Why I Left Hardcore And Came Back

there was a statement from a movie that rang through my ears. i don't know the exact wording; but it ran around the lines of "we are mercenaries now; and mercenaries demand to be payed". it was in the early 2000s and i looked back on my "music thing". i had spend so much hours, so much energy, and quite a bit of money on the music. i did a lot of sacrifices for it. as a teen i didn't went out but locked myself in on weekends so i could do my music; i did much deeper sacrificies for which most men would call me insane. i had made over 100 tracks in almost seven years; i tried to put all my heart and emotion that i could spare into it. but what did i get for it? it felt like nothing; nothing at all. okay i played at parties on the weekend. had some records out. but what did it mean. nothing. nothing at all. during weekdays, i was just the same loser as before. of course; this was no surprise to me; i didn't expect it otherwise; sending my message out into the world by the occasial live act or record release was what i wanted, not fame or recognition or money or whores. but it didn't click anymore to me. it felt not physical; it was somewhat of an ideal, an ideal thing to do. but there was no gain in my physical life, in my tangible life for it.
i talked about similiar people with similiar acts in the hardcore scene during the time; and they felt similiar; that there was nothing to gain, no utopia to reach with this sound anymore.
so, i did what others did. i dropped it, and desired to put more energy into more tangible things, other music.
i imagined, what could happen now. what suddenly became possible. not having to wait for the occasial hardcore party every 6 months; going to parties, dating girls, enjoying life, getting all the pleasures i restrained myself from the years before.
and it sucked. it sucked so hard. the non-hardcore parties were so intensely boring; it was hellish. dating girls was annoying and disappointing. everything else was shit too. during these years, i wondered how people actually manage to *live* without experimental or hardcore sound, or a similiar artistic or otherwise venture. it seemed like an impossibility to me. everything in this society was so intensely boring.
so, then, it did click to me. no, i do not need to be payed. i am not a mercenary. i do not need tangible results on my music, my records, or liveact. doing it purely for the music is more than enough for me, rewarding enough for me. i had utopia within the reach of my hand all these years and had forgotten it. to just put out the sound, to get some feedback on it, good or bad, is already so rewarding.
i came back, and everything was perfect.