Teenage Isolation

As a teenager, I didn't go out on Weekends, I didn't go to parties, I didn't go to concerts, I didn't meet friends. There was a steady diet of scifi- and horror movies, video games... and above all, Hardcore.

Going to the record store, buying records, listening to them, and, of course producing tracks on my own...

And then the occasional Hardcore party, which, after the mid 90s, only happened only every few months. In between that: nothing. For example, in between the Fuckparde 1998 and the Fuckparde 1999 I didn't go to any party at all.

As I met other people from the Hardcore scene later in my life, I got to know that a lot of them lived similar lives.

It might not have been the most optimal way to lead a life, but it was fruitful, and in my opinion, led to a bunch of interesting tracks.

What is ironic though, is that a lot of people around the world now listen to my Hardcore productions, and I am in contact with a lot of people because of my music  - something that I essentially groomed in isolation.

A kind of paradox but positive outcome. So you never know where the road you begin walking on leads to.

Just Intonation / Microtuning / Xenharmonics in Hardcore Techno tracks and related genres

How many different notes / tones / pitches are there in one octave? C C# D D# E F F# G G# A A# B? 12?

Wrong. There is an infinite amount of different pitches. It was only around the turn of the 20th century that Western scales and tunings were standardized into what is called the "12 Tone Equal Temperament". The one I mentioned at the beginning of the text with C C# D D#... that is used in almost all songs and tracks in Pop, Techno, Electronica and so on.

The equal temperament tuning means that between each half note, there is the same "distance", the same interval... C to C# is the same half tone step as D to D# in equal temperament. Before our "modern times", this was not the case. In traditional tunings, such as meantone tunings, the intervals between half tones varied, and D# was not always the same note as Eb, or F# the same as Gb.

Now let's get back to our current days. While the 12 TET is the standard tuning by now in Western music, there were always people who tried to break out of this rigid system, rebelled against it and tried to explore the "forbidden" tones and tunings inbetween the "normal" scales' notes.

One such attempt is Just Intonation. Traditionally, tunings were based on intervals with whole number frequency ratios... a traditional perfect fifth meant a ratio of 2/3, or a perfect third a ratio of 4/5, and so on. This is lost in the 12 TET tuning. Almost all intervals are detuned in modern music on the radio and elsewhere, with only the octave and unison remeaning "Just", and the perfect fifth, perfect fourth and second remeaining at least somewhat close to a whole number frequency ratio.

Both major and minor thirds, for example, are way off compared to their traditional values.

Just Intonation tries to fix this problem, and uses scales that are closer to whole number ratios regarding intervals.

Another concept is Microtuning. The idea here is to employ steps that are "smaller" than half tone steps, like quarter tones, or even smaller intervals.

Xenharmonic is a term sometimes used for the "alien" feel of music not based on the standardized scales in Western music.

Once I started producing music, I quickly came accross the problems of the equal temperament tuning, and the possibilites in music once you go outside it. I experimented with Microtuning and Just Intonation, and similar or more experimental approaches; writing down which systems and concepts I used would be too much for this text, maybe this is something for the future.

Essentially, 99% of tracks I produced between 1997-2004 were not in the normal Western scales. These were tracks in genres such as Doomcore, Breakcore, Speedcore, Acid, Dark Ambient...

So here is a mix that features some of them, to showcase examples of how non-standard scales and tunings can be used even in Electronic and Hardcore music.

It starts with Broken Industrial Hardecore, moves to Breakcore and Speedcore, to end with Acidcore and Doomcore.

Recently, I moved a bit away of all this, and my music got into a field that I sometimes call "Post Intonation", but that is a wholly different topic altogether.

Tracklisting:

01. A Link To Another Universe

02. Daark

03. Don't Let Our Dreams Die

04. Desire

05. None Of This Is Real

06. Melodic

07. Symphony Of Creative Destruction

08. Angels And Devils

09. I am God

10. Disharmonic

11. Dark Speedcore

12. Fast

13. Urban Uprising

14. Emerald Planet

Being Doomed

I think it's no accident that I arrived at producing Doomcore. Because I AM doomed. With my mental health problems, there is always the chance that at some point I just disappear into a lunatic asylum forever. But even if this doesn't happen, I can hardly live a "normal" life. No future - for me. And this then fuels the doom mood for my music. But don't worry - right now everything is okay. And maybe there is a happy end after all.

My Dream Diary

29.08.2020

I dreamt that, similar to Dante's Divine Comedy, a guide was showing me the various levels of hell and heaven. As I reached the "uppermost heaven" and the area of "god", I was told there was actually another secret level above it, the level that contains "the secret of pure love". As I went there, it was a dome with a butterfly (with red, purple and other colors) at the center of it. As I looked at the butterfly, it began to transform. Then I woke up.

Analogue Equipment, Trackers, Modern DAWs, Hardcore

Did the switch to modern DAWs kill Hardcore? Was the sound better on analogue equipment and old tracker software? A while ago I listened to some Hardcore from the turn of the millenium, I period where I didn't like most releases very much; and I noted that in concept and structure, the tracks were not so much different from 1993 or 1994... but the sounds! The kicks gave me nothing, and the rest of the sounds didn't push me either... I also remembered a VERY veteran producer, who said with old analogue equipment you almost instantly had a good sound, while that's much harder to pull off with a new DAW... obviously there are s lot of producers with modern DAWs whose output I adore... but maybe that's the point, you need to work really hard with these DAWs to get something good out if, while it was much easier on old equipment.

Total Anxiety

I've been suffering from anxiety since my childhood. Now, most people who have anxiety will say the same thing: when they have a panic attack, they feel the fear coming, and they feel it rising, until it becomes unbearable, but then they will also be afraid that the fear keeps on rising and rising until it becomes nearly infinite, and be afraid that they then lose control and lose their mind because of the fear.

I had similar experiences with panic attacks. But when I was a teenager, influenced by my new found nihilism via Hardcore Techno, and my natural curiousity, I had a new idea: what would actually happen *if* my anxiety goes to "infinite"? How would that feel like? How does it feel to lose control and to lose one's mind? What is there to be found - beyond "sanity"? What kind of mental state is it?

Eventually, my curiousity got the better of me. So the next time I had a panic attack, I completely surrendered to my anxiety and let the fear totally sweep over me, and just let it rise and rise. Do you want to know what happened then?

Well - I won't tell you, because if I did, you'd think I'm "batshit insane" (which I am). Let's just say these experiences are the foundation for every track I produced since then.

The Subtle Anti-Sex Sentiment In Hardcore

What I always found interesting is that there is a kind of anti-sex sentiment in Hardcore and Gabber.
It might not be so obvious with the mass amount of "Porno Rap" etc. sampled Hardcore, but it is definitely there.

Take for example the classic Gabber track "Love Really Sucks" by the Stunned Guys with its vocals "Being in love really sucks[...]Babies cost a lot of money, please don't make me fuck you, honey!" - portraying a motion of 'go away with your love, sex, I'm listening to Hardcore, I don't need that crap'. Similarily, a note in the booklet of the first Terrordrome compilation - "He said that he loved me, but after listening to Terrordrome, I told him to get fucked." - again: 'I don't need your love and sex, let me mind my own business".

Apart from these - possibly very subtle - hints, let's face it, a lot people who listen to and produce these sounds "don't get sex very often" - to say the least. Party fueled by the fact that most girls/boys are not very inclined to "date" Psychotic Speedcore Freaks, Bipolar Breakcore Weirdos or Depressed Doomcore Heads. So this anti-sex thing is there. It seems many people in these scenes often are above - "sex".

In my mind, this connects to a line from the very good and surreal movie 'Naked Lunch'. "I'm on 'Bug Powder' - I don't need to come". Bug powder in that movie is a reference to Heroin, and the motion that is transported here is that Heroin is sweeter than sex. As the movie is about a person who did a lot of Heroin, it's likely he speaks from "experience".
Couldn't the line be used and amended for Hardcore?
"We listen to this sound - we have no need for romantic affection."

Psychonaut Music Producer

One of my reviewers wrote that "Low Entropy is likely a psychotic cosmonaut in disguise who records the ominous frequencies of subspace and plays them back for our listening pleasure". Close enough. I'm not a psychotic cosmonaut (well, I'm that too), but a psychonaut.
A psychonaut is someone who explores alternative states of consciousness and his own mind. I don't do drugs to reach these states, but for all my life I got into them "on my own", "by myself", starting in childhood and getting more extreme as I got older.
At first these states scared me (a lot) and I didn't know how to handle them; but when I encountered Hardcore as a teen, I found a way to at least gain some control and make sense of my situation with the use of this form of music.

Now, these states, and my own music production, are closely linked; sometimes I hear sounds during these states and generate similar ones when producing; but most of the time, a different thing happens: in these states I have certain sensations, feelings, ideas, and when producing a track, I try to generate sounds that create the very same ideas and feelings. For example, I might have a feeling of enlightenment, or euphoria, or ecstasy, in such a state; I then try to generate a track that has the same feeling of enlightenment or euphoria or ecstasy to me, too. It's more complicated than that in actual cases, but I try to give a rough draft here.
I must say I not only try to reproduce "light" emotions or thoughts; but also sounds that remind me of extreme feelings of anxiety, panic, depression and hopelessness, for example. So when I make a track called "There Is No Future", this not a gimmick, or trying to be dark, but how I felt at that time.

Now, for someone who is not a psychonaut, this might seem bizarre, or ridiculous, or pure nonsense: to get into "alternative states" and reproducing them with sonic means!
But, over the years, by the feedback I got, I formed the opinion it really works; for example one girl described listening to my music as "surfing dimensions and exploring areas of her brain that she didn't know existed".

My music is essentially my sonic psychonaut's diary.

Now, the big question for me has always been: is there a danger to what I do?
Spreading music to thousands of people that might put them into an alternative state of consciousness might not be the best idea in the book; it reminds me a bit of the (stereotypical) hippie plan to put LSD into the water supply of a town to make "everyone high and enlightened" which might have been catastrophic in the real world.
But there is something to say against this: I'm not spreading a substance but music, and music is abstract; there is rationality and intellect involved when processing music, so I assume the "psychedelic" content will just pass over everyone's head if they're not inclined to it anyway. A bit like time-travelling to medieval times and passing blueprints of atomic bombs to the general population; as no one in that time could understand the plans or build something out of them, this "dangerous information" would be no danger at all.
Also, those who flock to Hardcore and Doomcore and Techno, are most likely psychonauts themselves and somewhat used to and professional at "alternative states of consciousness", so a better metaphor would be "spreading LSD at a hippie session", which again is much less dangerous.
And, most of all, in the last years there have been some movies with heavy psychonaut imagery and topics, such as the "Doctor Strange" movie by Marvel, which was literally "consumed" by millions of people, and which apparently has caused not much harm or catastrophy.

But, it's a thought I can't really shake off. So maybe a word of warning is necessary. My music is based on some "extreme psychological states". Handle with care, and on your own responsibility. And for those who do: go on!

Music Producer With Social Anxiety

The social anxiety I got since 2005 makes it impossible for me to meet (almost) any person, or to go to parties, or even play at them.
Now, I don't think I'm a "big name" in the Hardcore scene, but let's say my music is now known to "quite some" people.
This was never intended that way, but it ended up being like it is. To get to that point took many years; and it was complicated by the fact I could never meet any person from this field of music in real life, or play at a party. In my first phase of doing music, before I had this problem, the "turning point" in my music activity was exactly when I started to play lots of gigs; this was what spread my music and made it known to others. But this option was no longer possible.
So everything I did and achieve in music in the last years is based solely on the computer and the internet.

Of course, over the years, people wanted to meet me, or to book me for a gig, or invite me to their party. I literally had to reject 100s of booking offers, including some very big and well known parties.
At first I was not very open about my problems; I was just saying I had no time or other things to do; never "big lies", but extended white lies that ended up becoming handy. Then I had the idea to just say I had "health problems", which is the truth; just that it's not physical, but "mental health" problems. But eventually I realized I should be honest, and told people about the actual problem.
In the end I think it alienated me a lot from the German and especially the Hamburg scene, as I assumed people would start to think I'm too arrogant or snobby to come to their party or meet them; but I guess I just have to live with that.

So, yeah, that's the way it ran, and I can't change the past; I sometimes wonder how my "music trajectory" had ended if I had been able to play all these gigs and get my music out in "the real world" and not just the internet; but it might not have been purely positive; when I still played gigs during the early years of my music, I eventually got influenced and somewhat dragged down by the party and social situation; example: I noticed no one was dancing when playing Acidcore, so I played less Acidcore - when I should have just done what I felt was right and stick to my sound. But that's easy to say on the outside, if you are in a social circle, it's quite hard not to be influenced, at least in some way.
So maybe this situation and problem was bad and negative for me, but it could also have been actually positive, or something inbetween, a grey area or a "blue and orange" area.

But, after all, it's safe to say that it led to some music and (extensive) musical output that I would not and could not have done if the situation had been different.

Hardcore And Me

At an early age in my childhood, I became aware of death. There was nothing to my knowledge which happened that triggered this realization. It just suddenly occured to me that people die at the end of their lives, and I will die, too, sometime in the future. This thought shocked me so much that I had to vomit. All my family was needed to calm me down that night. I had a troublesome time from then on, because that fear of death did not leave my mind. It was hard for me to cope with it, but eventually I could handle it better - in some way.
Then when I got older and got to another school, I started to get bullied, and my bullies had knives and other weapons, and they threatened to kill me, and I assumed they were psycho enough to actually kill me (and I still think they could have killed me). This was a big problem for me. Because now death was no longer an abstract thought for me, something that happened far, far away in the future, but something that could really, actually, tangibly happen to me, every day I went to school and met my bullies. And this scared me a lot. To the point that everything went out of control for me and my life became quite the mess. And there was really no solution visibly to me, no way to solve this big problem for me.
Until I encountered Hardcore. The nihilism of Hardcore swept over me and became a part of me. That nihilism showed me that nothing matters in life and everything is pointless and without meaning. "It doesn't matter if I'm dead next week" (which, to me, also signified: "Noone cares if I'm dead next week") was my credo as a teenager, and I lived by it. I was no longer afraid of death, and this enabled me to get control over my life again and put structure and order to it, and solve this mess at least in some way. Hardcore really saved me.

Nowadays I of course try to be more life-affirmative and positive in life and not dwell too much in the darkness of the past, and the bullies are of course long gone. Also, there is of course not only total nihilism in Hardcore, but also positivity, enthusiasm, a force that creates and not only destroys. And I know that things in life must not always be seen as meaningless, but can also be full of meaning and importance and significance.
But I'll always be thankful that Hardcore music helped me in a very problematic phase of my life, and I know that its darkside can really be a strong ally.

Why I Did The Tribute Mixes

In 2012, the Experimental Hardcore scene of the 90s and related sounds had long been gone. What I noticed was that this sound literally had become inaccessible for the new generation and everyone else who was not "part of it" back in the days; the records were long out of print and fetched for extremely high sums on places like the Discogs marketplace; so except for a few collectors (and if you did not get hold of the records in the 90s when they were released), it was just not possible to hear the sound of some Fischkopf, Anticore, etc. releases anymore.

This made the sound of this "scene" unobtainable - as if it had disappeared - forever?

So what to do - to bring this sound back?

The first thing I tried to do was to talk a lot about releases and labels and artists on forums, on chats, in order to at least get the "word out" in some way. But of course, the result was that many people just did not care or were annoyed - it all seemed like old folks going on about some "glory days" that they could not connect to.

A guy I knew from "Internet Relay Chat" began uploading selected Experimental Hardcore records to his blog - but this did not work either, and ofter some complaints from labels, artists, and record stores selling them  - those rare ones that were still being sold - he had to take a lot of them down again.

Then I finally had the idea - I could showcase labels and artists from that field of music in a mix!
Therefore, the sounds can be heard again - and those who didn't care would not need to listen to it, and don't be annoyed.
This seemed like a good concept to bring this sound to the new generation, and other people.

So I started with some big artists and labels like Somatic Responses and Fischkopf, and went on from there.
Another issue connected to this was that while sites like Discogs list artists and releases and so on, a lot of the "connections" in between the scene were no longer known or obvious; for example that Phil Klein aka Bass Junkie was connected to the Hardcore scene; or that Breakcore first had its place within the Hardcore scene and was not a scene of its own, and that DJs would play Hardcore, Acidcore, Breakcore and Speedcore in one mix because it was still linked. With the mixes, I could show these connections.

Some people have complained that my mixes are rarely "beatmatched"; but one of the main reasons for that was that I saw myself more as a "radio DJ" who plays tunes (the first mixes I did were actually on a terrestrial radio station back in 2000), not as a DJ at a gig who tries to do a highly technically skilled set. Of course I too wanted to create a pleasurable mix for the listeners; but the most important objective was to get the "sound out"; everything else was secondary.

Now, a few years later, the situation has changed - a lot. There have been plenty of re-releases - both digital and on vinyl - with Hardcore sound from the 90s, for example the Taciturne Archives or The Mover re-releases.
Also, on Youtube there are now a lot of uploads of tracks from "back in the day" that people can listen to.
So the sound is much, much more accessible now then it was those years ago.
That's why I'm trying to focus on more "obscure" sounds and artists in my mixes now, to shine a bit of light on these too.

Mental Health Problems As Alternative States Of Consciousness

There is something that is very obvious, but is rarely being mentioned.
Which is that the symptoms usually associated with "mental illness" mirror the sensations associated with alternative states of consciosuness. And there are some conclusions to draw from that.
Let's take a closer look at this.

Anxiety

Many people suffer from anxiety. The symptoms associated with this are usually an intense feeling of panic, stress, and further feelings such as being afraid to "lose control" or "lose one's mind". Now, therapists usually will say that the latter result from the former; you feel so much fear, and because of that, you think you are gonna lose your mind. This is pretty much - dogma. But is this conclusion so obvious? Could it not rather be that anxious people feel fear AND the feeling of losing one's mind, control etc.? Or maybe even - that the actual main feeling is that strange feeling of the mind, and the fear is actually the result? You feel you lose your mind - of course this feeling makes you panic.
The thing is that all these sensations can also be very typical of experiencing an "alternative of consciousness". The feeling of one's mind changing, of it sort of slipping away and losing control of one or another part of your mind or body, and so on. Also, fear and panic can be typical of an alternative state of consciousness, which in "drug lingo" is then called a "bad trip".
So maybe "anxiety patients" are NOT experiencing mere panic attacks, but experiencing alternative states of consciousness?
John C. Lilly was a neuroscientist who explored alternative states in the 60s and beyond, both in himself - and plenty of others.
He designated the states with numbers such as +24, +12, +6, -24, -12, -6...
The smaller the number, the "higher" the state.
He noted that the higher the state, the more of a loss of "mind", "self", "control" and so on was experienced - which again reminds us of the "mind losing" anxiety experiences.
He used positive and negative numbers to differ between postive and negative experiences (the "bad trips"). +3 was an extremely positive state, +3 an extremely negative one.
What is interesting is that he stated that positive and negative experience are essentially the same: +3 IS -3. They just differ in the way they are experienced and in the way the person reacts.
To simplify things: if someone did not give in, tried to hide from, turned away from a state, it became a negative thing. Lack of "submission" and trust led to -12, -6, -3 etc.
This gives the idea that the "negative" feelings associated with "anxiety" may be caused from people who reach an alternative state (which they falsely call "panic attack"), but try to turn away from it, try to make it go away.
If they just let this "anxiety", or rather, state, happen and let it take itt turn, they could rather enjoy it and maybe learn something from it.

Depression

Depression might be less obviously connected to symptoms of a "state" or "trip" than that flashy, sudden, mind-altering anxiety experience during a "panic attack".
In order to explain this, we need to make a further connection, which many people will disagree with this.
Which is the idea that what is usually called the "religious / mystic experience" is linked to alternative states of consciousness.
Let's face it - when you see a burning bush talking to you, as in one of the stories of the bible, you are clearly "hallucinating".
Through ritual, meditation or other methods mystics reached alternative states of consciousness.

Now let's look at what the mystics wrote down or teached, taken from the feelings / insights experienced during these states.
There is a common theme in religion and mysticism that - "life is suffering", anything in the world is painful and vain, all that exist is a huge nothingness, and so on.
Doesn't that mirror the notions of people who "suffer from depression"?
Could it be that that those that are called "depressed" - rather are experiencing alternative states of consciousness, are in touch with insights associated with alternative states of consciousness?
You might say that "mystics" also have positive things to say while "depression" is purely negative. But that's not the case. Many mystics expressed notions such as that there really is merely "nothingness" and "suffering" in this world. If you looked up the texts of some mystics, you would really find a lot of content that would be considered as being of an "extremely depressed" nature.
But more importantly, remember what John C. Lilly said about +6, -6, etc.
"Depression patients" fight the states and the insights. So it turns sour and negative. If they would let them in an build on them, they indeed could reach those "positive" states too. And the insights labeled as "negative" could be completed with more positive ones.

Psychosis

Psychosis is essentially an "endless bad trip" and I doubt anyone one will deny the similarities of this experience to alternative states of consciousness, so I won't use much words here.

Conclusions

These were three examples. If the idea presented here is true then it would be wrong to assign people with terms such as "suffering from anxiety" or "depression".
What rather is going on is that while many people - even "mystics" - need drugs, meditation, and other methods to attain alternative states of consciousness, some people go into these states regularly "on their own", "by themselves", and this can happen on a train, or at work, or while taking a walk, and is then mislabeled as "anxiety", "depression", and so on.
The problem is then that the treatment is all wrong; because these states are denied and given other terms, and the point of the therapy is usually to get rid of these states. But because these states are not actually "anxiety", "depression" and such, and because these "patients" have a natural inclinination to go into these states, this "therapy" won't help much then.
Regardless of what therapists say, people who got "anxiety" or "depression" usually have it for all of their lives - and what is said above explains why.

Another issue is that handling these states is problematic in itself. Most "mystics" stress you need a guru or a similar person to properly get through these states. During the 60s, when people experimented with these states they usually had a guide who helped them during the experience too (it's interesting that the first "LSD guides" often actually where certified therapists!). Getting into this state on your own can be very frightening, confusing, chaotic. Especially if it happens when you are in public, or attending a meeting at work and so on.
I don't have an easy solution for this problem either; because contemporary society is simply not prepared to deal with alternative states of consciousness, and those that experience them on a regular basis. Maybe the old Sufi statement of having to live "alone in the crowd" is a helpful indicator. And people who deal with this "problem" have to find solutions to it - on their own.

What would be helpful, too, is to remove the "mental health problem" stigma. A person calling people with "anxiety" or "depression" mentally ill is like a cat calling a bird "physically ill" because it is able to fly while the cat has to walk and crawl all of its life. Similary, most people live in "ordinary states of consciousness" and don't understand those who do not, and whose minds "fly off" now and then.

So, there is still a lot of work to be done, and progress to be made. But getting a better understanding of this topic can be a first step.

Advice

Stirnerian advice: If you got a severe problem in your life, and worrying about it makes you feel bad, tense, etc., then stop worrying about it. Because if nothing matters anyway, you can as well face disaster with a smile.

Social Media As A Revolutionary Tool

Why am I on social media? The question rather is: why was I not on social media?
In the past I subscribed to some neo-luddite, primitivist, "anarchist" strains of thinking that criticized technology, media, and especially the internet, but also political movements in general and the anarchist milieu itself.
The thought was something like this: anarchists and leftists write a lot of manifestos, position papers, essays, release them in magazines or, more often, on the net, and they think, "that's it!", that's already the revolution. But it's just a *symbolic* act. It won't change anything. If you really want to change the world, you need to go out into the *real world*, do some tangible action, organize a strike, set up an anarchist cell with other people, and so on. Now, I have nothing against strikes or "direct action". But the truth is that *symbolic action* works; that technology and media can be used for revolutionary aims.
Writing about anarchism on the internet and on social media will change the world. Because it will make people think, become aware of anarchism, reflect on authority and injustice, and so on; and these new thoughts will move their everyday life experience; eventually change their own behavior and attitude and concepts, thus it flows into the real, "tangible" world, and if enough people are part of this change, the world will change with them.
The word, language is more powerful than any "tangible" form of action. If you spread revolutionary words, you spread the revolution.
Thus the internet, social media is a wonderful, wonderful tool for the revolutionary struggle. Spread ideas, text, symbols on the various forms of media - and you will change the world.

In Order To Change The World

As a teen, and later, I ran around in the real world, attending anarchist meetings, visited many squats, met with people in order to win them over politically, tried to form groups and projects, and so on, and what did I - or rather "we" - attain and achieve? Nothing.
Then I realized all you need in order to change the world is a computer and access to the internet.

Embracing Your Own Sickness: Inbetween Anxiety And Ecstasy

As a kid, and later as a teen, I was suffering from severe anxiety and panic attacks.
I also knew about "ritual ecstasy": indigenous people would through methods such as relentless dancing reach an ecstatic high.
Then something eventually dawned on me, and I made the connection.
During my anxiety attacks, I would experience symptoms such as my heartbeat rushing, rising temperature, sweating, and, above all, the feeling I would somehow lose my mind and get detached from reality.
Was that not a state that from the description seemed very close to the experience of ritual ecstasy?
So I decided to no longer fight my anxiety, but let it rise to a maximum level and let it take complete control, of me, let it wash over me.
And, did I experience "ecstasy" this way?
Yes I did. I reached states of complete euphoria, bliss and happiness. Some of my happiest moments in life were during these highjacked "anxiety attacks".
It made me a completely satisfied person.
People I encountered later in life often told me I was "naturally high" or appeared bubbly and optimistic most of the time.
Little did they know that in social situations, or for example when playing at parties, I often experienced anxiety, but that I changed it to an ecstatic state with this method, and that this was the reason I came off as being so "joyous".

In these times, I often got to know people who were suffering from mental problems, including anxiety, too. I always told them the same thing; that they should embrace their "states" instead of fighting them. But they usually reacted very negative, and in fact it often seemed to make them very anrgy.
Now, when looking back, I too must admit that it maybe was not "without danger" to do the thing I did. But it helped me much better than any therapy and - was "the best I could do", given the circumstances.
So, when reflecting on this, I think this different method of facing mental illness, is at least something that is interesting and should be, in one way or the other, further explored.

Life Inside Dreams

When I was 21, I realized that my dreams and my reality do not meet, so I gave up my dreams. 12 years later I realized I had made a mistake; so I gave up my reality to be able to live inside my dreams.