without meaning. "It doesn't matter if I'm dead next week" (which, to me, also signified: "Noone cares if I'm dead next week") was my credo as a teenager, and I lived by it. I was no longer afraid of death, and this enabled me to get control over my life again and put structure and order to it, and solve this mess at least in some way. Hardcore really saved me.
Nowadays I of course try to be more life-affirmative and positive in life and not dwell too much in the darkness of the past, and the bullies are of course long gone. Also, there is of course not only total nihilism in Hardcore, but also positivity, enthusiasm, a force that creates and not only destroys. And I know that things in life must not always be seen as meaningless, but can also be full of meaning and importance and significance.
But I'll always be thankful that Hardcore music helped me in a very problematic phase of my life, and I know that its darkside can really be a strong ally.
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