I used to be very afraid of death. When I was a young kid, I suddenly realized that I eventually will die at some point later in my life. This thought scared me so much that I had to vomit. It took me over a year to cope with this thought. Then later, the bullying started and my bullies threatened to kill me. This changed everything. Death and dying were no longer an abstract thing very far away. But something very near and real. I could've really died at my school. And I could not cope with it. The fear grew beyond control and I could not handle it. And I did not know what to do.
Until I encountered Hardcore Techno. The nihilism of Hardcore showed me that everything is meaningless, without purpose and importance - including dying. "It doesn't matter if I'm dead next week" was my credo as a teenager, and I lived by it. And it made me the happiest person in the world. What should you be afraid of anymore, if you are not afraid of death? I could do what I wanted and as I pleased - as I would not have to worry for any consequences of a future. Death became my best friend. And this was the mood, the inspiration for all my early tracks. The soundtrack to a joyful nihilism.
As I got older, I learned to value life a bit more and today I very much like to stay alive, and these death thoughts, to this extreme, remain closed and left behind. But it was something that has shaped me.
My Music: Internet
My music activity is "internet only" for circumstances beyond my control that I've already talked a lot about in the past. But I must say I don't think this limitation is entirely bad. When I started being involved in the music scene I was influenced a lot by Hakim Bey. He was very anti-technology and especially anti-internet, and this influenced my activities. I was involved in the Hamburg Hardcore for the very reason at this point terrestrial radio was already an outdated technology, and that radio was not the internet. Same goes the All-Out Demolition! parties - parties in the real world where real people can meet and are not mediated on a computer network. Or the Auditivsex fanzine; real paper, real listeners, something you can touch and is not just ones and zeros.
In the end in that period I used the internet a lot too, though, but I always tried to focus on the real world, meeting real people, eye to eye, real world locations, etc.
This concept turned around for me in 2014. I suddenly saw the possibilites of the internet and realised it is much better to do something on the internet than in the "real world". Because the internet is abstract, information, aimed at the mind; not something tangible and in the flesh, aimed at the senses and the physical body.
So I realized that computer and internet activity is superior to real world events; and finally saw the possibilites and opportunities in this area.
And I did not regret it since ;)
In the end in that period I used the internet a lot too, though, but I always tried to focus on the real world, meeting real people, eye to eye, real world locations, etc.
This concept turned around for me in 2014. I suddenly saw the possibilites of the internet and realised it is much better to do something on the internet than in the "real world". Because the internet is abstract, information, aimed at the mind; not something tangible and in the flesh, aimed at the senses and the physical body.
So I realized that computer and internet activity is superior to real world events; and finally saw the possibilites and opportunities in this area.
And I did not regret it since ;)
My Music: Satanism
I haven't seriously dabbeld with Satanism for a decade and a half. But I must say, "success" came very easy with it. I went from playing 2 gigs a year to 2 gigs a month. From playing in front of literally 5 people to playing in front of 1000 people. And all that within a matter of months. I've been wondering since then if there is any in his way "successful" artist who isn't involved in Satanism, occultism, Thelema, spirituality etc. in some way.
Love Your Self
There is only one thing you need to do in your life. But you need to do it. If you don't do it, everything you do will lead to failure, even if you seemingly succeed; at a career, for example, or at "family life".
If you do it, you can succeed at everything you want. Being a rockstar? A millionaire? It's easy.
Now you might say it's unfair, that you need to do this thing, out of all million things. How could you know it's this one? How could you find it?
Well, every human is constantly pulled towards it, and it is obvious, right in front of your face, more or less. If man would stop acting and live a passive life, he would quickly be pulled to and achieve this thing.
But the very essence of human life for 99% of people is to fight it. This is their main task in life, what they define as "life"; this fight against it.
So what is this thing? Very easy:
Love your self.
Not in a narcissistic way; although that can't hurt either; but realize that your self is the most beautiful, most special, most powerful, most wonderful thing ever.
That its brilliance and perfection outshines everything that exists; that it is simply the one and only thing worth worshipping, worth loving, worth caring for.
Now that doesn't mean you should think of your self as higher as other people's selves; they are just as beautiful as your self. Everyone has a shining self.
But only you can love your self in your own special way; only you are made to love your self as you do; it's up to other people to love their selves too, it's not your duty.
Actually, there is something to be amended to this; if you love your self, you will be on a way where you can love others and in the end everyone's self too; but first things first; you can only truly love another person if you have learned to love your self. But first things first; we might talk about it later.
Why am I saying you are constantly pulled towards your self? Because every day, week and year is a struggle, where your self gets noisy and demanding for love, and people decide to fight it instead.
For example you have an okay job with free time and easy life. But you have the chance to get a better job with more money and fame and success. Your self *screams*; let me continue the good life, the a bit lazy, but okay life, the humble life. But you force yourself to get more money and fame and go up the career ladder; chasing after illusionary things such as "money" instead of listening to your self.
Or you are on the chubby side. But society pressures you to fit to the beauty standard, so you get on a painful diet and annoying sports and so on, while your self screams, just let me have my sweets and chocolate.
I could give a thousand more example for this. People are constantly denying their self, going against it, hating it; when they could love their selves instead.
And this is the very basic of almost every outward religion or school of philosophy; deny your self to gain the kingdom of Heaven. Fight your self to meet Buddha. No, this is the very wrong way. Embrace your self. Support your self. Accept your self.
Now let's get back to the narcissism a bit. Narcissistic love for your self would be, "oh I'm so intelligent, therefore I'm so great", or "because I'm so beautiful, or so seemingly strong" etc.
This is not true love for your self. Because it it based on conditions. Only when you unconditionally love your self then you really love your self. Regardless of your IQ or your money or your looks. When you realize, from every perspective there is so much wrong with you, or not really a thing without possible criticism about you, and you're not free from imperfection and weakness - from a societal point of view, a rational, a real, or a human point of view; but still you love your self, your weak, humble, small, tiny, crooked, false, but oh-so-beautiful and radiant self. Then you truly have love for your self.
Then you can rise above every limit society imposed on you; any limit the world imposed; and you can reach your goals and dreams and ideals - with ease.
Such is the way. Love your self. Never forget about this.
If you do it, you can succeed at everything you want. Being a rockstar? A millionaire? It's easy.
Now you might say it's unfair, that you need to do this thing, out of all million things. How could you know it's this one? How could you find it?
Well, every human is constantly pulled towards it, and it is obvious, right in front of your face, more or less. If man would stop acting and live a passive life, he would quickly be pulled to and achieve this thing.
But the very essence of human life for 99% of people is to fight it. This is their main task in life, what they define as "life"; this fight against it.
So what is this thing? Very easy:
Love your self.
Not in a narcissistic way; although that can't hurt either; but realize that your self is the most beautiful, most special, most powerful, most wonderful thing ever.
That its brilliance and perfection outshines everything that exists; that it is simply the one and only thing worth worshipping, worth loving, worth caring for.
Now that doesn't mean you should think of your self as higher as other people's selves; they are just as beautiful as your self. Everyone has a shining self.
But only you can love your self in your own special way; only you are made to love your self as you do; it's up to other people to love their selves too, it's not your duty.
Actually, there is something to be amended to this; if you love your self, you will be on a way where you can love others and in the end everyone's self too; but first things first; you can only truly love another person if you have learned to love your self. But first things first; we might talk about it later.
Why am I saying you are constantly pulled towards your self? Because every day, week and year is a struggle, where your self gets noisy and demanding for love, and people decide to fight it instead.
For example you have an okay job with free time and easy life. But you have the chance to get a better job with more money and fame and success. Your self *screams*; let me continue the good life, the a bit lazy, but okay life, the humble life. But you force yourself to get more money and fame and go up the career ladder; chasing after illusionary things such as "money" instead of listening to your self.
Or you are on the chubby side. But society pressures you to fit to the beauty standard, so you get on a painful diet and annoying sports and so on, while your self screams, just let me have my sweets and chocolate.
I could give a thousand more example for this. People are constantly denying their self, going against it, hating it; when they could love their selves instead.
And this is the very basic of almost every outward religion or school of philosophy; deny your self to gain the kingdom of Heaven. Fight your self to meet Buddha. No, this is the very wrong way. Embrace your self. Support your self. Accept your self.
Now let's get back to the narcissism a bit. Narcissistic love for your self would be, "oh I'm so intelligent, therefore I'm so great", or "because I'm so beautiful, or so seemingly strong" etc.
This is not true love for your self. Because it it based on conditions. Only when you unconditionally love your self then you really love your self. Regardless of your IQ or your money or your looks. When you realize, from every perspective there is so much wrong with you, or not really a thing without possible criticism about you, and you're not free from imperfection and weakness - from a societal point of view, a rational, a real, or a human point of view; but still you love your self, your weak, humble, small, tiny, crooked, false, but oh-so-beautiful and radiant self. Then you truly have love for your self.
Then you can rise above every limit society imposed on you; any limit the world imposed; and you can reach your goals and dreams and ideals - with ease.
Such is the way. Love your self. Never forget about this.
Goodbye To Friendship
I already mentioned I'm a Christian Cult and Exorcism survivor. One of the first thing I had to do during this "Exorcism" was to cut off all contact with my friends. Of course the guy from the cult didn't word it this way. I just had to avoid being in contact with people that would send "Satanic" pulses and vibrations to me. It then turned out that basically everyone was a Satanist according to the cult. For example people who listened to Metal or Rock music, or generally music with dark and aggressive overtones, or people who worked in media, or it could be people with dark or "negative" moods, virtually everyone was included in these categories. And in the end they really did say almost every human was associated with "Satan"; because in their cosmology, mankind was created out of the "body of Satan" and yes, even the cult members saw themselves as essentially "children of Satan", with the difference that by the "wisdom" of prophet Jakob Lorber, they were different and could easily be saved and could turn into true children of god and angels. And everyone who followed the cult could easily do the same; but one needed to put blind trust into the cult and the "teachings of Lorber", to the point of being willing to lose one's life for "Christ". So I had to isolate myself from my friends. And this was just one part of the very twisted ideology and content of this bizarre cult and the "exorcism" I went through.
Sonic Messages
How can you spread your ideas? You can write them down and share them. But you could also use symbolism, that's already an abstract way to communicate a concept. Sound without visuals is even more abstract, and it is possible to spread ideas of anarchism, love and resistance, and other ideas, using just sound and music. Of course those who don't believe such very direct content (not something that is 'down to all interpretations') could be spread by sonic means are those who will be the most vulnerable to these 'hidden in plain sight' messages.
Exorcism Survivor
I collected my texts about being a Christian cult and exorcism survivor, as well as being the victim to severe bullying as a kid, and how these experiences tie in to my work as an artist, in an e-book. You can access it here: https://exorcismsurvivor.blogspot.com/
Malfunction
On my album "Malfunction" on Praxis once more.
I already mentioned that I had a severe mental health crisis in 2004, which led me to get in contact with a Christian cult (the Lorberians - based on Jakob Lorber) which led to an "exorcism" which nearly led to my death.
Because of this, I couldn't finalize my second release for Praxis, which was planned on 12" and CD.
Now, people asked me, why wasn't it released *after* these events - and instead 14 years later?
The thing was, there were many issues that led to my crisis. But one thing was that I had promised to deliver the album in 2002; it was 2 years later and it was not finished. I was way behind schedule, so to say. At the same time I was studying for a type of exam that was very important. So I decided to spent some weeks doing only studying half the day and working on music the other half. I stopped meeting with friends, going to parties, doing my radio show etc. I did not stop all free time. I watched TV some time and other things. But it was not much.
These were weeks of intense mental strain; and shortly after I finished the work, the crisis came into full effect.
It seemed to me as if I had blown my mind on working for the album and the exam. And this might be true.
But there was also another issue. As I wrote before, the crisis didn't start that year. I had many troubles before and got into spirituality, conspiracy theories, Christianity, Satanism and related things. When working on that album, I had the concept of writing an esoteric spiritual album. I tried to channel "astral energies", "angel energies" and stuff like that into the tracks. Yeah, I was pretty delusional and fucked up at that point. When I finished I thought to myself that I didn't write any tracks by myself but that an "astral entity" had possessed me during the production sessions. The first album title I had in mind was "Tales From The Astral Plane". How insane!
So this twofold dive into madness was the reason I kept the tracks all to myself all those years. I wondered if I should really release them given the circumstances.
But eventually I got around to thinking the tracks sounded pretty good despite the things that happened. And also a lot of work was done, especially the planning phase, in a saner state of mind.
So this is my story and the story of this release. Hope you can enjoy the music regardless.
I already mentioned that I had a severe mental health crisis in 2004, which led me to get in contact with a Christian cult (the Lorberians - based on Jakob Lorber) which led to an "exorcism" which nearly led to my death.
Because of this, I couldn't finalize my second release for Praxis, which was planned on 12" and CD.
Now, people asked me, why wasn't it released *after* these events - and instead 14 years later?
The thing was, there were many issues that led to my crisis. But one thing was that I had promised to deliver the album in 2002; it was 2 years later and it was not finished. I was way behind schedule, so to say. At the same time I was studying for a type of exam that was very important. So I decided to spent some weeks doing only studying half the day and working on music the other half. I stopped meeting with friends, going to parties, doing my radio show etc. I did not stop all free time. I watched TV some time and other things. But it was not much.
These were weeks of intense mental strain; and shortly after I finished the work, the crisis came into full effect.
It seemed to me as if I had blown my mind on working for the album and the exam. And this might be true.
But there was also another issue. As I wrote before, the crisis didn't start that year. I had many troubles before and got into spirituality, conspiracy theories, Christianity, Satanism and related things. When working on that album, I had the concept of writing an esoteric spiritual album. I tried to channel "astral energies", "angel energies" and stuff like that into the tracks. Yeah, I was pretty delusional and fucked up at that point. When I finished I thought to myself that I didn't write any tracks by myself but that an "astral entity" had possessed me during the production sessions. The first album title I had in mind was "Tales From The Astral Plane". How insane!
So this twofold dive into madness was the reason I kept the tracks all to myself all those years. I wondered if I should really release them given the circumstances.
But eventually I got around to thinking the tracks sounded pretty good despite the things that happened. And also a lot of work was done, especially the planning phase, in a saner state of mind.
So this is my story and the story of this release. Hope you can enjoy the music regardless.
Depths And Heights
I posted about some "dark" parts of my life recently. There were many reasons for it. First, I don't think "mental health" should be a taboo topic, and people should be more open about it (only if they can and want too, of course). But secondly, it's a matter of balance. There is always light and dark, pleasure and pain, success and failure. I went to some deep depths in my life, but I also went to the highest of heights (not talking about drugs). The question is: could I have had the one without the other? Likely not. It's just part of the human experience. My depths forced me to learn and grow, and reach better things. Light led to dark and dark led to light. Both are part of life. And both are part of the work as an artist. For example, I've been told by some people that tracks of me that dealt with dark feelings helped them to cope with, handle similar experiences. Is that then not a positive outcome? (Not to boast about this; just to give an example of how something dark let to something good. A lot of other artists can tell you the same.)
So it's all a matter of balance. Don't shut out one thing and only look at the other.
So it's all a matter of balance. Don't shut out one thing and only look at the other.
Psychonauts
I think most of us are psychonauts on here, i.e. explorers of inner space and altered states. I have gone to altered states "naturally" since my childhood, others use drugs to go there.
I recently read some literature by for example Timothy Leary or John Lilly on these things, and I noticed how "innocently-optimistic" they were in those days on these topics. 'Use LSD or Ketamine? Loose contact to your surroundings and "trip" for hours without being responsive? No danger. Just do it.'
While of course today we know of many "casualties" regarding psychedelic drug use.
So, the question for me is; is there a danger or a negative side to being a psychonaut or going to the altered? For example, I always shied away from those altered states where you lose control of yourself, or your body. On the other hand I had experiences where I completely snapped for a second; losing control, self and consciousness ("Ego-Death") and those were the most rewarding experiences I had in my life. Or on a lesser note, that thing at parties, when the music and strobes gets you "high" and you lose control of your body and it starts to move and dance by itself and you are just "watching by" and are enjoying the show - very pleasurable.
The problem is, if there is a danger to being a psychonaut; the danger would be hard to calculate as this a very complex and chaotic thing, unpredictable. For example a minor altered states can turn into a massive one within a moment; and if there would be a danger in a massive one, it might be better to not go to the altered at all, as these things can happen all the time.
"Organized" religions, from Sufism to Thelema, of course always stressed *there* is always danger, so you have rules to follow when doing these things, or even better, put all your faith in and give up your independence to a guru. But the danger here is of course that the altered is very hostile to rules and likes to bend them or turn them on you, and also your state of mind defines how the altered goes: if you go to the altered with the belief that you depend on rules, very likely something bad will happen when you come to a situation where these rules don't work anymore (and this is very likely because of the unpredictable nature of the altered). And blind faith in a guru has its downsides too.
The problem is also that, as we say in Germany, the genie can't get in the bottle anymore once it's out, so you can't really stop being a psychonaut, so it might be better to hope it's good and without danger as you can't really avoid it, at least if you have a natural inclination to be this way. All my attempts to not naturally go into altered states anymore were huge failures and put me in a lot of danger, and this is even an understatement.
So, it might be better to stay with the "innocent-optimistic" approach and enjoy the "trip" while it lasts. And it is a trip!
I recently read some literature by for example Timothy Leary or John Lilly on these things, and I noticed how "innocently-optimistic" they were in those days on these topics. 'Use LSD or Ketamine? Loose contact to your surroundings and "trip" for hours without being responsive? No danger. Just do it.'
While of course today we know of many "casualties" regarding psychedelic drug use.
So, the question for me is; is there a danger or a negative side to being a psychonaut or going to the altered? For example, I always shied away from those altered states where you lose control of yourself, or your body. On the other hand I had experiences where I completely snapped for a second; losing control, self and consciousness ("Ego-Death") and those were the most rewarding experiences I had in my life. Or on a lesser note, that thing at parties, when the music and strobes gets you "high" and you lose control of your body and it starts to move and dance by itself and you are just "watching by" and are enjoying the show - very pleasurable.
The problem is, if there is a danger to being a psychonaut; the danger would be hard to calculate as this a very complex and chaotic thing, unpredictable. For example a minor altered states can turn into a massive one within a moment; and if there would be a danger in a massive one, it might be better to not go to the altered at all, as these things can happen all the time.
"Organized" religions, from Sufism to Thelema, of course always stressed *there* is always danger, so you have rules to follow when doing these things, or even better, put all your faith in and give up your independence to a guru. But the danger here is of course that the altered is very hostile to rules and likes to bend them or turn them on you, and also your state of mind defines how the altered goes: if you go to the altered with the belief that you depend on rules, very likely something bad will happen when you come to a situation where these rules don't work anymore (and this is very likely because of the unpredictable nature of the altered). And blind faith in a guru has its downsides too.
The problem is also that, as we say in Germany, the genie can't get in the bottle anymore once it's out, so you can't really stop being a psychonaut, so it might be better to hope it's good and without danger as you can't really avoid it, at least if you have a natural inclination to be this way. All my attempts to not naturally go into altered states anymore were huge failures and put me in a lot of danger, and this is even an understatement.
So, it might be better to stay with the "innocent-optimistic" approach and enjoy the "trip" while it lasts. And it is a trip!
The End Of Times
I talked a lot about the end of the world and the apocalypse. This is of course meant only symbolically. It's a metaphor for losing all connection to worldly affairs. Many people are tied up in things such as society, work, hunt for money and fame, consumer attitude, family, friends, etc. And you can get nowhere if your mind is stuck too much in these things. This of course doesn't mean you should quit your job and live like a hermit (but feel free to do it if that's what you want). It's about losing attachment to the world on a mental, not on a physical, real level. This complex relationship between attachment, detachment, mind and reality could fill a series of books alone and it's hard to explain. I think something that Max Stirner said describes it the best: there is no "salvation" in worldly matters. Your job might give you money to pay your bills. It might even satisfy you. But it will never lead you to any truly meaningful or profound state of mind. And this goes for all other worldly affairs too. A little bit of fame might feel nice - but it won't give you peace of mind in the end.
If you loosen your attachment to the world bit by bit, eventually you will reach a point where it feels like you lose all of the world. And this is the metaphor I mean when I talk about the end of the world.
To explain this metaphor a bit more. The well known and cult science fiction author William Gibson grew up as an orphan. He once said that when his parents died, he not only felt like he lost his parents, but he felt like he lost the whole world. He was in a completely unprepared, strange, new situation that felt dangerous and incomprehensible. But this was the prerequisite for him to become a great author. He really lost the world - on a symbolical level - but he gained a new life.
Everyone who has accomplished something truly meaningful and profound has experienced this very own "end of the world" at least once in his life. Even most people who attained something out of the ordinary, but something of lesser acclaim (because it's material), such as becoming a billionaire or a rockstar experienced this.
You just have to go through this and you have to face this - unless you want to be stuck in a boring life for all time.
So do not be afraid of the "end times".
If you loosen your attachment to the world bit by bit, eventually you will reach a point where it feels like you lose all of the world. And this is the metaphor I mean when I talk about the end of the world.
To explain this metaphor a bit more. The well known and cult science fiction author William Gibson grew up as an orphan. He once said that when his parents died, he not only felt like he lost his parents, but he felt like he lost the whole world. He was in a completely unprepared, strange, new situation that felt dangerous and incomprehensible. But this was the prerequisite for him to become a great author. He really lost the world - on a symbolical level - but he gained a new life.
Everyone who has accomplished something truly meaningful and profound has experienced this very own "end of the world" at least once in his life. Even most people who attained something out of the ordinary, but something of lesser acclaim (because it's material), such as becoming a billionaire or a rockstar experienced this.
You just have to go through this and you have to face this - unless you want to be stuck in a boring life for all time.
So do not be afraid of the "end times".
Producing Durations
How long does it take me to work on a track?
Well, when doing tracks, there are two phases for me. First, the planning phase. Before working on a track, I make a detailed and often complete blueprint for the track in my head. The general idea and concept of the track, what synths to use, what kind of drums, samples, down to the percussion and the structure and patterns of that track. This often builds on an idea for a track i have suddenly, for example while taking a walk or cooking or watching a movie or anything else. I usually have the "complete" track in my head within seconds. In other cases, I have an idea for a track (usually a more "general" idea) and keep it, and only add more detailed layers to it later.
This then can span a long amount of time, I often add on ideas of tracks I had 1, 2, 5, or 20 years ago. Sometimes I have a track in my head for a decade before putting it down to actual creation. As I got older I got to diving faster into the past, and have made tracks that built on ideas I had in my early childhood for example.
So, there is a lot of work and especially a lot of time involved in creating tracks for me.
I have the track planned in my head. What now? Actually creating it. What happens then is between two extremes. Sometimes I create the track just as it is in my head - even though it of course sounds different when actually doing the melodies and patterns and structures, which sometimes has interesting results. But most often, when producing the track I get new ideas, and change the track then according to them. It's a matter of "going with the flow". I arrived at the point where I don't follow any notion of how the track "has to be" anymore - it can sound any way it can while producing it. Sometimes the end result is the complete opposite of how I intended the track to be (for example planning a Speedcore track and ending up with producing a Slowcore track). This "producing" part is usually very quick and fast and if I have planned the tracks thoroughly in my head already, I for example can produce a lot of tracks in just one weekend or even one night.
That the tracks change while producing doesn't mean I "discard" the ideas and planning then. It's more a marriage of sonic idea and actual production. A dualism that is complex and can be hard to navigate but it's what I focus on by now.
Well, when doing tracks, there are two phases for me. First, the planning phase. Before working on a track, I make a detailed and often complete blueprint for the track in my head. The general idea and concept of the track, what synths to use, what kind of drums, samples, down to the percussion and the structure and patterns of that track. This often builds on an idea for a track i have suddenly, for example while taking a walk or cooking or watching a movie or anything else. I usually have the "complete" track in my head within seconds. In other cases, I have an idea for a track (usually a more "general" idea) and keep it, and only add more detailed layers to it later.
This then can span a long amount of time, I often add on ideas of tracks I had 1, 2, 5, or 20 years ago. Sometimes I have a track in my head for a decade before putting it down to actual creation. As I got older I got to diving faster into the past, and have made tracks that built on ideas I had in my early childhood for example.
So, there is a lot of work and especially a lot of time involved in creating tracks for me.
I have the track planned in my head. What now? Actually creating it. What happens then is between two extremes. Sometimes I create the track just as it is in my head - even though it of course sounds different when actually doing the melodies and patterns and structures, which sometimes has interesting results. But most often, when producing the track I get new ideas, and change the track then according to them. It's a matter of "going with the flow". I arrived at the point where I don't follow any notion of how the track "has to be" anymore - it can sound any way it can while producing it. Sometimes the end result is the complete opposite of how I intended the track to be (for example planning a Speedcore track and ending up with producing a Slowcore track). This "producing" part is usually very quick and fast and if I have planned the tracks thoroughly in my head already, I for example can produce a lot of tracks in just one weekend or even one night.
That the tracks change while producing doesn't mean I "discard" the ideas and planning then. It's more a marriage of sonic idea and actual production. A dualism that is complex and can be hard to navigate but it's what I focus on by now.
Personal Anarchy
Personal issues and politics should maybe not mix. But I must admit I have a very strong personal interest in anarchism - it's not just a "selfless cause", so to say.
What happened?
When my bullies at school threatened to kill me with a knife and the other kids of my class cheered for them and encouraged them, with the addition of similar incidents before and after, I realized the members of the society I live in hated me so much that they were willing to kill me. I assumed that even if I would survive my teenage years, I'd probably be stuck at the lowest ranks of society for the rest of my life, or become homeless, an inmate or a person in a lunatic asylum.
And I did not know what to do about this. This all changed when I encountered anarchism and began to dive into anarchist theory.
There was a thought special (but not limited) to 90s anarchism, the concept that you can play the role of a somewhat adapted-to-society, conforming person and society will not see through this and take no action against you even if you're a rebel or outcast in secret. This gave me hope I could move freely in society.
Another thing was that anarchism inspired me to not silently suffer through all this bullshit but to stick up for myself and fight for my rights.
And, thirdly, the believe in revolution and societal change and a better world with freedom gave me personal strength and courage.
This lead to a lot of positive changes in my life, like helping me to handle my anxiety problems or to get a school degree finally, after I had dropped out of school due to the bullying, or to get along better on a social level with other people.
Years later, after many, many disappointments with the organized "anarchist" movements and personal setbacks, I thought anarchy and revolution were no longer possible - partly due to human nature, partly to the hopeless behavior of many people who call themselves "anarchist".
The result of this disillusion that my life came to a grinding halt and a cascade of events were set in motion that nearly led to my death in 2004.
I struggled for years until my heart found anarchy again - and then my personal life improved step by step too. Things were steadily getting better again.
So I know the clichéd statement "anarchy is nice in theory but doesn't work in reality" is not true. Anarchy worked in reality for me on a personal level. It's not just a "nice idea". It is something very deep and profound.
And it could work for everyone else too. For the whole of society.
What happened?
When my bullies at school threatened to kill me with a knife and the other kids of my class cheered for them and encouraged them, with the addition of similar incidents before and after, I realized the members of the society I live in hated me so much that they were willing to kill me. I assumed that even if I would survive my teenage years, I'd probably be stuck at the lowest ranks of society for the rest of my life, or become homeless, an inmate or a person in a lunatic asylum.
And I did not know what to do about this. This all changed when I encountered anarchism and began to dive into anarchist theory.
There was a thought special (but not limited) to 90s anarchism, the concept that you can play the role of a somewhat adapted-to-society, conforming person and society will not see through this and take no action against you even if you're a rebel or outcast in secret. This gave me hope I could move freely in society.
Another thing was that anarchism inspired me to not silently suffer through all this bullshit but to stick up for myself and fight for my rights.
And, thirdly, the believe in revolution and societal change and a better world with freedom gave me personal strength and courage.
This lead to a lot of positive changes in my life, like helping me to handle my anxiety problems or to get a school degree finally, after I had dropped out of school due to the bullying, or to get along better on a social level with other people.
Years later, after many, many disappointments with the organized "anarchist" movements and personal setbacks, I thought anarchy and revolution were no longer possible - partly due to human nature, partly to the hopeless behavior of many people who call themselves "anarchist".
The result of this disillusion that my life came to a grinding halt and a cascade of events were set in motion that nearly led to my death in 2004.
I struggled for years until my heart found anarchy again - and then my personal life improved step by step too. Things were steadily getting better again.
So I know the clichéd statement "anarchy is nice in theory but doesn't work in reality" is not true. Anarchy worked in reality for me on a personal level. It's not just a "nice idea". It is something very deep and profound.
And it could work for everyone else too. For the whole of society.
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